Surprising turn - a turn for the better? Or into madness ... (Draco Ff)

Chapter 29 ~ The burden of standing on the other side

Victoria's Pov.

How much longer would it take?
How will events develop?
If and how it would all end.
A storm raged inside me.
I could no longer think and no longer think clearly.
I didn't know what else was waiting for us.
Many questions and yet only half as many answers arose the longer I thought about it.
It wasn't good to think about the past and not be able to finish with it.
Everyone had done something in the past that they regret to this day.
Nor did it make much sense to think about the future.
The only thing in the world that you couldn't foresee.
No one knew what awaited them in the near or distant future.
Still, it drove me crazy.
so little to know
And especially not being able to change anything about it.
You can only change the future by working on the present.
In this way, events in the future can either be prevented or caused.
I often thought about all the terrible things I had done up until now.
Had to think about the many murders every day.
On the one hand it didn't bother me anymore, on the other hand I didn't want to be a henchman for the dark lord anymore.
Always having to dance to your tune and whim.
To jump when he asked for it.
Having to stick your own head when it was necessary.
I wore the dark mark on my forearm as it was required of me years ago.
I couldn't fight it.
I had to endure it.
Sometimes I'd wake up still drenched in sweat because I'd picture his disgusting form digging his long fingernails into my wrists until they bled.
I knew when all of this was over and I would have survived by then.
Would the dark lord kill all those he deemed useless.
Sooner or later, I'd have to pay with my life or serve my time in Azkaban.
On either side, things weren't looking too rosy for me.
I couldn't figure out why I was still doing all this.
Why I broke myself inside for nothing...
I looked down at my hands and stared at them for so long as if I thought I could undo all the cruel deeds I had done to them.
I balled them into fists and hit the cool stone wall next to me.
I snorted in amusement.
I had to laugh a little at myself when I realized that I was responsible for all of this myself.
I murdered all these people.
It made no difference whether I was forced and threatened or not.
It was done and I couldn't undo it.
I killed those people in cold blood in my right mind and eventually I will have to pay for it.
My feet carried me towards the astronomy tower by themselves.
I always liked going there.
I loved being so high up.
To be able to see all over the grounds of Hogwarts.
I slowly put one foot in front of the other and climbed the stairs that led upstairs.
Immediately a cool wind blew against me and caressed my hair.
I closed my eyes feeling completely normal for a moment.
Like a normal Hogwarts student who didn't have that burden to carry.
Sometimes I wished for nothing more than to be able to give up this burden.
When I opened my eyes again, I could make out the silhouette of the Ice Prince in the dim light.
He was leaning against the railing and didn't seem to have noticed me yet.
I slowly walked up to him and hugged him from behind.
I longed to touch him.
I saw goose bumps spread all over his body as I whispered softly in his ear.
He turned and looked down at me.
He took my face in his hands and kissed me.
It was only a short kiss, but I felt all these emotions and feelings that seemed to be raging inside him right now.
He grabbed my waist and pushed me against the railing.
He pulled me even closer to him until the gap between our lips was so small that nothing would have fit between us.
I felt his warm breath on my skin and chills ran down my spine.
He slowly leaned down to me until his lips met mine.
I kissed back immediately, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him even deeper into our kiss.
The fire between and burned stronger and stronger.
His tongue skillfully played around mine and so our kiss became more and more passionate.
Immersed in my feelings, I surrendered myself completely to him.
After a while his hands slid down to my thighs until he suddenly grabbed me, lifted me up and set me down on the railing.
As we broke away, breathing heavily, I looked into his eyes and hugged him.
He buried his face in my hair.
I knew it wasn't easy for him to show weakness to me, but I also knew that's exactly what he needed right now.
So I pushed aside everything else in my head to take away some of his pain.
I pulled away from him to look into his eyes.
I put my hand on his cheek and smiled lovingly at him.
"You know, this job has changed me.
I'm not the little Malfoy I was a few years ago.
I've learned to deal with it." Draco whispered.
I looked up a bit, straight into Draco's eyes.
He smiled slightly when I stroked his cheek.
"To deal with what?" I caught his lips and traced their contours.
He took my hand and kissed it.
"With the burden of being a Malfoy."