Frozen Feelings

Tired

My field is notorious for burn out
It's essentially an expectation
Foolish to pretend it won't happen
The only thing you don't know is when

I've only been in my field for 4 years
I haven't even gotten my degree
I'm supposed to go to graduate school
Where I'm sure I'll lose the last part of me

Imagine you're on top of a mountain
Admiring the gorgeous view
Then in the blink of an eye
It's only your fingers holding you

I'm on the edge of a cliff
My knuckles losing color
My grip is getting looser
As my mind wanders

The worst part is I'm solitary
I took a forbidden path
There is nobody to save me
I'm not coming back

It's really easy to pretend
When you have chronic illness
I blame being tired all the time
On my whirling intestines

Couple that with my shifts
I work overnight
Nobody can keep track
Of when I sleep each night

So when I sleep the day away
So I can escape my pain
Nobody can say a word
They don't notice I'm not the same

All I have to do is smile
Throw in the occasional laugh
It's easy to change my emotions
It's as simple as a switch

I started to scare myself recently
As I contemplate my life
I used to think I had something to live for
Now, I just might quit

I've lost every sense of who I am
My passion and my grades
I can't even enjoy my hobbies
They require more than I can give

The one thing that doesn't fit
Is that I actually eat some food
I'm used to simply starving
Maybe I'm in hibernation mode

The more reliable truth is that it's noticeable
I've got 3 roommates and my best friend
They watch over my like a hawk
So I eat whenever they're around

I've lost myself in drugs
Nothing serious, just weed
It takes my mind away from this
Away from each long day

I honestly don't know how I've made it this far
I get the urge to end it all the time
I think I'm waiting for the right moment
The one with the least pain

Not for me, oh no
My pain is insurmountable
It wouldn't matter anyway
It's my family... I can't ruin their day

I can't wreck their nice car
Or ruin the house the live in
I can't imagine my poor dogs
Finding me not breathing

When my time comes
I'll know it
I'm confident that way
Some random day

I'll make sure it's not significant
No holidays, no birthdays
No good news or changes
The day will be boring, promise

Just know I love you, my friends
You're what got me this far
I'm sorry I don't have fight left in me
My hands are too numb