Seven

Chapter 74

SEVEN'S POV

The chilling night air hits me as soon as I step out of Lilianna's building. I step to the side of the door, leaning my back against the hard bricks and take a few deep breaths.

"Fuck!" My voice echos down the dark, empty street, my head falls back to smack against the wall in vexation. Eyes finding the warm glow of her apartment lights above me as I begin to second guess what I've just done.

Have I just fucked everything up? Should I have kept the information to myself? I wouldn't of been able to properly explain to her why I left without going into all of it. Maybe I should of just left her alone. I've been so fucking selfish about wanting her back in my life I hadn't really stopped to think about how this would all make Lilianna feel. I hadn't come to the conclusion that by telling her the truth she'd hate me more for it.

"Fucking hell." I groan and push myself off the wall. I meant what I said to her. She shouldn't be alone but I understand if she wants some time and if when she does eventually want some company that I wouldn't be her first choice. That doesn't change the fact that I wish I was.

I climb into my car, feeling like a failure. Seeing her in that pub with her friends I should have taken the hint. She didn't need this drama in her life, she didn't need me. Absentmindedly my fingers pinch at my bottom lip, musing over the memory of how her lips briefly pressed to mine in the bathroom stall. Perhaps she did need me.

Her confession that she had missed me too while we had been apart started stitching my insides back together with a golden thread of hope. She has missed me at least, that's something I can build on.

I just hope me telling her about her parents hasn't completely fucked this whole thing up. I need her to give me a second chance, she has to. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do if she doesn't. I clearly can't move on from her and I comprehensibly find it hard to stay away from the girl.

My mind muddles with what I'm going to do next when the impending itch begins to scratch at my being. My mind and body is being drawn by an invisible line to the metal tin I know is shoved in the glovebox. It's calling my name as if it knows I'm currently weak to its song.

My nails scratch at a small stain on the knee of my jeans as I try my best to ignore it. But it doesn't take long, soon the call turns into a silent scream and I'm reaching over and pulling the tin out of the cubby. It sits in the palm of my hand like a loaded grenade as I fight with my conscious to not pull the pin. I know I need to stop. I had promised I would be sober in return for the access to Lilianna.

Lilianna.

How is she going to react to this? If it turns out all odds are stacked in my favour and she decides against her better judgment that she even wants me in her life again how will she react to this? Or even worse, how am I going to tell her about what I've done? The drugs are a problem, but they seem minor in the fact that I've now attained other demons. I've killed someone. My own shame and guilt that I've been struggling with because of it will be nothing compared to how Lilianna will feel. Her opinion of me matters more than anything. I'm definitely not the same person I was when we were last together, and this revelation will cause her to never want to speak to me again. I just know it.

My hand grips the tin as I look up at the second floor windows, still luminous in the dark night. My priorities are fucked right now, the only thing I should be caring about is up there in that very apartment. My eyes look down to the tin of cocaine, realising this is nothing but another barrier between me and her. What I want is her, what I need is her and this substance has no place with her around.

I quickly hop out of the car and pace a few rushed steps around to the greenery of the park. Without another thought I launch the narcotics deep into the bushes where no one would find them, not even myself. I don't want that shit around her, and if I'm going to want to be around her I can't be on it. Not anymore. I need to think properly about my next plan, about Lily, about Victor, about my life. Cocaine has done nothing but melt my brain for the last four months. I needed that feeling back then, but I don't anymore. I need to be sober, properly sober. For Lily.