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Mafia

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Mafia
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Author :: stillwithkook_

Reviewer :: hongsanii

First Impression :: 6/20

» Cover :: 3/10

While the black and white theme certainly does contribute to the dark theme of the book, the cover is just too plain, still. Now, that doesn’t mean your book must have graphics, edits and whatnot, but you could have put in more effort because the picture used does not give the vibe the book does. It feels as if Jimin is an idol. And if we talk about the technical aspects of the cover, the black background behind the title feels out of place, and it looks unnecessary.

» Title :: ⅖

The title contributes to the storyline, sure, but it’s a little too vague and bland given the fact that the story has far deeper plots than just the main character becoming a part of a Mafia family and moving on with them from then onwards. I’d go for something a little more specific; something that has a solid stance within the story.

» Blurb :: ⅕

I’m not sure if I can call it a blurb because it’s just a conversation between the main characters that gives away nothing except maybe the fact that the story is part comedy, which is far from what the plot truly portrays. A blurb’s main elements are a quote from the book. The briefest possible introduction of the character(s), the conflict, and what’s at stake. The only reason I spared 1 point here is because you did not just leave the book description area empty.

Beginning of a new start :: 7/10

The overall mundaneness of the first chapter did not prepare me for the whiplash I was about to get in the second one. There are quite a few grammatical errors throughout the chapters, as well as faulty sentence structures, and in some cases, a few info dumps here and there, but I’d say the story started pretty good. 

Concept and plot :: 18/25

The main character somehow joining a mafia family for revenge isn’t a new concept, but I’m loving how the plot is being executed so far. There are some queries though, mainly on some scenes that either feel too rushed or the events taking place in them feel… well, ridiculously fake.

The first being the scene where we find out that Soojin, Y/N’s sister, is in a coma after being found in their family apartment in a not-so-good situation. What I got from this part overall is that you either failed to mention some big injury on Soojin that could have led to her slipping into a coma, or you did not do enough research about the causes of coma, because from what has been revealed in the story, Soojin was in a bad condition when her sister found her but it was nothing like a head injury, a huge amount of blood loss, stroke or overdosing on drugs or alcohol, meaning it’s kinda impossible for her to just slip into a coma.

Next is Y/N’s accident. The scene where the truck hits her feels too rushed, and while I understand the vibe you were going for here, it still feels like you haven’t described it enough before leading up to the accident. Scenes like these require fast-paced actions and lots of suspense from the reader’s side, so they’re kept as short as possible while still being impactful. What you put down just felt like a jumble of words before the outcome was revealed, and I was left feeling like, “Oh, uh, okay. So that was an accident,” when I should be feeling like, “Did a truck just hit her?! Oh my god!”

What followed after this accident scene is the way Y/N woke up and the nurse’s reaction, and how Y/N wanted to escape the hospital to get her revenge. First of all, the nurse forced a patient to wake up from their unconsciousness to take their medicine? Y/N was practically hit by a truck, she was not in a deep sleep due to a fever. She should be waking up on her own and not because a nurse forced her awake. And the nurse should be calling a doctor or checking her vitals when she wakes up instead of getting her to take pills. 

Then comes the part where Y/N escapes the hospital while being in a bad condition because she wants revenge, and while leaving she comes across someone who later turns out to be Jimin. And when she goes back home, she’s fine just a day later, and she’s practically running around without showing any signs of fatigue. Now that I’m writing this down, I’m realizing just how absurd all of it sounds. I feel like all of this was just for comedic relief and for the sake of making Y/N meet Jimin.

I understand that this is fiction, but fiction must be realistic too, especially when it comes to things like health. Before you write about certain events, research what you do not know instead of putting down whatever. Even from a reader’s point of view, some of these scenes are just laughable, and not in a good way.

Characters and emotions :: 12/15

All the characters introduced so far seem to have a solid, three-dimensional personality, so good job on that. It might be just me though, but given Y/N’s situation, I feel like she trusts people too easily. Like the part where she gets into the car with Jin when he offers her a ride. That was sweet and all, but given her situation, she would have outright refused to take a lift from a stranger. I know I would. But well, this is fiction, anything is possible so I won’t talk much about it. The character dynamics are looking good so far, and you’ve described emotions very well where it’s required, and they were appropriately used too for the most part. Good job!

Tone and style :: 5/10

Most thrillers I’ve read so far use first-person POV to narrate the story because it helps add more suspense to the events taking place. You’re writing in a second-person POV that in this case, poses almost the same as first-person POV. Take advantage of this. This brings us back to the fact that some of your scenes are not developed well. Using the POV, you can add so many interesting scenes instead of unnecessary ones that don’t really take the story anywhere. Using second-person POV will help you describe things even better, so don’t hesitate. Describe your scenes as vividly as you can where it’s required.

Other than descriptions, I’ve noticed that there are a lot of empty spaces in between before something is revealed just for the sake of suspense. If you want readers to hold their breath in that anticipation, instead of putting a huge space before the suspense-causing factor, write in a way that builds up the suspense.

Grammar :: 8/20

I wouldn’t say the grammar is the best, but it’s not the worst either. The errors are not glaringly visible but they’re there, and since there are a lot, I’ll just list out the most frequent ones.

• misuse of commas and semicolons
• lack of periods or commas in dialogues before closing the quotation mark
• misused words
• comma splices
• wrong formats of ellipses
• spelling errors
• inappropriate colloquialism
• capitalization
• punctuating dialogues wrong

There are so much more, and at some point, they do become quite obvious. What I’d suggest for this is to start writing with Grammarly since it always points out all your grammatical errors.

Extra Note :: I hope the low marks do not dishearten you, and I hope I did my best to point out everything that needs work. Let me know if you have any questions :)

Total :: 56/100