Frozen Feelings

Alive...

I've been thinking a lot
Instead of sleeping at night
I stare at the ceiling
I ponder my life

I can't help but get stuck in the past
Where I count my regrets
I know that it's pointless
Yet my mind refuses to rest

I'm trying to be good
To work on myself
But that leaves me with trauma
That I cannot help

For the past 20 years
When I walk past a mirror
It's not myself I see
It's a mask that I wear

It's easy for me
To evaluate others
Whether direct or not
They tell you what they want

Once someone opens up to me
Which is often these days
I transform my personality
To help them be okay

I feel like I've let life pile up on me
I had to revise the majority of my dreams
I'm not the woman I was anymore
That changed recently

I know it's for the better
In the end I'll be alright
Right now though, in the present
I'm sick of this fight

I can tell I'm back to old habits
Where I let my body and my mind go
Even though it's dangerous
I can't say no

This life is consuming me
Or what's left of me, anyway
How much does it take
To actually be okay

I did the easy part
I took the knives from my back
Then I let those wounds heal
As I got over what we had

The hard part is ahead of me
The layers of trauma you left
I haven't discovered them all
But I've been working on it

I sought out what you didn't give me
Cuddles and good sex
I found it with other men
Who let me be their friend

Each time I was clear with them
I want to hang out and to fuck
I made sure to let them know
I'm not a girl to be loved

I took control over my body again
Which felt so good after all the pain
They showed me that I don't have to fake
All I needed was a different man

I let the tables turn
I get to make the mood
I'm more than just a body
Waiting to get used

See when you have to just lay there
Despite being half asleep
When you take what you can get
Even though it hurts from laziness

You learn to take the pain
You learn to stop thinking
You become mindless
As they have their way with you

It was fun for a while
With the first guy, for sure
Then I met man #2
Who made me remember you

I couldn't speak up
Though he knew the truth
I let him do it anyway
So I could be enough

He showed me a lot, actually
He made me realize I'm lost
I apologize for everything
I ignore my own thoughts

He let me see the baggage I carry
From your manipulation
When he noticed me crying
He didn't play the victim

Man #2 made a mistake
He caught feelings for me
I didn't want to hurt anyone
But I'll never be ready

I cut him off shortly after
My heart frozen in its core
He begged to stay and help me
I've heard that one before

I told you, silly guy
I'm not a girl to be loved
Maybe in the past
Now, good luck

I used to be a hopeless romantic
I wanted to be surrounded by love
Now love makes me sick
No matter who it's from

I've lost my knee, my intestines, and my heart
Check off my sobriety, too
I've turned to smoking a lot
So my mind can actually stop

Yeah, I know it's not a solution
I know it doesn't help
I just don't care about that
I don't care about myself

I'm trying to fix that, though
It's just harder than it seems
When I try to be more positive
My scars remind me it's a dream

I have given everything away
I've told the unrelenting truth
I've shown my real self to people
Only to be betrayed... and lied to

So let me take on the pain
It's what keeps me alive
If I go numb again
I won't make it this time