It's been a long time

Chapter 69

"Mama?" A young meredith asked. "What is it, Meredith?"? Ellis replied in annoyance, scribbling notes at the kitchen table.

"Do you want to go play with me?" She asked hopefully. "I'm working. Go away."

"Why don't you play with me, mommy? Where's daddy? He used to play with me." Meredith said. Eli's sighed and rolled her eyes. "I have work to do, Meredith. Important work and you are bothering me." She said sternly.

"You always work. Daddy played with me." Meredith said. "I don't give a damn about daddy, Meredith! I don't give a damn about you! Go to dereks house!" Ellis yelled.

Meredith jolted awake and sat up. "Wha-what happened? Are you okay?" Derek asked sleepily in concern.

"I-yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." Meredith panted. "What's going on, Mer?" Derek questioned, rubbing her back gently up and down as his wife controlled her breathing.

"Just a nightmare. I'm fine, go back to sleep." She replied. "Are you sure you're okay?" Derek asked. Meredith nodded and laid back. "Yeah." She breathed, reassuring herself.

The seconds turned to minutes, and the minutes turned to hours as mereditj tried to fall back asleep. But her thoughts were racing after that nightmare.

Would she be a bad mother like Ellis? Would she be cruel enough to her baby boy to send him away to a friends house? Would she put work before him?

Meredith wanted to be nothing like her mother. Nothing like her at all. She has to be a mother, or she would fail herself.

"Go to sleep." Derek whispered. "How did you know I wasn't asleep?" Meredith retorted. "I can feel your thoughts. What is it, Mer?" He asked quietly.

"I don't want to be like Ellis. I can't be like her." She admitted. "Mer, your nothing like her."

"But what if I am when the baby comes? What if I put work before my kids? Hell, what if I slit my wrists in front of them while they watch?" Meredith exclaimed.

"You...what?" Derek breathed. "I dont want to be like her." She whispered. "Mer....what did she do?" Derek asked, taking her into his arms protectively and putting his hands on her bump.

"I don't..." Meredith trailed off. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Derek said quickly. "I need to. To be a good mother, I think I need to talk about mine."

"One day, I was in the kitchen eating breakfast. It was the morning after Richard broke up with her and she was devastated. So she...came up to me with the scalpel in her hand. Told me to be extraordinary. And then she just...cut her wrists." Meredith explained quietly.

"Oh god..." Derek murmured.

"I called 911 and then watched helplessly as she almost bled to death."

"I'm so sorry you went through that." He whispered, tightening his arms around her. "The ambulance came and we went to the hosptial. Next thing I knew, I was in foster care for a few weeks until psych cleared her. Then...everything went back to normal." Meredith finished, hastily sipping a tear from her eye.

"I'm sorry, Mer. I'm sorry you had such a bad childhood. But I can assure you, you will not be anything like Ellis when it comes to being a mother. You aren't anything like Ellis now." Derek said.

Meredith nodded silently. "Let's get some sleep and in the morning we can talk more."

•••

The two woke up and went downstairs, neither having spoken about what happened that night.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked gently as he sipped his coffee. "Yeah." Meredith responded. "You know, you can talk to mom. I'm sure she'd help." Derek suggested.

"That's a good idea. I'm going to do that now." Meredith said with a small smile. She grabbed her phone and walked into the living room.

"Carolyn?" Meredith asked into the phone. "Meredith, how are you?" Carolyn responded. "I'm good. Can I...talk to you about something?" Meredith responded.

"Of course, dear. Is everything okay?" She asked in concern. "Yes, everything's fine. I just...last night I had a nightmare thing. About my mom. Do you have any advice to...not be a sucky mom like mine?" Meredith asked.

"You are not like your mother in any way, dear." Carolyn said, already knowing what she was concerned about. "But what if I am?" Meredith asked.

"What if once the baby is born, I start neglecting Derek? Or the baby? What happens then?"

"Meredith, sweetie, you won't neglect anyone. Your mother...she was a bitch. A cold, heartless woman who shouldn't have been allowed to have children." Carolyn said gently.

"But-"

"No buts. Your mother and thatcher...they probably shouldn't have gotten married either, to be honest. But you and Derek....that's true love. I knew since the minute you moved across the street you'd have a special bond. And you both have wanted this since you were old enough to know you wanted kids."

"I can't end up like her." Meredith whispered.

"You won't be. I doubt Ellis scolded thatcher for swearing when the baby was still in the womb. I doubt Ellis talked to you in the womb. Honey, you are already 10 times the mother Ellis ever was." Carolyn said.

"I want to be like you." Meredith admitted. "I don't want you to be. I want you to be you. You're going to be a fantastic mother, Meredith. I'm very very glad my son chose you to build a family with." Carolyn said truthfully.

"Thank you." Meredith whispered.

"Of course. I love you." She said. "I love you too mom."

Hey guys! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and hope your all doing well. This chapter is short, so sorry about that. If you have any suggestions for further chapters, please let me know. Thanks for reading!!