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Hana shook her head, forcing her tears back- feeling her cheeks heat up at the thought of crying in front of him again.
She wasn't weak, is what she wanted people to think. Mark watched as the girl's phone began to ring- her leaning forward and with shallow shaky breaths, answering it.
"Oh hey Chansung."
Chansung? Mark hadn't ever heard anyone called that- not anyone he knew of.
He felt awkward listening to her conversation so he stood up, walking over to the counter to order.
"Tomorrow? Yeah I should be free, are you asking me on a...oh-" she squeaked out at the end, Mark picking up bits of her conversation without meaning to.
"Y-yeah see you tomorrow, bye." She breathed out, flushed cheeks and her eyes drew up to Mark; tapping his fingers rhythmically on the counter.
She hoped, something in her hoped he was a tiny bit jealous, maybe curious- but he wasn't.
Hana's shoulders sagged and she looked down at her lap, biting her lip as the clocks hit quarter to 12.
Midnight. It would be one year since her life changed so brutally.
"Who was that?" He asked casually, setting down a drink in front of her and her heart warmed. "Thank you, I'll pay-" "No uh it's okay."
Hana sighed and leant back on her seat as he took one in front of her, stirring his drink and she took the time to analyse him.
His hair fell over his forehead and he was actually wearing his glasses today, simple joggers and hoodie- beanie on his head.
He was so God damn perfect it almost hurt. Mark's eyes flickered up too quickly that her heart lurched and she immediately looked down at her drink.
His stare lingered on the girl for a second, gauging out her reaction but deciding to drop it.
"...so," he began awkwardly, clearing his throat and glancing at the time. "It's getting late, do you want me to call your brothe-"
"I've tried," she began. "He's probably busy with work-" "No, I mean..." She gulped down the roughness in her throat.
"I've tried to be...happy." Hana kept her stare down at the table, heart pounding in her chest and it became too much on her.
"But I don't know what wrong with me." She admitted, leaning her elbow on the table and running a hand through her hair stressed.
"There's uh nothing wrong with you." Mark was slightly taken aback by her sudden burst of confession but a part of him was glad- happy she decided to open up.
The clock struck 12, the bell ringing making the girl bite her lip, heart squeezing painfully.
"February 19th..." She chuckled bitterly, shaking her head at the date. "It's actually...uh my Mum passed away a year ago today." She whispered the last bit, saying it out loud felt weird.
Mark's head snapped up towards the girl, eyes widened slightly and his heart tugged in sadness. Her eyes swimming in pools of the broken girl she had become.
"Han...I'm so sorry," he began in shock, sitting up straighter and the girl shook her head. "It's okay, it's just...weird- you know? I don't think I've actually been as upset as I should have been over it.
She was my Mother, I should be upset over it- crying...I haven't cried over it in over 10 months- I feel like a bad daughter."
Mark's eyes softened and he watched as she slowly came undone with the pent up emotion. "You're not a bad daughter, you're not a bad person for feeling that way." He spoke softly, his mind torn in two when he had the sudden urge to grab her hand from across the table in comfort.
"But it's bad, I don't feel anything- I feel numb but at the same time I feel everything and it's always there- but I don't know. I feel guilty-"
"Listen Han, you're not a bad person okay? You just haven't allowed yourself to come to terms with it and that's okay. You haven't allowed yourself to grieve and everyone grieves differently."
Hana nodded at his words, eyes tearing up and she groaned, rubbing them. "I'm sorry, ugh." His lips pulled down and he could see how much she was beating herself up about it.
Mark discarded his drink from his hand, getting up and sitting himself next to the girl. "Don't apologize, you can cry- I'm not going to judge you, I can cry with you if you want?" He offered, crinkling his nose up and Hana let out a laugh that was interwoven with her small tears that had began to fall.
"I just feel stuck, in time. I feel like I'm stuck in time and everyone around me is happily getting along with their lives but there's just me- waste of space." She remarked bitterly and his eyebrows drew down at the self deprecation.
"Don't say that." He said sternly, not knowing how to express to her that she did have a purpose, she wasn't a waste of space but he couldn't find the right words.
"But it's true, I just- I don't know. I don't know when this all started but I'm sick of it- I'm sick of myself and I hate it, I really hate feeling this way because I know I'm bringing others down.
Everyone has their own lives to live and I'm so selfish to keep surrounding myself with people, hoping someone would solve all my problems- but they can't.
It's my problems, I made them and now they've turned into my worst enemy. I can't even look at myself in the fucking mirror without seeing what I hate, I hate me and I don't know what to do, all I see is ugly, fat worthless child that no one cares about."
Mark was stunned, shocked and he felt bewildered by her sudden confession. He was confused, where she had gotten these perceptions of herself.
She was sniffling into her sleeve, the neverending tears flowing down her cheeks and wetting the material of her jeans.
"But...you're none of those. I don't know why you think that you are Hana, I don't see it. Nothing about you is worthless, ugly or fat and I really hope you can see that." His brows were still drawn down, confused and conflicted.
"I just can't do it anymore Mark, I honestly can't," her voice breathless through the pure raw emotion and exhaustion of baring her heart out. "Can't what Han?"
