The World Only has men [BL!] [Editing] [Hiatus]

58: Zhong Ai

For the first time in his life, Huan was having a real conversation with his daddy. It was a strange conversation where his daddy wrote words on his palm but it was a conversation nonetheless. Huan hugged a warm feeling of satisfaction in his heart as he concentrated on the words traced on his palm.

Huan had always known there was more to the reason as to why his daddy disliked him so much and now he was being told a story that broke his heart.
 
He is a child not born not by choice or even by accident but by force – he looked at his daddy’s cold face with sorrow and resignation, as he finally understood why he has never been given even a sliver of warmth from the man.

"Feng'er I don't hate you," Xiao Si wrote on Huan’s palm.

Huan was surprised and he looked up at his daddy with a question in his sad eyes. Xiao Si nodded and continued to write on Haun’s palm.

"I do not hate you but I don't love you either. You are a child born from the man who stole my love and my child from me and because of a brutal assault. I hated it when you were inside me and I was tempted to kill you many times but…” Xiao Si sighed before continuing to write, “I couldn't do it in the end. It was not your fault how you were conceived so I chose to give birth to you. But no matter how much I tell myself that you aren’t to blame, each time I look at you I'm reminded of how I was violated… how your father treated me… I can’t separate you from him so I can’t bring myself to love you. At the same time, I don’t want to hate you, so I push you away," Xiao Si's hands were trembling and he had to pause to wipe the tears that were tracing down his cheeks again.
 
He’s too tired now. He can’t hold everything inside anymore. Since there isn’t anything left to live for, it's best to tell Huan what he has kept in his heart for years and let the boy stop suffering and seeking his affection.

"You are a precious child, no matter how much I reject and ignore you. You stand by me without fail and I know that you have protected me even though you know it will anger that man. You don't deserve to be stuck in the middle between us. Even the name he gave to you! The day you were named I was furious." Huan could feel the aggression within Xiao Si's fingertips.

"He said he named you in memory of his lost friend but I know the truth. He was mocking him – boasting of his victory! I would never have gifted that name to you," Xiao Si wrote.

"You wanted to give me a name?" Huan eyes softened. Through the years he has lived, he has heard so many rumors about how heartless and cruel his daddy is but in truth; his daddy was only trying to remain strong in a terrible situation.

Huan felt anger grow in his heart.

"I couldn't give you just any random name and I wasn't sure I would be able to treat you as a daddy should but I wanted you to know I tried. I wanted to name you 'Ai'; that was to be your name."

"Feng Ai?" Huan asked.

"No, Zhong Ai."

Huan’s bruised heart softened even more and his eyes were now misty and clouded with tears.

(A/n: Feng means 'galloping horse' or 'Phoenix' and Huan means 'happy, pleased' so his original name would mean Phoenix of happiness, I honestly just started to put more consideration in naming them. As for 'Zhong' it means 'loyalty, devotion' and 'Ai' means 'love' so the name 'Zhong Ai' would mean 'loyalty, devotion and love' which I think describes him very well)

"Then that's my name, Zhong Ai! My name is, Zhong Ai!" Huan sobbed.

Xiao Si felt his heart easing a bit now that the boy knows this. For the first time since his birth, Xiao Si feels he can embrace Zhong Ai.

"Daddy…"

Huan made up his mind. He will reunite his Dage and his daddy! He said he would set his daddy free and that is exactly what he will do.

"Daddy, is there anything here that proves that the Minister is Dage’s father?"

Xiao Si nodded and went a particular place on the floor. He smashed a thin board and beneath that board was a hidden book that Xiao Si gave to Huan.

"This is something that Liang Huan prepared ahead of time," Xiao Si said.

Liang Huan was a person that had been trained to prepare for anything so he had left this journal behind just in case Xiao Si would need to pass it on to their Meng Yao.

Huan took the book along with the painting of the minister.

"Daddy, I promise that I'll make Dage understand. I'm sure that after he knows everything, he'll take back his words," Huan told Xiao Si.

Xiao Si didn't speak but he nodded once. Utterly exhausted, he curled up on the bench by the window, looked up at the dimming stars one last time, and went to sleep.
 
Edited by Relendria