He Lives In You (COMP.)

40th Chapter: FAREWELL

Zhan's body trembles as he walks towards the bed, tears still escaping his hollow eyes. He sits on the mattress and gets his self prepared to open the slightly crumpled pieces of paper clutched tightly into his hand. Everything went too fast for everyone, him especially. Just words are not enough to portray what he was feeling, but surely enough, helplessness and shame are one of them. He stared at the silk cloth stained by fluid continuing to plunge from him like a waterfall and gently ran his thumb on the initials etched on it. He recalled making one for Yuta once, a red one, yellow for Yubin, and the exact blue one for him. However, he couldn't think back to the time he had lent it to someone and believed as years went by that he lost it no somewhere. Somehow, his mind convinced him that it was the case and gradually made some memories disappear as if it didn't happen.

Zhan's brain was dispersed into tiny pieces into the past, present, and future, like confusion, suffering, and uncertainty. He stumbled as he tried to think of a way to get out of the bad dream he was in, and wanted to just run and be in Yibo's arms. He loves him, he sure can't deny the feelings he still has for him, 'cause that goodbye made that all clear like crystals.

He was too caught up with his thoughts when all of sudden, a slight creak regained his attention. Thinking that it was Yubin, he didn't bother to look and continued to wander and wonder, until a pair of hands scooped his flushed face-up. Zhan was a bit stunned but was automatically changed to gladness when he saw who it was.

"Chen.."

The man smiled sorrowfully, kneeled to his level, and cloaked him with an embrace he so badly needed. Zhan buried his face and freely wept like a child on the man's broad shoulder. After a brief moment of grief, silence befell the room.

"I had sex with him.."

A low gasp from the other's lips followed, in which Zhan senses disappointment immediately. He took advantage of the situation, thinking that no other time is right than now to admit the sin he had committed behind his lover's back. He could feel Chen's chest pressed with him race up, and heard a soft whiff from him. No words were needed, for it was enough response for him to heighten the fear of the possibility of losing such an amazing man too. However, no choice was left except for it, and he has to face whatever consequences that mistake has in store for him, just like losing Yibo.

Zhan tightened the embrace, shame is all they he got now and no more.

"I'm sorry.."

He whispered, readying himself to whatever harsh statements the man might throw at him. The other tried to withdrew from the hug, but Zhan wasn't ready to face rejection yet and the disgrace is still raw so he pulled him back to him.

"Zhan.."

"I'm sorry.."

"I know.."

The phrases had cut Zhan in the middle. Half of him wants to believe that Chen might still forgive him, while the other half senses rejection. Zhan finally and slowly let go but his eyes weren't strong enough to meet with Chen and so stayed down on the floor. No lips were moved for a while and stillness and doubts cloaked both of them like snow. Zhan was anticipating the worse, but what he heard next, made his heart flutter.

"Do you still want to be with me, Zhan..?"

~*~• ❤💚 •~*~