Troubled: A Demi Lovato FanFic

Regret

My name is Cece and I'm 13. I have white blonde hair and beautiful dark brown eyes. I used to hate my hair and eyes. I've grown to love them. I used to wear all black all the time. I've grown to wear color. I have a family who loves me. They love me so much. My best friends are the strongest girls I know. My name is Cece and I'm 13. There's this girl I like. Love is magical.

My name is Cece and I'm 13. My feet trudged along the sidewalk as I walked in my dream. My name- 13. I'm 13. There's an adoption center. I missed it. I loved them. But now, now I have, I had, a family who loved me. Before I knew what love was they loved me. Abuse. Rape. Drugs? I was never bad, I reacted.

My name is Cece and I'm 13. My head hurts. Messy. My heart hurts. It was never supposed to be so bad. My name is Cece and I'm 13. Cece. I was 13. 

Silence. Life is messy.

"She fought so hard. Her body just couldn't take it anymore, it looked like years of abuse that led up to this. We did everything we could, I'm so sorry." I watched as the doctor broke the news to Demi. Demi who wasn't there when I needed her. But the same Demi now crumpled into a ball, sobbing. I felt her, I felt her pain. She regained her strength to make it to my bed. Her hand on my cheek. I felt her. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I let you down." I've never seen her in so much pain.

The twins. Mackenzie. I hated her at first, but in reality she reminded me of everything I could never be. She didn't cry, she just looked. Silent for the first time. This added more to her list of horrible experiences. But that's all I was really. Maybe she would sing at my funeral. 

McKenna. She was me. The vacation together, pretend tattoos, water balloon fights. My friendship bracelet she had made me was still on my wrist. Besties forever. I don't know what else to say. 

"I love you."

Her raspy voice. She spoke. Her first words since she did what I succeeded in doing to myself. Wasted on my dead body. Demi helped her reach my hand. She cried. She aged 10 years older that day. She would carry the little blue duckling I picked out for her forever.

Avie. She didn't speak. She was so incredibly beautiful. I wanted to feel her arms around me one last time. But I never got the chance to love her. She would never be the same.

My mom and dad. How long had it been? They used to seem so strong but they were both crying. They would keep my room exactly the way it was knowing them. I broke them.

Maybe this was my happily ever after. Don't I get to be selfish for once?

I didn't need to be dead. There was a part of myself, there was the broken Cece, but there was also the Cece who loved life. I only needed to kill the broken girl. But sometimes you die trying. 

This, this is not how the story should end, and it won't, not for everyone else. But sometimes it's better to be left wondering. The mystery of it is almost more fun than the end result. 

Today I want to be alive. That's the thing, it isn't a one time selfish act, my one time being selfish is going to cost my family pain for the rest of their lives.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

What would I have been?

I hope the twins will grow up knowing how much I loved them. I hope they'll grow up connected to me. I hope Demi doesn't blame herself. I hope she can stay strong for me. I hope my parents don't regret sending me off with Demi. I hope MY family does something bigger for the world. Adopts another broken girl, and this time fixes her. 

I hope Avie knows how much I love her. If I could I would do anything for her. I hope she finds love somewhere else. 

These hopes though, they could have been realities. I regret my actions. But I can't take them back. Death isn't pretty like I thought it would be.

I've never been to a funeral. A few days from now maybe I'll see my own. 

Troubled. My middle name.

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(For anyone who actually reads this because I know I suck and it's been like a year and a half oops)

When I started writing this fanfiction I was 16. My writing style was entirely different. I hadn't been through half of the things I've been through as of now. And the truth is I've changed. Cece has always been a part of me. She represents at least the extremes of me. I can't do her justice anymore, and as hard as this ending might be, it's what needed to happen.

I've made so many incredible friends just by writing this. This might sound dramatic but it's changed my life. I know it isn't the best fanfiction, but it's special to me. 

I want to write more, maybe continuing off of this one with a different character. I know it's been quite a long time since I've actually updated, but I've gotten myself on a schedule where I will be writing more. There will be more fanfictions coming, even if it isn't a sequel to this one. I also want to go through and edit this one a lot. So if anyone actually cares you can check back and see the updated version.

Thank you to anyone who ever read, commented, liked, messaged me, followed me, anything. This chapter isn't my best but I needed to get back into writing so it's something.

If anyone is struggling with anything mentioned in this book, it gets better. I know you don't want to hear about it. I try to help people as best I can, if you ever feel alone the least I can do is be there for you. Kik me.

I love all of you.

-Annie