Frozen Feelings

Me... minus a few shards

You remind me of the ocean
But in the worst of ways
It's like when the waves are crashing
Then they start to recede
Just when I think you're out of my mind
The tide brings you back
The cold water crashes over my feet

It's been over one year
Since I broke up with you
The day I finally caught you
The day when I truly felt heartbreak
I packed up all of your things
As my mind fell apart
My tears cascaded down my cheek
Right onto what used to be our floor

I was shaking from the pain
I was in disbelief
I read those texts
Over and over and over again
Allowing reality to sink in
You tried to text me from work
To say you wanted to work things out
You said you didn't want to give up on us
But you already did

When you came home
I tried to stay calm
You sat down and we talked
Once and for all
We both knew that day
I wasn't going to let you stay
You betrayed me
In the very worst way

It was the last time we were in a room together
The last time we ever kissed
"Nose, nose, kiss"
When you walked out that door
When you started the car
As you left what was our neighborhood
For the very last time

I went inside
Locked the door
Saw once again how empty it was
Then fell on the bed
On the floor
That was when I lost it all

That day is far behind us
I'm not that girl anymore
I made a promise to myself
January of 2022
To heal... once and for all

It's October, 2022
10 months after I promised myself
To be completely honest with you
I am completely healed from you
I knew it would take time
And yeah, it took forever
But I did a test tonight
To make sure I changed for the better

I looked through our old photos
All the videos I have of you
It didn't sting me this time
My mind didn't waiver
"What could it have been"

I didn't second guess myself
I didn't second guess what was
I actually smiled a little bit
When I realized
Because... finally...
That's not my life

What we had is part of my past
A memory my brain burned into the hard drive
You were my first love, Tyler
The one I thought would last through time

I'm never going to forget you
I'll never forget the moments we shared
But now, that's not a problem
It's not a reason I can't sleep at night
I didn't feel broken looking at them
I didn't feel like I'll never be enough
I felt happy that I made it out of that time
With enough heart to rebuild my life

And no, though I hate to admit it
What they say is true
Your first love
Never leaves you
I'll never trust anyone like that again
I'll never give my entire heart
That doesn't mean I won't give it, though
It just means it's missing some shards

One year ago
When I was all alone
I chose to starve
Was it because of my intestines?
No. But they did play a part

I was depressed
Filled with a black hole inside
The emptiness was all I knew
It was easier than thinking of you
I put on the show of my life
Masking each and every day
I make a damn good actress
Because the demons went away

I'm finally whole again
Even though my heart remains scarred
I'm living my own life
Doing my own things
God dammit
I'm finally me

After 21 years on this planet
I somehow survived
But the best part is
I'm actually me on the inside
I know who I am
I know what I'm worth
I know I'm not broken
Even if life hurts

So even though the waves still touch my feet
Even though the sand pulls beneath my toes
The memories that play with it in my head
Are ones from a real ghost
I'm not curious anymore
To understand how you did it
I don't care anymore
If Paige is the one you've committed
I don't doubt myself anymore
The way I did when I was yours
No, I'm relentless in who I am now
I sing my own chorus