Purposely accidental

Lacey

I'm fine. Really. I'm fine...

I lay in our bed, chanting my new mantra, over and over again.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
But I'm not fine. Not even close. I thought I was okay. I got out, I survived. I'm a survivor. No one really explains that the trauma doesn't hit you until later.

In the hospital I was so relieved to see Ash, our friends, even my overbearing mother. Now that I'm settled in at home, I'm unsettled. I can't remember the last time I slept properly and not just because of the pregnancy. Whilst heartburn isn't the greatest feeling in the world, I would take that all day, any day over the dreams.

Well, nightmares really. Or flashbacks, really vivid flashbacks. I know I need to talk to someone, it's not healthy trying to cope on my own. I know my mental health is important, especially for the well-being of our son. Ash has been great, but I can see the strain in him now. He doesn't touch me as affectionately as he used to.

It's not his fault. The few times he has tried and I didn't know he was going to touch me, I flinched. You know that moment where you just see movement from the corner of your eye? Yep. He tried to put his hand on my leg and my hands flew up defensively. The heartbreak on his face made me feel even worse. So I've been pulling back into myself as much as I can, so as not to hurt him.

Is it working? I don't think so. Every day I see him grow more weary, more exhausted. It's not just me living a nightmare, but Ash as well. He wakes up every time I do, my thrashing arms connecting with his body as he tries to wake me up. He holds me and whispers in the dark, that every thing is going to be alright.

But I know, that even he has come to realise, that it's not. I'm apathetic mostly. I stopped working, I barely eat and I don't know why Ash is still here. I don't know why he hasn't left me yet. Maybe it's just because of our baby.

Our baby. Now that is the one bright light still connecting me to this place. If not for him, I don't know where I'd be at. Even I can comprehend my head space is shit. I'm traumatised, not stupid. But I thank my lucky stars every day that I have him. He keeps me going.

The kicks, the pushes and the rolling. Now that is a weird feeling. I was watching him move yesterday and my stomach was doing this crazy rolling thing like a water bed. It was totally weird but amazing at the same time. I smile every time it happens.

I'm zoned out on the couch, my hand resting on my stomach when Ash comes through the door.

"Hey sunshine."

"Hey..." I sound flat, even to my own ears.

"Did you have a good day?"

Good day? GOOD DAY!?! Define a good day?

That's what I want to say, but instead I just shrug my shoulders. "Yeah, sure. It was good."

His shoulders slump in defeat. "Well work was busy. I think I'm getting a promotion which will be good for us."

Oh right...because I'm not working. Great.

"Mmhmm."

"Oh and the guys want to come over, they miss you."

"NO."

"But Lace..."

I stand up abruptly. "I said no Ash. Are you deaf as well as blind!?!"

I know I hurt him, his face flashes with pain. "I'm sorry baby, I was just trying to help."

"Well stop. Stop trying to help. Just stop!"

"Lacey!" He cries in shock.

"Urgh! Fuck this! I'm going for a walk."

I storm out of the house, grabbing my phone and keys which I shove in my pockets. I need to get out. Out. Just out. I don't know where I am going, I just need to escape.