Purposely accidental

Lacey

I spend a few days with Ash at his place but I know I have to make my way back to reality. It has been a nice break from everything going on around me. With Ash, everything just seems easier, no walking on egg shells, no restrictions, just space but being held at the same time. Does that make sense? I don't know if it does. But I feel safe when I'm with Ash and if I am going to be honest with myself, finally... I don't think I feel this free with Kevin. Actually I know I don't.

I'm not sure if it's the decade long friendship that helps or whether it's just something about Ash himself but it is something I am sorely lacking with Kevin. Don't get me wrong, Kevin is great. He's handsome, treats me well in bed, he cares about my safety and well-being. But why does his safety feel like a cage? Why am I only realising now how alone I've become. Spending these few days with my best friend has woken me up a little.

Or maybe a lot.

So I have to go back. I have to confront this thing head on. Plus on Friday I'll get the paternity results back which will take one weight off my back. Either way I need to make a decision and I want to make it before I find out really. It doesn't matter who the father is at this point. I will have them a part of our baby's life no matter what. But I have to find out what I need.

I'm always worried about others and I think, now maybe, it's time to pursue what I want. Or WHO I want. But to make an informed decision I need to spend time with Kevin again. To see and make a decision that is beneficial to me and my needs. I need to make sure that I am sure. That decision can only be made by me and to make it I need all the facts, all the variables before finalising my choice.

I hug Ash good bye as I take my few possessions and head back to my place. I take a quick shower and steel myself for tonight. I spent the weekend with Ash and I also took off today as well, needing the time and space to process. But now I am facing reality. I put my hair up in a simple ponytail and head over to see Kevin.

I'm nervous and fidgety as I knock on his door. I could just walk in as I have a key but after being away for a few days and mostly ignoring his messages, it doesn't feel right to do so. Finally I hear movement on the other side as the door is rips open.

"Lacey!" Kevin shouts which startles me.

I smile hesitantly, "Hi."

"Where have you been!?!" He glares and I flinch.

"Uhhh..."

"Because I know you weren't at your fucking place. So where were you Lacey?" Kevin spits out in fury.

Part of me wants to spill the beans immediately but the smaller snuffed out part rises up in rebuttal. "With a friend," I say confidently.

"Which friend Lacey? Because we both damn well know it was Ashton!"

"Do we?" I say stubbornly. "Do we both know that?" I tilt my head and assess his reactions. "How would we both know that Kevin? Have you been following me?"

His eyes flicker with what looks like guilt before he responds. "I went to your place and you weren't there. You were also ignoring my texts. It's not hard to put two and two together."

"Look. I don't want to fight about it. I came back to see you. I wanted to see you... Plus most of my things are here and I need to go back to work."

"I don't want to fight either," he says as he hugs me. "I've missed you Lacey.  My world is darker without you in it. These past few days have been driving me crazy. Not knowing if you were okay."

"I missed you too," I murmur. But did I? Did I really? I don't think I did. It's like I felt compelled to respond that way. Could I really say that I barely thought of him at all? No... I'm not that cruel. I thought I may have missed him but judging by his immediate anger. I don't feel like that at all.