Troubled: A Demi Lovato FanFic

Escape

*trigger warning on basically the entire chapter

I had never really thought about how much I valued my privacy until McKenna was in the hospital. Obviously, living in the hospital was far from ideal. I had heard horror stories of other people spending weeks in the hospital. I had never imagined I would have to do the same, and I didn't think I could handle it. But when you have to do something you learn to handle it. I was in the bathtub, with my clothes on and the water not running. The door was locked and I needed the 15 or so minutes I had before somebody forced me out. I had officially reached a new low.

The blade I had used earlier was tucked in my shoe. I took it out in the privacy of the bathroom and held it in my hands. I remembered doing this often before I had tried to recover. I missed it. It was like a friend who moves away and comes back, one you don't talk to for a long time, but when that person comes back into your life, you can't remember what life was like without them. You don't want to go back to life without that person. My person was the blade. No matter how long I go without it, it'll always come back to me.

We were home from the hospital for the day. Kenna had done as well as could be expected. I had held her hand and talked her through the procedure, reassuring and comforting her. She was visibly uncomfortable, her hand squeezed mine harder than I had felt before, and she cried. At one point her eyes had shut and she squeezed her face in pain. I hadn't seen her do that before, so I was excited she was getting little functions back. But it was devastating to watch her in pain, when all I could do was encourage her.

I had a couple hours before I had to leave for the team building event with Kenzie's cast members- including Avie. I was excited to see Avie but then I remembered I was also exhausted. I was always exhausted. Thinking about having to get dressed up and interact with more people seemed impossible. The depression that had seemed to be lifted was back full force. I didn't want to go on anymore, I didn't want to watch Kenna suffer, and the more I thought about it, I didn't want to drag Avie into my life only for me to kill myself and leave her devastated. Without thinking twice, I slashed into my wrists, reopening the cuts from earlier. Each cut made me feel more powerful, yet I was slowly losing control of myself.

"Ceceeee! We're gonna be late! Hurry!" Kenzie pounded on the door. Her voice brought me back to reality and I dropped the blade, staring at my wrists in horror at what I had done. They looked like they had used to. I had failed at everything. Recovery was over for me. The tears began falling from my eyes until I was left sobbing, gasping for air and unable to even reply to Kenzie.

"Mommy! Mommy, Cece's crying!" Kenzie yelled. As much as I needed Demi's comfort, I didn't want her to know I had relapsed this badly. She didn't care anymore. She just blew me off over and over again- and she had every right to, but that didn't make it hurt any less. My busy schedule, or the schedule I created in my head to try and push everything else away, didn't leave time for me to miss Demi. But if she actually doesn't care about me... my mind wandered.

"No. NO! NO!" I yelled back frantically.

"Mommy come on she needs you!" Kenzie called, hitting the door. But she wasn't coming. She had better things to do, things that didn't involve me. And that was okay. She only needed me to take care of Kenzie. I was nothing to her.

My anger towards Demi intensified, among my crying, I stood up. I was so angry, so frustrated and so empty that I wanted to scream as loud as I could and break every piece of furniture in the house. But that would have called attention to myself, so I used tissue to clean my wounds off and wrapped them in gauze and medical tape- just so that nobody would see what I had done. Still shaking I flung the door open, taking deep breaths and ran to the front door. Kenzie was trying to pull Demi towards me, but Demi was trying to cook dinner, talk on the phone, and change Kenna's bandages around her tubes at the same time. She was distracted and she didn't even notice me walking out. That sealed the deal. Kenzie on the other hand, she freaked out, she came running after me, but I was able to outrun her. I ran for blocks only stopping because I was too dizzy to continue. I didn't know where I was anymore, I didn't know exactly where I was going and it was getting dark. I just knew what I had to do- and if Demi got there fast enough, then she cared about me and I was meant to live. But if she didn't...

After a few minutes of walking I was still on hospital property but I could see where it ended. I could see the highway that led past the hospital. I had to get there. Demi wasn't coming after me, she didn't care anymore, and Mackenzie was better off without me. They all were. Even McKenna. Regaining my strength, I ran towards the highway as fast as I could. My mind was racing, I was so hungry I couldn't think straight, and before I had the time to give any rational thought, I threw myself into the middle of the road. My legs gave out on me as I collapsed.

Everything went black.

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next update: Saturday (tomorrow)