Frozen Feelings

I wish

I wish I could love this
That I could just be happy
I love nature
The sound of waves crashing

I didn't know how hurt I was
Until I layed in my hammock
My best friends all around me
Over this beautiful view

Nature used to be my one true happy place
If I came to the forest
Looked over to see a cliff of magic
My heart would flutter

Right now I feel cold
Not my body
Not the temperature
But within

My mind is racing
Thinking of the worst
I thought nature could save me
Like it has before

I love this trip
The car ride
The hikes
My friends

So why do I lay in sadness
Thinking of all that happened
I'm broken on the inside
I can't do this anymore

I can't pretend that I'm happy
That my life means anything
Because when I try to go to sleep
All I think of is the end

I'm so scared of the person I am right now
Getting so lost even when I'm high
Even when my mind is supposed to be happy
All I want to do is die

How can I fake it anymore
When I'm just so angry
I don't want to be in this world
It doesn't make me happy

I don't know how to be okay right now
How to get over myself
I'm being so fucking dramatic
But I think I need help

So no, I'm not okay
Each day, I cry
But don't tell anyone
Keep it inside

When I curl up on the floor
Silent tears leaving my eyes
I feel nothing and everything
At the same... time

I don't want to feel like this anymore
I don't want to be helpless
I just want to be okay
I want to enjoy it

Too bad my heart won't let me
My body won't budge
My current state of mind
Has taken a pledge

I hate myself
I hate my life
I don't want to try
It's exhausting