The Merchant's Daughter

Chapter 50: His Demons

Dalton slipped out of bed, got dressed and went to his study... he let his head fall into his hands in disbelief...  how did these words slip out of his tongue??
He only loved Mary... he knew he would never love anyone else after he lost her during giving birth to their baby... this poor little thing who didn't survive three days after his mother taking Dalton's heart to the grave with them .. How these exact words came out to Helena?
It's not how I feel for her; he thought... I would never betray Mary's memory and open my heart to another... I was never able to open my heart to Suzan with all her manipulative words of love... and thank Goodness my heart was closed... I didn't feel anything when she ran off with her lover... I don't want to fall for Helena... "Oh God please I wish she didn't hear my words"

Helena came out of her room when it wasn't even daylight searching for him.
Her happy heart with his words of love and her anticipation for her father made her jump happily of bed not needing sleep or anything for this day that she thought would be the happiest ever.

She went down to the study and found Dalton standing by the window looking at the still dark skies.
She smiled and went behind him kissing his back and circled his waist: I love you too Dalton... so much... have been fighting myself to say it till I heard it from you... but I do... truly
Dalton turned coldly: I didn't say it to you Helena... how many times I need to explain that I do not love you

Helena's face showed a freezing painful sense of rejection she would have never imagined herself feeling in her life as she whispered: but... you... just said it to me...
Dalton looked away coldly: not to you... you heard me calling her name before... not you

His words were like a knife going deep into her chest: but all these times I saw love in your eyes Dalton... I cannot believe I was mistaken on how we felt for each other, the amount of times we hugged, the softness of your kisses... the passion, the closeness...
Dalton: I felt nothing... Everything was out of duty... my need for you was merely physical... there were no feelings, nothing more than a male's desire to his woman... pure instinct.

Helena tried to gasp for air, as she wasn't breathing: this's not how i felt... it has never been about a need... my feelings grew every single day till that day at the orphanage... I knew for sure I was completely in love with you...
Dalton shouted unable to hear her: Helena enough... you are a proud woman and I do not want to hurt your feelings in an ugly way... I told you what you are to me... your feelings will only complicate the situation... you will want more when I can't give you anything.
Helena: but we have a chance Dalton... it's beautiful and we can grow it... I will be beside you every step... I promise... it's so beautiful and special.
Dalton shock his head: it won't grow Helena, we will end up with more hurt and pain... I do not love you, even now, your words of love suffocate me...
Helena's pain was deepening: are you telling me it won't make a difference to you if I'm with you or not?
Dalton looked so still: deep inside, I honestly believe it would be easier if you were not with me... you need to stay away till your feelings fade away... maybe then we can return to how it was at the early days of our marriage.. Purely fulfilling our body needs with no expectations or complications
Helena's pain was too heavy... she mumbled numbly: at these early days, I was asking God why I were with you... and how our very different paths got connected... I come from far and out of the whole world, you came my way and we married. Again, I was still asking God about his plan for me and what could be the reasons... But I trusted & knew that it was not a random choice and that there were reasons... now more than ever, I know that I was supposed to meet and love you and would have never found you if it was not meant to be..
Dalton: what's the use if I cannot feel you... or can ever have any sort of feelings for you?
Helena's tears dropped: I don't know... I know I love you and it hurts... so much.

He didn't answer... She swallowed hard and stood holding her head high at his stillness and his rejection to her: I will go then, and will not come back... I will return to York... Maybe time will be the miracle we need.
Dalton's heart fell, but still wanted to push her away: I will ask them to arrange the carriage for you
Helena: no need... I already arranged
Dalton: is it enough to take your entire luggage? Will you go to your mother's?
Helena gasped in disbelief that he's sending her away with even her luggage to ensure she's really gone: no luggage... I will travel putting on the dress I came wearing the first time i entered your house... the rest of your money, pearls will be at the drawer of the dressing table... I... I never thought I wouldn't be enough for you... It hurts so much... bye Dalton.

He stood frozen unable to even breath normally from the heaviness on his chest... he kept telling himself he's doing her and himself a favor.. He's sending her away rather than hurting her feelings trying to escape from her love every day.
He came back from his far thoughts to the real moment when he saw her in her royal blue dress on top of the men's pant mounting a horse with another rider
The horse she rode was Sparky from the race... he didn't understand how, but he only breathed heavily trying to stop himself from rushing out calling her not to go!
Even this feeling, didn't make any sense to him.