He Lives In You (COMP.)

38th Chapter: LETTING GO

Say it, Zhan. Say it, and be quick about it. Then, turn around and leave. Don't make it harder than it already is. It's over between you and Yibo. Now, say it.

Zhan's conscience speaks to him, like an angel whispering in his ear. A part of him says that he needed to withdraw from the hug and go, but his other part yearned to stay. When Haikuan told him that Yibo is sick, he wanted to run out of the house and be with him as fast as he could, however, he knew that it wasn't that easy. He knows it, he feels it, that Yibo still has a place in his heart somewhere. But, seemingly so, his pride and fear are getting in the way of that because, after what he had said to him, he made his point and made Yibo believe that. He had to toughen up and be a man about his decisions, if not, the other one will get hurt.

How he had missed being in Yibo's arms so much, and if he had no other obligations, he would stay and spend the night with him. No questions asked he would want to stay and make love to him. He had been wanting to ever since the kiss that happened in Yibo's apartment, but, he was just too consumed in hate and jealousy towards him and Jackson that he didn't realise it until now.

Jackson made it clear to him when the man invited him in earlier that nothing is going on between him and Yibo. Zhan didn't believe it at first, but as their conversation grew, he had seen and realised how sincere and worried Jackson is to Yibo. He had told him everything, from his insobriety to going to various doctors to treat his insomnia, a different psychiatrist for his depression, the medications and such, but, nothing made Yibo feel better. Jackson also told him about the cuts on Yibo's body. He knew, but, he wanted to see for himself. He can still imagine Jackson's face and hear his voice when he was telling him how Yibo life turned upside down when he thought that he had died.

"If he, or we had hurt you in the past Xiao Zhan, I'm so sorry. Let's me start there.."

"I'm not telling you this to make it look like that's it's your fault, but, I feel like you have the right to know.."

After that, everything he had thought about Yibo, the scorn that had built up inside of him suddenly evaporated into thin air like it didn't happen. But then again, his pride, his confusing feelings for Yibo, and the relationship he has for another man are on the line, that's why he had to keep his harsh attitude towards him. He should, he must.

He took another sniff of Yibo's scent, brushing his fingers into the man's wet hair down to his nape before he whispered those phrases. The words he believes will prevent them from seeing each other again, that will save them from hurting each other again, and the only way he thinks that will make Yibo stop loving him.

"But, I don't love you anymore. I'm sorry.."

Good. Now, walk away, Zhan. Leave him be. He needs to move on too. Just like you did.

He separated his body with Yibo and without a glance, walked out of the room as quickly as he could. He needs to get out fast, or else, he might lose control and give in. The man he left stood still, no sound, no hand that pulled him back and it was a dreadful feeling. He wasn't expecting it to be that way. With all honesty on his side, he wanted Yibo to call his name, grab him back to him and beg more for him not to go, but, it was not to be.

Or so he thought.

The whole leaving room was dull, as his emotions. He went straight to the couch where he placed his things earlier and yanked it, ready to walk out the door, however, his feet were not cooperating well. It seemed heavy, even his chest felt like the air was stuck inside that it wasn't coming out fully as it should. And, his thoughts were the ones to blame. Should I leave him? What if he gets sick again? Haikuan will be upset. Should I spend the night here, then? But, how? After what I told him. What do I tell Chen? What if he finds out? He'll be heartbroken. What if I just go back upstairs and tell him that I'm sorry? Will he believe me? All these questions swarming in his mind as he ambles to the exit when all of a sudden, he was snatched from behind. He gasped and dropped his bag on the floor from the force.