Troubled: A Demi Lovato FanFic

Avie

"No. No you aren't quitting." I remembered my promise to Demi. It was hard to support Kenzie, after hating her so deeply for so long. I knew that the way she acted towards Kenna wasn't her fault. I knew she had been through so much and I wanted to be there for her. But sometimes it was still hard.

"Think about all the hard work you did to get here." I tried to think of what Demi would say.

"I didn't work hard." She stared blankly at me.

"Come on Kenzie. You know you worked hard. You went to audition after audition, you took ballet, gymnastics, acting lessons, singing lessons..."

"That's true." Her face lit up. Her smile made me remember that she truly was an amazing little girl. Her smile also reminded me of Kenna. As unfair as it sounds, I almost felt like I was talking to Kenna. If I had to pretend that that's who I was talking to, to comfort her.. How bad of a person does that make me?

"You know, so what if this is your first time being in a TV series. You're also the youngest one here. And you're the star. The show's named after you." I hugged her. "I know that things are hard right now. But you have to keep going."

"But do you think they'll let me come back now?" Kenzie wiped a tear away.

"Of course!" I smiled, silently celebrating the fact that somehow I had convinced her to stay.

"I'm too dumb. Kenna can read. Why can't I?"

"You're just... different. That's all. I'm sure you'll learn soon." I chose my words carefully. Part of me wanted to tell her that it was okay for her to be dumber than Kenna. I was dumber than Kenna in a lot of ways.

"Whatever." She fixed her hair, dramatically flipping it. "Do I look okay?"

"You look beautiful."

"Okay I'm going!" She called out to me, running to get back to the reading. That was the Kenzie I knew. She was back.

"Kenzie wait. I'm so so proud of you." She ran back and hugged me.

"I love you Cece."
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*possible trigger warning*

After getting Kenzie to go back to working, I made my way to the dressing room. I wanted to be alone. I craved it. I hadn't had much privacy since moving to LA. I hadn't had much time to think my own thoughts alone. Part of that was a good thing. I hadn't had time to be sad. I didn't think I was depressed anymore.

On the flip side, I hadn't had time to deal with anything I was feeling. I was so overwhelmed that I didn't know how I was still functioning. I missed my best friend, I missed my parents. I missed Texas, as weird as that may sound.

Standing in front of the mirror, I saw fat. Fat everywhere and fat everything. My reflection almost reduced me to tears. I felt sick, nauseous and dizzy. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up, purely out of the disgust I had for my body. I wanted so badly to just be skinny; To look like the pretty people, the ones who were happy. The desperation ate away at me, leaving a hollow feeling in my stomach. A hollow feeling that would have been filled by starving myself. No matter where I was or what I was doing, I was always going to wish I could lose more weight. I thought about it all of the time. The room my depression left when it turned into happiness was now taken over by my eating disorder. One thing got better and another thing got worse.

It just wasn't fair. Or I guess it was fair, because those people who are skinny had the willpower to eat healthily, and to exercise; while I just sat there and made myself throw up, I was too lazy to exercise. Fat. Ugly. Failure. It repeated through my mind as if it were a functional organ, breathing through the release of self hate. I was angry, so so angry at myself for gaining so much weight. I made the promise to myself that I was going to lose weight again. I was going to be skinny. I sat down on the couch and tried to resist the urges I had to hurt myself.

All was going well until I spotted it. On the counter in a makeup bag. It flew to me, or okay, I flew to it. With it in my hand I felt complete again. I removed the blade and dragged it across my clean skin. It felt incredible.

"Hey." I heard someone knock.

"Oh who is it?" I jumped up, my fingers dropping the bloody blade. I rinsed it off and placed it in my shoe. I grabbed a towel and pressed on the wounds. They were deeper than I had wanted.

"It's Avie, with Kenzie. She wants to call her mom."

Avie. Avie was at my door and I looked absolutely horrible. Not to mention, my wrist was bleeding a concerning amount.

"Oh tell Alexia to let her call." I screamed back.

"Alexia wanted to check with you."

"Um yeah sure whatever just call." I called out, frazzled.

"CECE! Don't you want to come see me?" Kenzie banged on the door.

"Kenzie, not now." I muttered. "I'll be there in a few minutes."

"No I need you. Mommy's not here and now you aren't even with me." I heard her whimper. "Come back."

"Just let me in." Avie banged on the door. I sat down, my head spinning with voices, both inside and outside. My wrist stung, and I already craved more. I didn't hear anybody come in, but when I looked up, in my state of panic, I saw Avie's eyes meet mine.

"Calm down. It's okay." She immediately looked down at my bleeding wrist. "It's okay. Let me take care of it." She looked unfazed. "I'm just gonna clean it and then I'll stop the bleeding."

"Oh it's fine." I shrugged.

"Yeah I didn't ask you. Im cleaning you up." She smirked. "It might sting."

I shut my eyes as the water struck my cuts. She tied a bandage on and applied pressure. I was getting dizzier by the minute.

"There, the bleeding stopped." She grabbed my other wrist. "You're so beautiful." She whispered.

I was apparently clawing at my head, because she grabbed at my hand. "Don't forget to breathe."After a few minutes of staring into each other's eyes, I relaxed.

"I'm-I'm okay." I muttered, suddenly embarrassed that she saw me at my weakest. I didn't even like Demi seeing me in this state. She didn't say anything about the fact that I had cut myself, and I didn't dare bring it up. I hoped we could always pretend it never happened.

I also thought I might... *like* Avie. She was gorgeous. I had never felt that way about anyone, much less any guy before.

"Should we go back and see where Kenzie is?" She asked, not letting go of my hand.

"Sure." As soon as I spotted Kenzie I dropped Avie's hand. It felt weird. I didn't think I liked girls. I thought I was straight. What would everyone think? Maybe she was just a friend of mine. Maybe she didn't like me, and I only liked her as a... role model? Or an inspiration for me? Among all of my thoughts, I articulated the one that would be most important. In that moment.

"I'm here now Kenzie. You don't need to call Demi."

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