Frozen Feelings

To Be Me

I've never had to be myself before
I just watch and listen to others
I understand what they expect of me
And I turn into what they need

To be completely honest
I don't know who I am
I've been the girl you go to
When you need a plan

If I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror
I don't see myself looking back
I see my mask that I hide behind
Because I couldn't be me

The times in life when I did want to be real
When I showed someone who I truly was
They got taken away from me in an instant
Each time left unspeakable pain on my doorstep

I'm refusing to let my past numb me this time
I think I'm finally ready to be myself
It's just so fucking difficult
Because it's easier to be someone else

I see how hard the road before me is
How many bumps, twists and turns there are
I've started the path down that road
But I haven't gotten very far

I've fallen into unhealthy habits
It's like the pain is what keeps me alive
I smoke and lose my mind sometimes
I know it's bad but I'm done trying

I've lost my knee, my intestines, and my heart
So forgive me for not being sober
When my mind is left to process on its own
I stare at the ceiling and the wall...over and over

I've sought out other men
Someone to hold me and to fuck
I tell them ahead of time
I won't be a girl to love

That part of me is gone right now
Any feelings from the heart
Mine were scorched until they turned black
Now my body craves a turn

That's what happens when you had to lay there
Despite not being in the mood
Despite being half asleep
Despite saying you don't want it unprotected

So part of the new me
Includes my body
No more letting men
Have their way with me

It's hard to find yourself
When you've always hated who you are
It's hard to love yourself
When you're reminded of those scars

I'm on the journey to be the real me
To everyone I know
When I finally do get there
My life might have some hope

In the meantime I'll try to stay on track
Do my homework and go to work
But today all I can do is nap
For I'm sick of being a corpse