❗YiZhan FF❗
"..I'm not him, Yibo and never will be..I've taken what's not mine and I will forever blame myself.."
"..What once belonged to me, will always and forever be mine, Zhan.."
Feel free to read loves, but no hate, please💓
*PHOTO NOT MINE. C...
These words that I know, have been hurting Zhan for the last 3 months. He has been thinking about it day and night, every day, I'm sure, how? I can tell by the way his eyes shift emotion when he looks at me. After sharing with him how Yuta and I met, he became warier around me. His smiles don't reflect happiness but rather, desperation. His once beaming eyes is, changed. As much as I miss Yuta, I try my best to live and provide affection when I'm with him, but, I know I fail miserably at that. Not that I'm intentionally doing it, but, I'm wondering how I would do it.
It is hard, and it gets harder as days go by. It's tough to breathe when I see him, difficult to bear when I touch him.
But, a fraction of me needs him.
When he moved in with me, I thought that I could forget and forgive but, I was wrong. Nothing is simple and my heart aches whenever I think about it. My mind was debating about it, to be honest, if I was still willing to make him stay with me or stay separated. Sometimes, I just want to be alone, get drunk so that I could fall senseless and not recollect the things troubling me for the past months. I see my first love in all he does and it gets me so confused that sometimes I just wish that he is Yuta rather than Zhan but, it can never be and that harsh reality is a slap in the face every time. Other nights, I pretend that I don't notice him when he peeks into Yuta's room to see what I'm up to. I want to scream at him to leave me but I don't have to because he voluntarily does it. It's like, he knows what I am thinking that he doesn't bother to say anything and just leave.
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No complaints, no questions asked, he just knows. He respects and heeds to my wants so effortlessly that it gets to the point that it becomes infuriating.
Some nights I just want to fuck him till morning, even he starts crying because of the discomfort, he never complains or pleads for me to stop and just let me do what I want with him. He satisfies me, but at the same time, it hurts me to see him in discomfort and even if he doesn't say it, I know that he is marvelling at his situation. Other times, I get out of bed and I go to Yuta's room to spend the night there and Zhan would follow me after. I pretend that I'm asleep at times and he would just sit beside me and stroke my hair while he keeps on apologizing and whispering to me how much he loves me, then, would leave and return to ours, to sleep alone.
When I'm sure that he's already asleep, I peek and come to him. Sometimes, he would fell asleep with his eyes still wet with tears and I know why. Leaving him alone is not fair but, I can't find myself to stay either.
He doesn't lay beside me when I'm in Yuta's room. He doesn't stay long, nor touch anything that once belonged to his best friend. He doesn't clean it unless I tell him to and whenever I speak of Yuta, he listens attentively as if it doesn't bother him. Mornings are not always the same, his smiles are not always the same. It's compelled and his blank gazes are always the main ingredient for an awkward breakfast between us. But, surprisingly enough, he serves me well like a real housewife would, even if sometimes, he is not himself. He always makes sure that everything is prepared before I come down. He often makes what Yuta liked and used to prepare for me and quite honestly, he does it a little bit better than Yuta did.
