falling [asanoya/ennotana] 🌦

the first Talk (but it's asahi's pov)

a/n: hey, lads, it's a double feature since these two chapters are pretty much the same but different pov

.azumane.

i was terrified of this talk. i had been ever since friday, but i had to go through with it.

i knew he would want answers, but i wouldn't be able to explain myself. i didn't even know if i wanted to explain myself. not yet. i wanted to wait until the last possible minute to tell him i had to break up with him since i decided to go to college.

i knew he would be beyond angry and upset with me when he learned why i did what i did, but with the way this talk was going, it seemed like he wouldn't settle for leaving without some type of explanation.

before i had to tell him everything, i wanted to tell him how much i loved him so he would understand why i did what i did.

i didn't want to leave him, but i was terrified that if we tried long-distance, it would go terribly and things would never be the same.

"you still haven't explained," he said stubbornly said, as i had anticipated he would.

i sighed.

"well, like i said, graduation is soon..."

i hesitated, unsure of where i should go with this next.

"...and?" he prompted after a while of silence.

i took a deep breath. i couldn't tell him yet.

"i know that you'll go on to do amazing things, and... i don't want to hold you back."

it wasn't exactly the truth he was looking for, but it wasn't a lie either.

"you never hold me back, only help me get stronger!"

"it's not just that. i still need to figure out how this real world thing works, and-"

"so i'm a burden." he cut me off. "you're going to the real world and don't wanna be held back by your immature boyfriend who's still in high school, is that right?"

my eyes widened. where did that come from?

"no! nothing like that! i... just need to know that i'll be able to figure this out on my own. that way i don't become dependent on you, just in case..."

"in case what?"

i remained quiet and shifted uncomfortably. this conversation was going in a different uncomfortable direction than i was thinking it would, and suddenly i was being forced to talk about feelings and doubts that i didn't even want to acknowledge.

"tell me," he demanded. "in case what?"

i clenched my fists.

"in case i end up as a failure, and you decide you don't want me anymore."

his expression held nothing but shock and disbelief.

"are you crazy?! i'd never want to leave you! what propaganda is this and who has been feeding you these lies?!"

i decided to ignore the last half of his questions about propaganda, and focused on the first half instead.

"you don't know that, it's impossible to know exactly how you'll feel in a year, or even a week from now. there are no guarantees in life, especially with feelings. i don't even know how you fell for me in the first place, and with that already unsteady base, it adds an extra layer of uncertainty and i don't know if our relationship would survive that."

i tried telling myself to stop speaking, but the words kept coming anyway. but i suppose this was a time for honesty, so i might as well address these concerns that had been bothering me subconsciously for a long time.