Purposely accidental

Lacey

I had the same dream again. The dream I have had almost every night since Manny's birthday. I dream of the first time Ash and I kissed as kids. Looking back I can identify this singular moment as the beginning of the end for me. I didn't know it then but it was the foundation of the love that would grow between us. Or the one sided love I should say.

I remember my stomach feeling weird, now I know they were butterflies. I felt jittery and wired, now I know it to be excitement from his touch and when his tongue touched mine... Pure electrical current. Things and feelings I was too young to process, but not too young to feel. Even then.

Maybe I should have told him how I felt when we were younger. We spent so much time together, either climbing through one another's windows or coming through the front door. Whenever I had a particularly bad dream I would sneak into his room and he would hold me until I fell asleep. Waking me up early enough to sneak me back home.

All those times, all those quiet moments when I could have opened up but I never did. I was scared of losing the only person who truly understood me. Sometimes we could sit together and finish each other's thoughts or sentences. Ash could always read me well, so I always wondered why he couldn't see what was right in front of him. Why couldn't he see that I loved him?

I separated myself from Ash as much as possible since we slept together, for my benefit. I told him I needed space, so space is what I'm taking. It's time to move forward, to leave the delusion of Ash loving me in the past. Like smoke and dust, just falling away. To allow myself to find someone who loves me for me. To let go of the delusion that best friends could turn into lovers.

I head into work, thankful for the distraction it provides. Sitting down at my desk I work through file after file, processing the accounts and marking which ones require payment immediately. By the time lunch rolled around I was famished but I hadn't thought about Ash once. So I counted that as a victory.

I grabbed my things and walked across the street to the deli to buy my usual chicken and mayonnaise sandwich. I'm feeling a little blah so I grab a coke as well, maybe the sugar will help. I take a seat at a table outside to eat and enjoy the sun. Today is pristine, not a single cloud in the sky, not too hot either and I breathe in the fresh air. Feeling a sense of serenity that I've been sorely lacking lately.

How did my life turn out like this?

I'm pulled from my reverie as a shadow covered my table, looking up at the obstruction I see Kevin blocking the warm sunshine.

"Hey Lacey, mind if I join you?"

"Oh hey Kevin, sure thing."

"Thanks!"

Kevin has been asking me out pretty regularly for the past year, it's never been in an obnoxious way and always very flattering. He has never pushed for more than what we are, which is friendly colleagues. I offer him a smile and he beams one straight back. He has a gorgeous straight toothed smile, almost as if he has had work done. But who am I to judge?

Kevin leans forward and his pale green business shirt tightens over his biceps. Has he always looked this buff? Have I never really noticed because I was one hundred percent focused on Ash? I rake my eyes over his top half. Thick broad shoulders, muscular arms and a chiselled jawline. His brown eyes are a milk chocolate colour and his striking black hair contrasts against an olive complexion.

Wow! Kevin is hot! H, O, double T, hot!

"How have you been? I haven't caught up with you in a bit," Kevin asks me.

"Yeah good, I've been keeping busy. How about you?"

"Same old, same old. You know me, just been catching up with mates."