Frozen Feelings

Again.

I can't even begin to explain what is going on in my head or my heart
All that I can tell you is on November 13th in 2022, my life fell apart
I'd had a hunch for a while that you weren't being faithful to me
When I decided to confront my feelings and you found out, you ridiculed me
My heart sunk as I sat there, could it really be this obvious?
I scrolled over two pages, and sure as shit, I saw tinder, bumble and hinge

I don't know what to say to you right now or how to even exist
I've gone numb to everything until a new wave of emotion hits
I just can not fucking believe that you put me through this pain
After your own past and hearing about my past, you did it to me again
I tried to get answers out of you, both on that very night and even now
Believing the answers you give... or any words you say is difficult right now

You never excuse what you did, but you try to find sources of your own pain
To claim that even though it won't fix it, that's a part of why you are to blame
I can't help but think of myself and my journey with my own past
How I never did that to you and how I gave you my heart regardless
It's hard to heal my trust issues when they keep getting proven right
You caused similar damage to me, though I would say it's worse this time

I can't focus on my schoolwork or get out of bed unless it's bare minimum
My heart is shattered and my head is stuck in its own continuum
I feel lost again in this world we call our own because nobody feels like home
I've always wanted love that frees your mind and your spirit
Each time I fall for it, I'm fooled by who a man is just the exterior
Of course, I have my doubts each time as I learn more and more
Just once, I want to believe that someone can be truly good at their core