falling [asanoya/ennotana] 🌦

the first Talk

.nishinoya.

"hey," i said when i was near enough, stopping at a very platonic distance.

"hey," he said.

he looked like he wanted to speak but didn't know quite what to say, and i knew he would be uncomfortable saying anything first, so i decided, 'fuck it,' and talked first.

"okay, listen. i think this is a talk for complete honesty, so i need to say... actually, we should probably sit down, i don't know how long this is gonna take."

"alright," he agreed, and we went to a bench and sat down.

i looked at him, but he seemed kind of shifty, and avoided too much eye contact.

"alright, like i said, complete honesty," i started again. "i kissed tanaka."

that got a reaction out of him.

"what?! when did this happen?! i thought he was straight?!"

"uhh, yeah, about that. so this happened two days ago, and i don't wanna share all of his personal info, but he's been a bit confused recently. no need to worry though, it was totally platonic, just helping a bro out. besides..." i looked down at my hands in my lap. "i'm still totally, completely, undeniably in love with you."

my voice trailed off at the end, but i knew he heard what i said from the way he tensed up slightly.

"and i- i guess you don't love me anymore, but i thought i'd just let you know."

i sneaked a glance over at him to see his face scrunching up with indecision for a moment before he said, "i'm still in love with you too."

that startled me. so much that i couldn't even think of what to say at first.

"then why? why would you break up with me, and with no explanation? do you know how much you hurt me?"

he flinched slightly and sighed, hunching over.

"i'm sorry, i know i hurt you, and it hurt me to see you so sad, but i had to."

"but why did you have to?" i urged.

i wasn't even expecting us to get back together or anything, i just wanted to know why he did what he did. what was going through that head of his?

he shook his head.

"i... i had to. i can't explain."

"at least try to explain! you have to understand, the fact that you're not clarifying anything makes this so much worse for me, especially after saying you still love me! what am i supposed to think now, huh? you still love me, but you broke up with me for some mysterious reason, and now you refuse to tell me what it is? this is torture. you're unbelievably cruel, asahi, and i never imagined you to be that way."

he made a noise like the air had gotten knocked out of him, the cold weather causing his breath to fog up. it almost sounded as if he had gotten punched. i ignored that and waited to see if he would explain anything.

when enough time passed as though it seemed he wouldn't say anything, i got up, and moved to walk away, but he stood as well, and grabbed my arm.

if he was using his full strength, he could've held me back from leaving, but i didn't think he was, so i could leave if i wanted to. he was giving me that option, and i considered it.

but i stayed. despite the cold, i didn't walk away because i wanted to hear what he would say.

he dropped my arm and looked me in the eyes with complete confidence, and an unwavering stare that was so rare off the court. it was one of my favorite expressions of his, especially now, with his face half in shadows, and half lit by the warmth of the street lamp.