Under Emison Beat

CH 03 - Loving you is a losing game

People say nothing hurts more than a broken heart. And, they couldn't be more wrong. For Alison, there's something more painful, something impossible to get over and that's it a broken promise, especially when you know deep down you could have done something to keep your word. And maybe that's the main reason why Alison feels so uneasy with this call. She promised Pam to always be Emily's family and right now, she's nothing more than an intruder in the brunette's life. So, how she's supposed to face Ms. Fields without shame? Without remorse for her inability to keep her word?

"I'm sorry..."

Pam deeply sighs, it always puts her uneasy when Alison starts their conversations with an apology. And the big remorse Alison has towards Pam is definitely one of the reasons why the old woman was never able to really hate her after the divorce. Do not get it wrong, Pam is not a fan of the blonde, but she doesn't hate her. She doesn't blame her for the divorce because deep down, Ms. Fields knows that the separation is not only Alison's fault. Emily had a big part in it too.

So, Alison should stop apologizing, she should stop blaming herself for the fallout of the marriage, but regardless of what Pam could say to her, Alison will never make peace with it till she's ready to let go. Let go of the blame, the remorse, the pain and the wonder of what could have been but never happened. And, Pam prays everyday so that day comes soon because after all, she wishes nothing more than happiness for Alison.

"How are you?"

"We're doing fine, Ms. Fields. You don't need to worry for Emily and the girls. They are fine"

"I know they're fine. You're there so I know they will be okay. That's not what I'm asking: How are you? You, Alison. How are YOU?"

The blonde doesn't dare to answer such a direct question. But, hearing her deep breaths over the phone, it gives Pam a pretty good clue to think that the blonde is far from being okay. And, how can she be okay? She has been dragged back to this wicked town which has caused her so much pain. Just to take care of the girl who has also brought her more pain than happiness. Because do not take it wrong, Alison might have hurt Emily more than once, but the brunette did the same to her.

So yeah, she's not fine. Alison is far from being fine. But, can she admit it to herself? To Pam? No, she can't. So what do you do when you are not able to face the truth? You lie. And, Alison has always been a master of lies, always able to keep her cool and good appearance in the most difficult situations. So, she should be able to pretend to be fine for Pam' sake but she cannot. Because the moment she dares to insinuate she's doing great, Pam doesn't believe it.

"Do not lie to me, Alison! I know you're not fine, far less great!"

Of course Pam doesn't buy it, and the blonde wonders how Emily and Pam always find a way to see through her soul. Is it a family thing? A superpower they got? Who knows, but it bugs Alison every time.

"I've no idea what you're feeling right now. I wish you could tell me. But, if you can't. It's okay..."

"Ms Fields..."

"Alison. I'm Pam for you! Just because you're not married to my daughter, it doesn't mean you cannot call me by my name and it doesn't mean either I don't care for you. I never stopped to care. I hope you know that"

"I know... I know, Pam..."

"Then why do you keep pushing me away?"

Tears start to blur her view and Alison is thankful they are having this conversation over the phone, because the last thing she needs right now, it's to be a crying baby in front of the only woman who has really been like a mother to her.