A/N: Major warning, suicide in this one lives. Processed with caution.
It had been four months since the initial incident. Your hand and arms did eventually heal but it seemed to be pointless ass once they would heal up you would simply add another set of cuts. The bandages around your arms became a common sight.
Clint had been suspended indefinitely from the Junior Agent program and your peers were given their due punishments. While it was comforting to know that no one would have to go through what you did it didn't get rid of the thoughts that had come to haunt your every waking hour.
You despised yourself and who you had become in these last four months. Your condition had only declined and you had shut everyone out.
The team had tried their best to get through to you, your mother more than any of them. She would try to get you outside more and take you to do things that used to give you joy. All they did know was remind you of the girl you once were and how you would never be her again.
It got to a point where Tony had called in the best psychiatric money could buy. The appointments you had set up proved to be of no help at all. You didn't cave to any of the questions that were asked and instead would simply sit in silence for the entire hour of your appointment. Your eyes would glaze over while you simply stared into the distance. Most of the time you wouldn't be able to even hear your doctor trying to get your attention.
The sorrow you felt was so agonizing and all-consuming that you stopped coming out of your room all together. You would stay inside on your little cloud of darkness and pain. Your world turned grey and nothing seemed to bring you any sort of joy anymore.
Living like this was becoming too hard, too painful to withstand. When this reality set in on you it only made you sink deeper into your self-loathing.
How could you have ever dared to dream of being an Avenger when you're this weak-minded? How dare you believe you would be able to ever live up to being a low-level S.H.I.E.L.D Agent let alone and Avenger?
Hell, how could you have ever dared to dream to one day live up to the family expectations?
The very thought of the gall you once had made you sick to your stomach. To think you would ever be good enough to fight alongside your family when you were this weak made you sick to your stomach. They deserved better.
Your mother deserved better.
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Natasha knocked on your door gently. She didn't expect a reply and merely waited a few moments before entering so you could prepare yourself. In all honesty, she also needed a moment to mentally prepare herself for what you looked like now.
You looked sickly and despite the baggier clothes you had started to wear she knew you had drastically lost weight. Her heart shattered to pieces every time she saw you. She wished nothing more than to be able to take your pain away and make it all better.
She would give her life to do so.
Walking into your room she let out a shaky breath when she looked at your form. You were curled up on your bed with your back to her.
"Uh...we have an emergency mission to go to right now. We should all be back in a few hours so tell F.R.I.D.A.Y if you need us and we'll come right back, alright? Mission be damned." Natasha watched for any indication that you had heard her but when you gave none she sighed a bit.
She walked over and placed a lingering kiss on your cold cheek. "I love you, Y/N. So much." You still gave no response and despite the ache in her heart Natasha made her way back to the door.
