Concupiscence ✔️

my haven

        The following morning reassured her that it was not a dream. Taehyung had come back home and held her. She cried on multiple occasions; she knew that much. Once again, she awoke, tired and scared. She was reminded how Taehyung remained beside her, an arm around her waist as he peacefully slept. When had he fallen asleep? The third time she awoke with a whimper and whisper of his name, he shushed her, holding her, and lulling her back to sleep. Why had she become such a burden? 

Sooyoung turned to face him. His eyebrows were furrowed, slightly. Slowly, she moved her index finger to smooth out the crease as he moaned and smacked his lips, turning a little in his sleep. In the process, he pulled her closer. If she recalled correctly, Taehyung had said before that he usually slept needing to cuddle something.

A sigh left her lips. Taehyung was being too kind to her when all she had done was leave him for worse. She took advantage of his willingness to help her. She was an abuser. Knowing about his feelings for her and using them to her advantage. She was a horrible person. All the negative thoughts hurt her. It hurt her brain and heart. She pushed the thoughts down, pushing them deep down into a box. If she could stop them, that was all she wanted. To be numb, was better than to feel anything at all.

She watched his chest rise and fall for a few seconds before she moved her eyes to look at his facial features. He must be stressed from everything, and she was an added stressor. She could make out the start of stubble on his jaw from the lack of shaving. She moved her fingertip over it, over his lips, outlining his nose, to outlining the shape of his eyebrows. Handsome Taehyung. He remained handsome and he would always remain handsome. It was inbred in him. It was part of who he was. The main reason she had been so attracted to him at first, real, glance.

Why had she had that panic attack?

"I keep using you." She whispered out into the silent night. "I keep abusing of your feelings. I was afraid you finally grew tired and had left like everyone else. I'm so selfish. I don't understand how you could possibly care for me. Everything that has happened, it makes sense. I deserve it. I've always deserved loneliness. And yet, here I am abusing of the one person who seems to care for my well-being. I'm sorry I'm a burden and just using you. I'll heal and if I don't, I'll prefect the act of being healed. Once I'm there, I'll leave. I'll let you live in peace because all I can ever bring you is pain. I never trusted you. This is my repercussion for having judged you and thought the worst of you. You can do so much better than to like someone like me. I'm so sorry, Taehyung."

She stopped talking, letting out her thoughts. She hadn't noticed how monotone she was. Although, she meant her words, she didn't feel them. No tear escaped. After weeks of trying, she finally succeeded in shutting down. The pain was numb. If she could numb the pain, then she could numb her anxiety. The sooner the better. The sooner she would stop being a burden and the sooner that Taehyung could be free from her toxic and manipulative self.

⇜∙♧∙⇝

        The sun was bright. The last glimpse of summer had yet to leave. Like a lover saying goodbye, it was lingering on, knowing the departure was soon. He sat on the couch, looking at his phone in front of him on the coffee table. His hands itching to call while his mind debated whether it was the right thing to do. It was almost noon. He woke up, having heard everything Sooyoung had mumbled about her being a burden and using him. Hadn't they had that talk? He told her to use him. He was fine being used. Her words only dug a hole at his heart. He was not what she needed. His love could not bring her back and make her not feel like a burden.

With one final sigh, he picked up his phone and dialed the number he got from Yerim the moment Sooyoung was released from the hospital. He should have called earlier but he didn't know what to say. How was he to say that he was in love with Sooyoung and had been from the moment they officially met? The phone rang three more times. He looked to Sooyoung's door. After he left, she had another panic attack at seeing him gone. He decided that it was best he had her take her prescriptions. One was for the anxiety, the other for the pain, both together put her to sleep.