Broken Trust | Jikook

06

Jimin's POV

It's been five days since our impromptu off day, and since they've been back to work, they have been swamped. Jungkook had loads of admin and back-to-back meetings, so I hardly ever saw him. I only see him in the morning when I need to wake him for work, and never see him at night because I'd be asleep by the time he gets home.

I've also been quite busy and I've been secretly working on launching my branch in the USA. Because I don't want anyone to know about it as it should be a surprise but it's much harder to keep everything secret.

Lately, I've been feeling sluggish too, which makes it harder to stay focused, but I persevere. Also, I work to keep my mind off the feelings in my body, trying to ignore the symptoms in my body that are very similar to pregnancy symptoms. Today I felt a bit woozy at work and opted to leave work to come home. I didn't inform Jungkook because I didn't want to worry him.

On my way home, I stopped at the pharmacy and picked up multiple pregnancy tests. I need to be sure of myself before I say anything to Jungkook. I feel a sharp pain in my abdomen. It's not unbearable, but it is quite uncomfortable. When I got home, I tried composing myself but couldn't because the excitement was creeping up on me. Is this it? Is this what I've been waiting for? I'm not sure and don't want to give myself false hope.

When I got to the bathroom, I set everything out, ready to receive the results. When I pulled my pants and underwear down, the tears immediately flowed from my eyes. I realized, staring at my stained underwear, that I had started my period.

The dam broke then and there. I was bawling so hard and didn't know what to do with this revelation. I'm not pregnant again... I'm not going to take a test knowing that I've started my period, which proves that I am not pregnant.

I have to let Jungkook know this. I pick up my phone with shaky hands and dial Jungkook's number...

Jungkook: "Hello my lo--- What's the matter..? Why are you crying? Jimin baby, are you okay? I'm on my way."

Jimin: "Kookie, It's negative again [hiccup]. Please forgive me."

Jungkook: "Jimin baby, that's okay, we can always keep trying. I'm coming home now. Please don't cry.. please "

Jimin hears Jungkook's voice crack when he says "please" for the second time, and it makes him bawl harder. Once again, he has proven how useless he is. so useless that he couldn't even give his loving, caring, and understanding husband a beautiful child.

Jimin: "We always try and try and try, but we never get the result we want. Kookie, you know, I was so sure of myself..."

Jungkook sits and listens to Jimin sobbing over the phone as he sobs with him. His husband is just so tired of receiving the same news, and honestly, he is too, but he could never blame Jimin for it. It's not his fault.

Jimin: "Kookie [gulps thickly], you know, I felt all those symptoms in my body. I swear, I was nauseous, fatigued, and craved lamb skewers. You know, I don't like lamb skewers that much, but at work these past few days I've been literally inhaling them. "

Jungkook tries to muffle his sobs as he hears how Jimin is trying to convince both himself and Jungkook. He feels bad that Jimin has become like this, mistaking everything his body goes through as a pregnancy symptom. It's like it's starting to affect him mentally. All Jungkook can do is comfort and support him, but who's going to do that for Jungkook?

Jungkook: "I hear you, baby. Could it be that you just started your period?"

Jimin: "Fuck you!"

Jungkook: "baby I--"

When Jungkook said that Jimin ended the call feeling hurt, Jungkook was questioning him, he knows about what goes on in his body. "Ahhhhhh!" screams Jimin as tears flow down his face because of the burning emotional pain in his chest. The feeling of insecurity is now turning into feelings of loathing and depression.

Jimin gets up from the bathroom floor he was seated on and walks to his closet, taking out a long-lost treasure he hasn't used in so long. His beautiful shiny silver blade.. he once again learnt that it's his one true companion. He walks back into the bathroom, standing by the basin as he brings the blade to his forearm. Taking a deep breath, he applies just enough pressure to create a long, beautiful cut that starts to slowly ooze blood. He looks at it as if he's in a trance.

Slowly, he creates more cuts on his pale and soft skin, shakily saying the reason for each cut out loud voice thick with tears, as if he's trying to justify his actions.

One cut for being a useless husband.

Another cut for being a dud.

Another cut for being unattractive.

Another cut for being a burden.

Another cut for being so emotionally weak.

One last cut for being a disappointment and a disgrace.

Jimin stands there, staring at the horribly bleeding wounds... Once he starts to feel light-headed, he decides to take a shower... He is just bawling as he watches the blood wash from his arms and down between his legs before he decides to dress the wound. He allows the alcohol disinfectant to run over the cuts, hissing at the burning sting.

He feels like he deserves this pain for always being incompetent.

Once he's done dressing his wounds, he gets dressed and decides to just sleep, having no motivation to really go on. 

- patrickthestarfish1