Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use
Damien's P.O.V.
-Tuesday, October 12th-
Josiah's friend took his home today.
Friend. Right.
The one who took him out behind the school...
The one he won't let me meet.
That friend.
Right.
It's all I think about as I do training today, and it's all I think about after.
I should text him and make sure he's okay...
Or I could have something to drink...
I sneak down to the liquor cabinet. Pierre has been getting on me about drinking lately, and it makes me mad, so I guess I'll have to be more sneaky about it.
I grab a few bottles and I rush upstairs, before he can see me.
I lock my door behind me, and start drinking until my feelings go away.
Until I quit worrying... About Ethan and Hunter, and fucking Logan Haas, and my dad, and the company, about my mom finding out about me, and Josiah, about someone else telling her about me and Josiah, about burning in hell for all eternity...
Just to name a few...
I drink until the bottle is empty, and I remember kissing Josiah the other day.
How he freaks out when I hardly touch him...
How the fuck is this going to work?
He says he wants to get fucking MARRIED and he can hadly stand to even get a hug.
There's not a chance in hell we're going to end well...
But, oh my God, while it lasted, it was the best kiss I've ever had.
And I can't quit dreaming about him.
Literally and figuratively.
It's like all I can think about anymore is how he's doing. Is he safe? Is he okay? Will we be okay?
It's not just me I have to worry about anymore, and having someone else depend on me is horrifying.
I start in on my second bottle.
I want to see him.
No.
I have to see him.
I stand up and stumble a bit, putting my coat and shoes on.
I'm going to go see him, if it kills me.
I need to see him. He's the only thing that can get my mind out of this rut...
I just want my brain to shut the fuck up for three seconds.
I grab my phone and go outside, starting toward his house.
I get mixed up a few times, but I end up getting there after a while, and at that point, my bottle is almost empty.
I sit down on the concrete steps in front of his door and I shoot him a text.
The phone blurs in my hands and it takes me a few tries to get the right keys.
Damien: Cpome see mw righht now.
Josiah: I can't. Is something wrong?
Damien: Ye. im at ur hoise.
Josiah: What?
Josiah: Why?
I lean my head back against the faded white screen door, ignoring his replies, and after a bit, the door tries to open behind me. I don't move.
"Damien? Move. What the hell are you doing here?"
I scoot out of the way and watch two Josiahs come out of the house and stand in front of me.
"What happened? What's wrong with you?"
He's in the light blue sweater today.
"That sweater makes your eyes look really pretty..." I slur.
"What's wrong with y-you? Why are you here? Are you... Are you drunk? You didn't drive here, did you?!" He looks around for my motorcycle.
"I walked. I had to see you," I say quietly, "I...can't quit thinking about what I did the other day, and how you reacted and what we're going to do about Logan and Ethan and Hunter and literally everything else you can worry about, I've been worrying about it, and..."
"Don't worry about it. It's going to be okay."
"For fuck's sake Josiah! It's not going to be okay!" I get up and almost fall back over, but I regain my balance again, "Literally everything is falling apart and I can't stop it! I have no control over anything anymore and all I can do is sit back and watch as my life fucking falls apart!"
"It's okay. I've told you that I'm figuring it out."
"No! You have to tell me what's going on, right now!"
We can't stop anything if he keeps hiding stuff from me.
"If I tell you, it wouldn't work out the same. It's okay this way. Once it's finished, we'll both be okay."
"Stop saying it's going to be okay! Ethan and Hunter are just waiting to attack and... I can't take it. I can't keep doing this. Being alone and pretending things are going to be fine! I...can't."
I sit back down on the step. "Why won't you let me touch you? Like at all?"
All I can think about is how scared he looked.
"We touch. We hold hands, and hug."
"Are you still afraid of me?"
"A little, yeah..."
"Will you ever trust me?"
"Probably not entirely, but..."
I bury my head in my hands.
"Of course you won't. 'Cause I'm just a bully. That's all I'll ever be. I'm just meant to hurt people like you. Why would you ever trust me? What kind of relationship will this be if you don't let me touch you and don't ever trust me? "
"You...don't like how we are now?"
"No, I do, it's just... Will it always be like this? It's okay for now but you started talking about marriage and stuff and that made me think about the future and worry about that too and..."
"We don't have to get married. If you ever want anything more from a relationship, it's your job to leave."
"So you don't think it will ever change?"
"How am I supposed to know? I've been this way as long as I can remember."
Right...
So I just need to know if I can live like this.
Always walking on eggshells.
Always worried I'll hurt him.
But...
For every worry I have, there are like ten things I would miss.
What the fuck am I thinking?
Why the hell would I even consider leaving him?
He makes me so happy...
"I'm so sorry." I say, feeling tears come to my eyes.
"Sorry for what?"
"For being a dick. You deserve so much better than me."
"I don't even deserve you. What are you talking about?"
"I'm a horrible person. "
"Maybe."
"That's why you deserve someone better."
"No, I don't. Even if you were a bad person."
I stand up again, running a hand through my already messy hair. "You'll never believe me, will you?"
I turn and stare at him, locking eyes.
Not that he can see me.
If he could maybe he would see how tired I am already. And it's only been a few days...
I just want to sleep for a long fucking time.
"Probably not."
I sigh, my legs wanting to go out from under me.
"Well. Sorry to bother you. I-I love you so, so much. You're my literal world and...you're all I have... I should go. It's late." I start to stumble toward what I think is home... It's really dark and I'm drunk as fuck.
"Hey. You can't go home like this."
I turn and almost fall over, making me laugh.
It's pretty funny.
"Like what?" I manage, still laughing.
In fact, this is all pretty fucking funny.
Maybe if I spent more time laughing, my problems would all go away...
"You're drunk. Call Pierre or something."
"He's asleep. I'll be fine," I wave him off, "Have a fantastic evening." I say to him, starting to walk away.
To my surprise he runs up and stands in front of me.
I stop and stare down at him.
"Stop it, dumb-ass. What you're doing is stupid as hell."
"Don't call me stupid. It makes me cry." I admit.
It only ever made me cry once...but I'm just too sensitive.
I mean, he's not wrong. I am stupid.
"I said what you're doing is stupid, not that you're stupid. Stupid people can make smart choices, and smart people can make stupid choices. You're just insane and make bad choices."
"Thank you... I think," I laugh again, "Did you know you're cute when you're angry? Your nose scrunches up like a little bunny rabbit or something, and I swear to God, it's the most adorable thing I've ever seen."
"Shut up. It's not cute, because you got drunk and risked coming here. You're just being weird. I'm pissed, Damien."
He's mad at me?
"You have no right to be mad at me! You're the one that keeps hiding shit and trying to act like everything is fine and you won't even let me begin to help! I came to your house because you keep ignoring me every single fucking time I bring it up! And so what if people know about us?! We're dating! I love you! So what?!"
I look down at him, waiting for him to cry or scream or whatever the fuck I just envoked by yelling.
I should know better than to yell at him
I love him so much...
"You're...being mean, Damien. Just stop. I said we would talk about it later."
This is so aggravating.
"I never should have come here. This was stupid. I'm stupid, you're right. I'm going home."
I move to go past him.
"That's not what I said. You can't go anywhere by yourself!"
"Why not? If you're so pissed, then let me leave!"
...I could just leave. He's very small.
"I'm pissed because you're not taking care of yourself or staying safe! The drinking thing needs to stop."
"The drinking thing isn't stopping anytime soon. So you better get fucking used to it. Why would it matter anyway?"
"It's gonna... It's... Damien, you could get hurt, or even die. This isn't okay."
"Good." I say it, and mean it.
"Shut up! Stop it. Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"I keep telling you, a fucking lot. What more do you want from me?! You didn't think I was going to change, did you? I'm mean. And I'm fucking suicidal! What did you expect?!"
To my suprise, tears fill his eyes...
Too far.
I took this too far.
"Y-You can't... Why would you s-say that?" He stares up at me with the saddest eyes.
"You wanted me to be honest with you." I look away. I can't look at him like this.
"That s-shouldn't be you b-being honest... Why are you m-mean to y-yourself? You might h-hurt yourself somehow, and..."
"Josiah," I say softly, looking at him again. He hasn't quit staring up at me, as if he's desperately trying to see me, "I... I don't know why. It's just, I get so caught up in my head and everything I'm worried about sometimes... Sometimes, I really scare myself. But don't worry. I wouldn't ever... I won't leave you until you want me to."
Or until I'm hindering you from living a better life.
"I-I will never want you to leave. I love y-you, and you're the only thing k-keeping me s-safe... So, I need you t-to be safe, too."
"I... Okay. I'll be better. Don't worry about me." I manage a smile. Not that he can see it. "I'm going to go home. You need to get to bed. We have school tomorrow."
"No. Don't go."
I sigh. "I have to. I'll be fine. Go home, Josiah."
"Not after you s-said all of that. Not when y-you're drunk and being w-weird."
I shrug, "What, are we just going to stay out here all night?"
"I...uh... No, but... I c-can't leave you."
I stare down at him expectantly. "Well then, I guess you're coming with me. Go get your school bag."
"...What if we get in trouble?"
"I couldn't give a flying fuck what anyone says right now. But I'm leaving with or without you, so either go get your stuff or don't."
Please come with me....
"Okay, okay... I-I will. Please wait here. Don't leave."
I sit down on the edge of the sidewalk, as if to prove my point. "Go."
He runs off and comes back a minute later, school bag in tow.
I just stare up at him, too tired to move.
"I shouldn't have sat down." I admit.
"Get up."
I groan and get up, tottering a bit as I do so. "I feel sick." I admit.
"That's because you're drunk as hell..."
"Yeah. I suppose I asked for this..." I stare at him, "Can we hold hands? I...I'm sorry."
He holds his hand out to me. "I'm sorry. I don't like fighting."
"Me, neither." I say, starting toward where I'm pretty sure my house is.
"What if we get lost?" I say, wondering if I know exactly where I am.
"I can't help you. I'm blind. Know where you're going."
"I... Okay," I get my phone out and put it on GPS to my house, "There. Now we follow the mean British lady all the way home."
"What?"
"Ya know. The British lady in my phone."
"The...British woman...who is currently...inside of your phone?" He says slowly.
"Yes. I named her Matilda just now. Say hi." I say to him, holding up the GPS on my phone.
"What is it? Who...is she?"
I sigh, getting frustrated.. "M-A-T-I-L-D-A. In my phone. The GPS lady. Keep up."
As if to say hi, my phone says, "Take the next left on Sugar Street."
"Oh. You could have just said you were using a GPS. Why did you name the GPS voice?"
"Because I hate the nasty bitch." I slur.
"Don't say that."
"Sorry." I say, squeezing his hand slightly.
She leads us home and by the time I get there, I feel like I'm going to pass out.
"I'm going to pass out." I tell Josiah as we walk up my driveway.
"No. Come on." He replies instantly.
"I...can't." I say, ready to give up and die right here. I stop.
"Damien! We're here. Let's get you to bed."
"Or. I lay down right here." I suggest, so, so tired.
"I swear, Damien..." He tugs on my hand.
I let him pull me inside, and we go up the stairs slowly.
It's really late... And my parents are already in bed.
Thank God.
He leads me into my room.
"Thank you." I tell him.
"For what? Telling you you're a dumb-ass and having to baby you?"
"No. I don't like that. Coming with me. I don't want to be alone." I admit.
It's easier to...forget around him.
"Then why did you keep trying to leave?"
"We've been over this," I say, flopping onto my couch, "You deserve better than me, but you don't think so, but I think so. We just will argue about it forever."
He sits down beside me. "Right... You realize I would have nothing without you?"
I close my eyes. "Don't leave me."
"I can't. I physically can't go anywhere right now."
"Good. Stay here." I peek over at him, grabbing his hand again.
I shut my eyes. "I...I love you..." I say quietly, "And I'm sorry. For thinking that way sometimes. If I could stop it, I would."
"I understand...just...don't say it anymore. Don't drink. Please."
"...I won't say it anymore." Is all I promise.
He doesn't seem too happy with that answer, but it doesn't matter because very soon after that, I fall asleep with his hand in my own.
End
YOU ARE READING
August 24th- Book One in the May 3rd series
RomanceDamien Cohen is one of the lead bullies in the high school. His parents are major criminals who run illegal trading. He is tall, muscular, and handsome, and all the girls in school want to be with him. Because of his lifestyle, Damien has a hard tim...
