Part 42

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Ash's POV - 1 week later

Everywhere I look, I see him. This is the house he grew up in. His stuff is still strewn all around the room from when he stayed with me because neither of us was very good at keeping things clean or organized. And I don't have the strength to even move any of it, the pain overwhelming me in a room full of things that remind me of him.

The first few days after he left me, I couldn't leave the bed. I stayed there, curled up in a fetal position. I couldn't bring myself to eat anything. I would cry most of the time. I'd have thoughts about dying. I still have them. I think about leaving this world to join my mother often, now that the person I love most wants nothing to do with me. What is life worth if he's not here? What is my life worth without him to give meaning to it? All alone, I have nothing.

I slipped back into the habit of suffocating myself in my pillow, torturing myself with the lack of air until it was unbearable. Then I'd sob my heart out into one of Daemon's jackets he'd left in my room. I'd take in the scent of him that still lingered on it, remembering all the times he kissed me and told me how pretty I was. But those moments are gone from me now. So I mourn the loss of them through a process of self-destruction everyday, making myself even more miserable as I drown in my sorrows. Nothing makes me feel happy. Not candy, not my favorite shows, not even the treasured necklace he made for me on my birthday.

Then I went quiet. The heartache was too much and I went numb. I'd sit at the window for hours, almost paralyzed as I watched the street, imagining Daemon walking around the corner to take me back, to tell me he'd made a huge mistake and that he did love me, and would never, ever leave me again. My wolf whimpered and cried for the longest time, but eventually he went quiet, too. I couldn't hear him at all, only feel his aching sadness.

The sadness sits in my chest now as I sit on the steps of the house, staring at the place where he broke my heart. On the freaking sidewalk. He couldn't even be bothered to pick a nicer location. The sun is low on the horizon, giving me more reminders of that day. I sigh sadly, resting my chin on my knees.

Alpha Ferix was right. I'm just not fit for anyone to love me. I mean, even my own mate rejected me. So it must be true. It was too hard to love someone like me. I was a burden to Daemon, with all my trauma. It was too much. I wasn't loveable. I was clingy and annoying, insanely greedy for wanting him. He got tired of it. Anyone would have gotten tired of it.

I've always longed for things I could never have. Family. Love. Happiness. With Daemon, it felt like I had those things. It felt like he cared. When he held me, I felt warmth, affection. I saw desire when he looked at me. I thought I saw love, too. But I have a habit of being absolutely delusional and stupid, because my brain is so fucked up, so I might have made it all up. Might of tricked myself. 

Tristan has been coming around to check on me, so that's an odd surprise. He must feel bad that Lucien's gone and his best friend also ditched me. He was the one that forced me to eat after 5 days of starving myself. He shouted at me, asking if I wanted to die prematurely, and made me cry, but it did make me eat.

My friends have been treating me like a wounded puppy. I guess that's kind of what I am. They speak to me with soft voices, give me random gifts, and try be around me all the time. It got to the point where I told them that they needed to back off, give me some space. While I am grateful for them, I alone can grieve the loss of my mate. No one else can help me through it.

Right now is one of those times where I have space, completely alone. Tristan tries to order me to stay inside and keep the doors locked, but I don't listen. I don't know why he's being so overbearing.

I'm about to get up and head back inside to watch depressing movies when a car pulls up. I squint, peeking a blond head getting out of the car. Geez, what's Theo doing here now?

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