August 24th- Book One in the May 3rd series

Chapter 28- reylo is incest

Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use

Josiah's P.O.V.
-Wednesday, October 13th-

Damien makes everything more complicated.
I don't know what the hell was up with him last night.
Why did he seem so afraid? What is there to be afraid of when you're someone like him?
Then he fell asleep on the couch...after begging me to stay with him...
As if he thinks I could help him with anything scary.
That's why I have to keep trying.
I think, if I hadn't gotten involved with him in the first place, we wouldn't have this problem. But I don't know how I could have pushed him away any more than I did.
I only told him to leave me alone like...a hundred times.
Funny. It's as if he loves me, or something.
...Yeah...
I wonder if he set an alarm for school.
I check my phone.
6:52.
From home, I would be leaving soon. But I don't know what time he needs to get up to drive there. I haven't ever asked, or cared to pay attention to it.
It never mattered because he always took care of it.
Maybe he will wake up naturally...?
Or maybe I should wake him up and ask when we need to leave...?
I prod at his side a few times.
"Damien..."
Nothing.
Is he alive?
I shift a bit, moving closer in an attempt to see him better.
Meh. He's breathing. That's good.
"Hey, Damien," I begin, "Wake up. I have to ask you something."
...What the fuck?
I poke his face.
Interesting.
I could tell he was a deep sleeper, but...wow.
"What the hell, Damien? This is weird as fuck. No kidding." I laugh.
I could say anything...
I grab his face between both hands. "Wake up, dumb-ass."
His eyes open. "Don't call me a dumb-ass." He mutters, half asleep.
"It's what you are." I insist.
I squish his face between my hands when he doesn't immediately respond.
"Right. Whatever." He says sleepily.
"What time do we leave for school?" I don't release him, since he doesn't protest.
"Uh...never. I quit. They don't pay me enough anyway." He yawns.
"I was going to question how you're getting paid at school, but I assume you just harass teachers and other students until they give you money."
I remember in sixth grade. Where the thing bullies did was steal lunch money.
Yeah... I hope they got a good laugh out of the fact that I didn't have any, so they couldn't do anything to me.
"Yep. Gimme all your three dollars Josiah."
"I don't have three dollars. I have one dollar and twenty seven cents."
"Oh," He says, shutting his eyes again, "Well. Do you want me to give you three dollars so I can take it from you?"
"Sounds good. Very exciting. What if I take your money instead though? Wouldn't that be more interesting? After all, what do you need more money for?"
"Sure. Take what you want," He leans a bit and just hands me his wallet, "Now shut the hell up I'm napping."
I put the wallet into my sleeve.
"If you get up, I'll kiss you." I tell him.
"What time is it? I don't even remember half of last night..." He groans.
"That's because you were being a dumb-ass last night. It's 7:00. Last chance to get up for a kiss." I offer, pulling away and standing.
"...But we don't have to get up till like 7:30...." He says, getting up anyway, "Kiss, please."
"We get up now and we have breakfast. Then we can leave when you want to. C'mere." I somehow manage to grab his shirt collar and pull him down enough to peck his lips.
He instantly puts a hand on my waist and I shove it away as soon as he touches me.
You think he would catch on.
He sighs, "Josiah..."
"We're working up. Holding hands, hugging on the couch, and little kisses. It's getting better." I point out.
I don't think it'll ever be how he wants it to be, but...
That's his problem. Not mine.
"Yeah... Okay."
Good. It's too early to be thinking about that bullshit anyways.
"Let's have breakfast and go. Can I borrow one of your shirts?"
"Didn't you pack any more clothes?"
"Yes. Give me one of your shirts, please."
"...Why?" He asks suspiciously.
I drop his wallet onto the couch and start fidgeting with my sleeves.
"So I can... Because...um..." I look down at the floor, "Because your c-clothes smell like y-you..."
"Jesus Christ. Quit being so fucking adorable."
"What?" I question, forcing myself to turn my eyes back to him.
"You're the cutest person I've ever met." He says, holding something out to me.
"What did I do that was cute?" I question.
I need to know for the next time he gets mad. Being cute makes him act really nice.
"I don't know. It just was. Here. A shirt." He says.
I take it from him and look over it. "What's it say?" I ask, unwilling to read it.
"It's a Black Veil Brides shirt."
"Is that one of your edgy bands?" I smile up at him.
"I don't think you would like it. If that's what you mean by edgy."
"Yeah, that's edgy. Like, they wear all black and yell instead of singing."
He laughs. "Sure. They're edgy."
"Cool. Maybe bullies will see and be afraid of me." I say.
"Bullies?! Who's still bullying. you? Give me names."
"Everyone...?" I shrug, "I'm not giving you names. You'll hurt people."
"I guess I have to fight everyone."
"Don't fight anyone. I'm going to go change. You should make breakfast now, or we'll end up being late."
"After last night, I don't think I could eat anything without throwing it back up...but I can make you something. What do you want?"
"Oh. Just make me a Pop-Tart. Go on downstairs. I'll meet you there." I say, grabbing my bag.
"Okay." He says, leaving the room.
...
As soon as I come downstairs, Damien hands me a strawberry Pop-Tart.
After spending my teen years thus far eating so many of these, I have determined that strawberry is the best.
And it's fruit. So if Damien ever decides to argue that it isn't real food, that's my defense.
"Do I look cute?" I ask him.
He thinks for a moment before answering. "The cutest. You look way better in my clothes than I do. That's for sure."
"Nah. I'm sure you'll look cute after you're ready to go, too. It's 7:12." I check my phone.
"Alright. I'll be right back." He runs up the stairs.
He runs up and down those stairs like he doesn't actually believe they're as dangerous as he makes them out to be when we're talking about them.
For some reason, he believes they're significantly more dangerous for me than they are for him.
I don't see why...
I smile to myself and lean against the counter, eating the Pop-Tart.
He comes rushing back down the steps a while later, going just as fast as he went going up them.
"Ready?" I ask softly.
"Yeah. Are you?"
"Yup. I really like the fact that I'm coming back here after. I like this whole staying here all the time thing."
"I do, too. I wish my parents weren't total assholes, or you could stay forever... I mean, stay here a lot...not forever... Uh..."
"Forever works, too. I think I would miss home, though. Wouldn't you...? If you moved out?"
"No."
"You would miss Pierre." I chuckle.
I don't understand how he wouldn't miss all of this. This place is so nice.
"I'll visit Pierre all the time. He's all I would miss, anyway. You're right."
"You don't think you would miss, like...your room? Sleeping in your bed?"
I guess he would have the same things, if he wanted to...but they wouldn't carry the sentimental value I would expect home to have.
"Not really. I can just take some of the stuff with me. And get new stuff. It's not a big deal."
I follow him as he starts heading to the garage.
"I would miss my house. I...actually don't think I could live anywhere else. I've been there my whole life. Moving would be scary." I decide.
Not that I would ever have the means to move out, but...
I think about it sometimes.
"It could be scary. But think about all the fun stuff you can do on your own."
"I can't really...do...anything. But I guess so. I think I could blast music really loud. At least, for a while... Then it would probably be scary, too. Because it would be so loud." I ramble.
"Well. You can eat, for starters."
"I can do that with you. I don't have to move out for that, I just have to ask you." I point out.
I don't even need to ask.
Actually, even when I say no, he gives me stuff anyway.
"Yeah. It's not enough, though. And you can have me over all the time."
"We should move in with each other. I couldn't go anywhere by myself anyways. You have a lot of money; We could do it." I suggest.
"I won't have a lot of money when I leave here. I'll be in college anyway. Where do you want to go to school?"
"Can't you just bring all of your parents' money with you?" I ignore his question.
I don't like thinking of my future...
"That's not how it works, unfortunately. I have some saved back that I can take but I sure as fuck won't be rich. I'm getting the hell away from here."
"So, you can spend their money now, but you won't be able to bring any with you when you move out...?" I question, "How does that work?"
"Because when I move out, I'm never talking to them again. I'll be disowned, I'm sure. And I'll have to hide from them forever." He says nonchalantly.
"It sounds like you're better off not leaving... Same here. Leaving just complicates things."
"I might not have a choice."
Right...
"You always have a choice." I correct.
"No. I don't."
"There's no way you don't."
"You don't get it. I don't expect you to," Is all he says before changing the subject, "We need to head out."
I glare at him.
I don't know how he expects me to just let that go, but whatever...
...
I have never paid less attention during school.
I just spent the whole time being tired, bored, and distracted by everything...
There's so much shit going on right now.
So much that I don't even want to pay attention in classes...
Not that it matters. I do better by repeatedly reading the material anyway.
Teachers lecturing just makes me want to tell them to shut up, or often I have to correct them when they're wrong, which sometimes they like and sometimes they hate... And chalkboards never help at all anyway.
I almost fell asleep twice during math, which is strange.
Could it be...because I stayed up last night, keeping an eye on Damien? And also playing games on my phone?
Perhaps...?
I blame Damien.
"Josiah," Alexa stops me after school, which is never good, "Hey, I need to talk to you."
"I'm about to leave. What do you want?" I ask.
"You're getting into a lot of risky stuff. What the fuck are you doing?"
"With Damien Cohen or with Logan Haas?" I question.
"Both. They're bad luck. Don't surround yourself with such shitty people. They'll hurt you." She tells me.
"Damien won't." I argue.
"I'm just telling you, Josiah. I'm not going to bring Aunt Dahlia into this any more than she already is, but... Just know that she could find out if you keep having them bring you home. Once she stops and thinks about it for a second, she'll realize. I can't protect you." She says.
"If she does anything, I'll just leave."
"And go where? Maybe you don't realize it, but she gives you a lot. No one else will just take care of you, Josiah."
I cross my arms. "You don't know that."
She is silent for a second, before grabbing my wrist when I go to leave.
"Did Damien give you that?" She asks softly.
I look down at the shirt and nod. "Yeah..."
"Be careful around him. I'm serious. And don't hang around Logan anymore. Okay?"
"I'm figuring everything out. Don't worry about me."
She lets go of me. "I just want to make sure you're careful. I would hate to turn on the news and learn they killed you, or something. And...tell me when you're spending the night. No more of that spontaneous shit that happened last night."
Why does any of this matter to her...?
"Okay, I will." I lie.
She's so back and forth. Sometimes she wants me to be safe, but sometimes she says dad should have killed me...
I don't understand her. Or Avery. But at least Avery doesn't usually even try to be nice.
Maybe I'll figure them out someday.
...
"Study time." I say as I sit on the couch.
"Nap time." He retorts.
I lean against him. "Nap time." I say in a hypnotized-type voice.
"Oh my God, for real?"
"You have no idea how tired I am." I nod a bit.
"Did you get much sleep last night?"
"I did not sleep last night. You did, though. A lot." I giggle.
"I was tired!" He protests.
"Me, too." I shrug.
"Then why didn't you sleep?"
"I was watching you to make sure you were okay," I murmur, "And sleeping doesn't always feel entirely safe..."
"Oh. Well you don't have to worry about anything."
"I always worry. I was trained since I was really little that sleeping is very vulnerable." I cuddle up against him.
"Oh. Well you don't have to worry about anything. I'm here." He says softly.
I know...but he sleeps like a brick...
"Right...exactly." I mumble against him.
"I love you, Josiah."
"I love you, too." I just wish I could trust him... I've never felt that comfortable with anyone though. "Can I tell you about something?" I ask.
"Anything."
"A lot of times, when I'm sleeping, I have scary dreams. Does that happen to you?" 
"Sometimes. But not very often... You did that the first time you stayed here."
"Yeah, I know, but..." I curl up a bit, "It happens a lot. And then I start freaking out even though it isn't real and..." I sigh deeply. 
I don't like freaking out in front of him.
"It's not that I'm worried what y-you'll think. I don't know what it is. I-I just...don't wanna f-freak out around you." I try to describe. 
"It doesn't bother me. You don't have to try and hide it or anything. You can't control it."
"Then why does it feel like I need to stop myself, or not even sleep so nothing happens...?" 
"I don't know why it feels that way. But really. You should just try and sleep some. You seem really tired."
"I am v-very...tired. Good things don't happen while s-sleeping, though. Only b-bad things."  Very bad, scary things that are even scarier when I wake up... 
"You have to sleep sometime."
"It's hard to sleep with people around, though."
"I can leave, if it helps."
"No, don't. I just... I don't know. I wanted to warn you for future reasons. And when you want to start sleeping in bed, I just can't do it..."
"It's okay. I don't mind. Really."
"Okay. And you won't get mad when I start waking up with freak outs in the middle of the night?" 
"No. I won't. I fall back to sleep really quickly."
I force a nod. "Alright... I'm going to try to sleep here." I tell him. 
"Okay. I'll stay put, then."
I shut my eyes and try to relax, curled up against him. 
My brain tries to remind me of the hundreds of things he could do when I'm caught off guard...  But why?
I don't think he would do anything. He keeps promising that he won't. 
This happens every time I try to rest here. 
I open my eyes for a second to check on him. 
Why don't I trust him? 
"I love you a lot." I say.
I don't think I know what love is...
"I love you, too. Now go to sleep."
If I can't sleep, at the very least, I should relax... The closer I get to him, the more afraid I am. Because if he does something, it's...someone I love who is hurting me.
It's not like the bullies at school.
It's like my dad.
It's so different... So much worse.
I close my eyes again. I don't need to check on him...I can feel him anyways. 
"Don't do anything to me, please."
I don't know what I would do if he did something...
He won't.
I shouldn't even say it. 
"I would never do anything to hurt you. Promise."
"Thank you..."
...
Next thing I know, I can't breathe or move. I don't even remember what the dream was, I just know that it was horrifying. 
And probably real... Definitely real...
My head hurts like crazy.
"S-Stop...stop..." I manage, barely getting myself to stop screaming. My whole body is shaking. I can't feel my fingers.
Fuck... 
"Wake up! It's just a dream, Josiah..."
I try to pry my eyes open to find the source of the voice, but I can't see anything...even more so than usual. 
"Stop yelling! D-Don't... I'm s-sorry..." I shiver. 
I don't know what I'm talking about...
I don't know what's going on...
"Everything's okay. You're in my room. With me. Everything's fine."
I know that voice...
It's comforting. It's nice.
It's good.
"Damien?" I ask shakily.
"Yeah. It's me. I'm right here beside you. Everything's fine. Whatever it was, it wasn't real."
It was real. 
I gain the ability to move and immediately start pulling my hair. 
"I-I was bad..." I cry, trying to get my dad's voice out of my head to focus on Damien instead, "Help..."
"Don't pull your hair." He says softly.
"You weren't bad. It's okay."
"D-D-Damien... I'm b-bad. I'm in...in trouble." I stammer. 
"No. You're not bad. And you're not in trouble. It was just a bad dream, Josiah."
"The rules." My voice cracks and I drop my head into my hands. 
I keep breaking rules... 
What am I doing?! I need to stop this as soon as possible! 
"The rules don't matter right now. Right now, you're here with me. Just focus on that."
"When dad c-c-comes back, I-I... He'll be s-s mad. Dammit... I f-fucked up." 
He's going to kill me. He should...
Two years. I have two years to correct these behaviors...
"Don't worry about that. By then, you and me will be living in our own place, and you won't have rules."
I shake my head. "N-No... No, I-I'll be his. H-He'll destroy m-me..."
"No. You'll be mine. He won't do anything to you. I won't let it happen. You're safe. With me."
I look up at him.
He's too close...
He's...too far...?
"But I m-miss him..." I mumble.
Same as being away from home... It's so bittersweet.
"You can see him. But you can stay with me." "I'm going t-to b-be...in s-so much trouble." I insist, because I know what's going to happen. 
All of my rules... I've broken nearly every one.
"I-I don't like b-being hit..." I wince. 
"No one's going to hit you."
"But I d-don't know h-how to s-stop being bad." 
"Don't worry about any of this right now. Right now, we need to just relax. Nothing can be changed tonight."
"Mom...used to s-say, it's just how I-I am..." I try to shake it off, but can't, "I want...h-hugs."
"Do you want me to hug you? And you're not bad. They're wrong."
I try to grab him, but he's apparently not as close as I thought. 
"M-Mom said...no p-punishments, because I-I won't change...but I want t-to change. I w-wanna be g-good. Hug...please..." 
I hate thinking of her. The only things I remember from her are the things in pictures, and the things dad reminded me of... And how she made me feel safe...
He pulls me into a hug. "You are good, Josiah."
I curl my fingers into the front of his shirt, trying to keep him from being able to leave. 
"I'm not... I'm bad...and s-scared."
"You're safe." He murmurs  softly.
I'll never be safe.
I snuggle against him. "I'm trapped g-getting hurt over and over again. I c-can't make it s-stop." Neither can he.
"I...I wish I could help."
I feel like I'll always cling to people who hurt me... 
"Just don't hurt m-me." I sigh.
"I won't. I can promise you that."
He always promises that. 
I relax as much as I can, getting my body to stop shaking. 
"...Did you s-sleep? Did I-I wake you up?" I ask weakly. 
"You did. But I don't mind. I like hugs."
"Aunt Dahlia puts m-me in the c-closet when I do this..." I tell him, "Thank you for hugs."
Thank you for not being like any of them...
"She puts you in a...closet? That's fucked up."
"Always. Then I-I can't sleep, and school is h-harder. I don't like it." I clutch onto him tighter. 
"Hey. You shouldn't have to worry about anything. It's just us. You can try to get some sleep and recharge while you're here. I wish that I could keep you here forever."
I want to ask if I can stay tonight, but after what Alexa said... 
"C-Can I stay here again...?" 
Fuck it. I'm in loads of trouble anyways. 
"If...If it's okay with you." I add. 
"Yeah. Of course it is. You can stay tonight. It's already getting late."
"...Can you play the guitar for a bit?" It relaxes me. I can't explain why. 
"Um... Yeah. I guess." He pulls away.
I feel less suffocated, but more panicky. 
"I like m-music," I say, curling my fingers into the shirt I'm wearing, "Not yelling, though. I don't s-see the appeal." I force a chuckle. 
"I wasn't planning on yelling...but I don't know a lot of songs that don't yell..." He admits, sitting back down beside me.
"You know what you should do? Play and sing one of the yelling songs, but fix it." I suggest. 
"I could try... I've never thought of that before. I guess if I slowed the tempo and..." He mutters.
"Good luck." I offer.
"Thanks." He says before he starts slowly strumming the guitar.
I rub my eyes.
My heart is finally starting to calm down. 
I think the music helps more than hugs, because hugs are suffocating. But I'm not going to tell him that, because he would be confused and start asking questions.
I wish I still had music at home.
Why can't this place just be home instead?
I lean against the back of the couch and watch him play. 
Within minutes, I catch myself falling asleep again, feeling just a bit safer this time. 
I wonder if we'll ever get any studying done again. 

End.