Seven

Chapter 76

SEVEN'S POV

With every beat of silence between us my heart sinks lower and lower. I don't know what I was expecting, I knew it was going to be bad but still I didn't know it was going to be like this. Lilianna hasn't said a single word to me. Instead those gold rimmed eyes stare at me in a silent judgement making me wish I could rewind it all back to moments ago when those plump lips were moving against mine and her body was begging for me to feel her again.

But she had to know. I needed to tell her before things got too far, before she could regret anything. Regret me.

I take a deep breath, feeling it get stuck in my chest as I inhale. The cold wind clings to the wetness in my eyes causing them to sting even more and I dig the heels of my palms into my sockets before dragging my hands down my cheeks, ridding myself of the escaped tears. I feel slightly embarrassed of the emotional reaction, I don't want her to see me cry. I can count the amount of times I've cried in my life on one hand, this will be one of those few times but fuck if this doesn't completely suck. I hope she didn't notice, I don't want her to feel obligated to pity me in some way just because I'm crying. I want to blame my uncontrollable emotions on the lack of cocaine my body is missing but honestly it's because I'm frightened. I'm scared the revelation of what I've done has ruined any chance of Lily being in my life and ultimately ruined her opinion of me.

I stare at the woman I'm so desperately in love with and terrified of losing as she looks back at me with an unfamiliarity that puts an ache in my chest. Silently Lilianna's eyes fall to her feet before she steps around me to retrieve her fathers diary she dropped while kissing me. I want her to say something, I wish she would say something. Anything. But she doesn't.

I sniff and quickly wipe my nose on the back of my hand, even though it is not running it feels congested a little from my few tears.

"Lily?" My voice is a little shaky as I move around to her and she looks at me again, her face guarded and unreadable.

"Do you... Do you hate me now?" I ask her. Lilianna frowns slightly and replies by shifting her eyes down to the diary in her hands, my stomach twists. I've lost her, I know I have and the realisation sets fresh tears welling in my eyes.

"Can you take me home?" She asks so quietly I would miss it if I weren't vigilantly awaiting and hoping for some communication from her. I wipe my eyes again and nod, not trusting my voice to reply.

Lily follows behind me, her quietude continuing to the walk to the car and on the drive back to her apartment. I catch a glimpse of myself in the view finder while driving and I've never looked worse. My eyes are red and puffy from my brief crying, the dark circles under them more prominent than ever from my lack of decent sleep. I look fucking awful on the outside and I feel just as worse inside.

When I reach Lilianna's street I slow the car down, trying to drag out these last moments with her. She unbuckles her seatbelt when the car stops outside and I close my eyes in defeat, waiting for the sound of her door opening and closing. She stays a moment longer then I expect and to my utter disbelief asks,

"Aren't you coming in?"

My head whips to look over at her in incredulity. Did she really ask me if I'm coming inside or did I imagine it?

"What?" I ask just in case my mind really is playing sick tricks on me.

Lilianna's brown eyes meet mine shyly, they flicker around my face but settle every other second on my eyes.

"Inside." She tips her head in a nod, gesturing to her apartment.

"I didn't think—" I begin but stop myself.