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Chapter 12: take away the pain

//tw: suicidal thoughts mentions of self harm//

Wilbur felt at his lowest. He'd been having constant horrible thoughts and mental breakdowns. Why did he let it get this bad? Why didn't he talk to someone. Because he didn't know it would get to this point.

To the point of dispair, the point of not having energy and horrible thoughts, worse than he did back before he met his now boyfriend's.

And he didn't know why.

He sat in his room and stared at his phone in silence. It was now midnight. No one came to check on him. If no one was here than he could do anything..

His eyes widened. Another intrusive thought, but more worrying and worse than the others. He had people to talk to. But he didn't. He didn't talk to them and now he was paying the price.

The thoughts felt more like voices.
He gripped his hair and cried into his knees. He couldn't make it go away. The feelings, the voices, he couldn't move to get up to ask for help, he couldn't move, he felt helpless, trapped in his own mind.

He gripped his hair. He was breaking. Months after everything, he was breaking. He remembered when he broke back with sapnap, when he relapsed from the voices, relapsed as in hurt himself again. He'd been clean for so long and he relapsed.

How horrible he'd felt after he did it. But this time it was different. The voices said different things. Instead of telling him to harm himself to get rid of everything, he knew, the voices knew, that wouldn't work this time.

It wouldn't change anything and he knew it would just make him feel worse. He just wanted this to stop.
He wanted to stop feeling this way.

He didn't want to feel this sad, scared of himself and others, afraid to live, hating himself and not being able to do anything about it, not being able to talk to anyone about it.

He just wanted it to stop.

He couldn't handle so much stress.

He wanted out.

He started crying harder than before. No one was here and he couldn't take this anymore. He didn't think about how anyone would feel if he was gone. His thoughts didn't let him.

He slowly sat up for the first time in hours and hiccuped. He no longer thought about going to sapnap or anyone. He wanted this to stop.

He knew bad and skeppy were asleep, they usually went to bed around 11. He got up and headed to the bathroom. He shut the door and looked at the mirror.

What was he supposed to do..?
He couldn't make it go away..
He wanted someone to help him.
But he couldn't make himself do it.
Mentally. He couldn't make himself talk to anyone.

He felt so drained. All the crying and panic attacks, the pain. He hurt. More ways than one. He felt the voices yelling at him. Like when he relapsed. But this time it would be different. Maybe he found finally be free..

Maybe he could finally stop hurting so bad..