When Izuku Remains To Not Give A Fuck

A Clash Of Cults Not Clans

Hey guys! It's your favorite somehow alive author back at it again after almost being drowned! Also feel free to suggest chapters and different things, I'm running out of shit to do.

Izuku's POV:

Somebody DM-ed me on discord, telling me to meet them at this tea shop, because they have a piece of Eraserhead merch. Now do I call bullshit? 100%, yes. But does that mean I won't throw them a bone and act oblivious.

So now I'm here, and there definitely a van right there that's waiting for me. So instead of waiting for people to come here and for me to act like I fall asleep when they put something over my mouth, I go ahead, wave to and flip off the driver, and climb into the back, and sit in the chair with the restraints nearby, whilst the people who were scheming are just staring at me now.

"Can we make this quick? I have shit to do today." They are just gawking now. "Listen I know I'm a hot devil but if you even want a chance to do whatever bad things you have planned, I suggest you start the fucking car." I know flirting with the kidnapper isn't exactly in my best interest right now, but fuck my life.

He tied me up, and you can already guess what I said next.

"Kinky~ You know I was never really into BDSM~"

"S-shut up! We are-"

"Make me~"

"Stop fucking flirting! We are from another cult, and we are going to exterminate you on live television!"

"Ok, but like exterminate me how? Cause the only one who can destroy me with their cock is Hito-" I think I'm successfully fucking with them.

"No! We are burning you at the stake!"

"Ok but like, who is your leader and whats the cult name?"

"The Reptilian Force. And Vipera is our wonderful leader." Oh fuck, I had a run in with that bitch one time when I was vigilante-ing. She wasn't happy that I was on her territory. So I guess this is revenge?

So when we get there, they take me off the chair, and tie me to a wooden stake covered in gasoline. They then start the video feed.

"Say hi, almighty Midori!" Bitches be sarcastic but that's fine.

"Hey kids! It's your favorite not-so-quirkless asshat at it again, except this time they doing me like the witches at Salem and burning me at the stake. Like Vipera, bestie, you would be dead without me girl. Can you loosen the fuck up? Like if you go on like this you'll be the Tenya Iida of villains. And hun, you don't want that shit. Also keep in mind, I'm not begging these kinky bastards to untie me, I'm looking out for your bitchass." Kinky Captor 1 smacks me at that. I let out a loud clearly fake moan cause fuck him.

So when they start getting the matches out, I begin my rein of terror.

"You could say that the stakes are high here." He lights me on fire, and it flares up.

"You could say I'm really feeling the heat."

"You could say I look pretty burning hot."

"The heat... ITS OVER 9000!"

"Water... Earth... Fire... Air... Long Ago The Four Nations Lived Together In Harmony... Then, Everything Changed When The Fire Nation Attacked."

"It would be pretty funny if my homeboy Todoroki came in to save me, cause like he has a fire quirk and- yeah."

"Charmander, that you?"

"YO GUYS, STOP! MY MOM SAID SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOUR LUNGS!"

Eventually I just elected to start singing prequirk era songs. (Warning, I don't know the title of any of these songs)

"THIS GIRL IS ON FIREEEEEEE!"

"We didn't start the fire! It's been always burning since the worlds been turning!"

"You don't play with fire! Unless you wanna get burned, wanna get burned!"

"I'VE ALWAYS LIKED TO PLAY WITH FIRE!"

I overhear Kinky Captor 2 making a phone call to Vipera.

"Yeah Boss, he's just singing these weird songs I think are from the prequirk Era. No I don't know what they are. No, he doesn't look like he's in pain. Ok, see you soon." Lol I guess I made Vipera pissed.

Soon she gets here.

"Why aren't you dead yet Midori."

"Ok 1, that voice was hot, and 2, You can't kill me, I'm a bad bitch."

"We will keep you here until you talk-" In a split second, I'm sitting on top of the pole, checking my nails. And this bitch had the audacity to turn away from me.

"Vipera, Bestie, Hunny, Apparent Cult Leader, you don't keep me here, I stay here for the shits and giggles. Now in the wise words of the Christian god after a snake like yourself fed Eve and apple," I jumped down, feet first, onto her back, making her fall face first into the ground. "EAT DIRT BITCH!" Of course then the two Kinky Captors make a run for the van. "Hell fucking no bitch." I make them eat dirt too, and then steal their van. I could give it to Hatsume and Lottie or something.

Upon arrival back, and into the vents, it appears none of the heroes were watching the local news, as if they were they wouldn't be holding a meeting on how to get me back. I of course, jump down from the vents, onto the meeting table, and screech

"I LIVED BITCHES!" 

The amount of quirks that bitchslapped me after that were 100% worth it.

That's a wrap! With broccoli! Anygays, have a good morning, afternoon, or night and I'll see you next time!