all grown up

this is gone

Judith's p.o.v
Koda was sleeping I went into the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror and then noticed how I looked now then since I got here I haven't seen a walker in at least a month I then heard barking I left and said "calm down" he wouldn't stop I sat down on the bed and grabbed him and tried to calm him down I looked out the window to hear moaning I then siad "shut up" I then grabbed his collar and put him in the bathroom and closed the door I then ran out of my room and down stairs and tried to find Carl but he was gone then I heard screams barking crying I bent down and took a deep breath and stood back up and looked all through the house nobody was here I went to my room and grabbed koda and ran back downstairs and out of the house I heard banging gunshots yelling crying and crows all of this is getting to much I can't handle losing anymore people I run to were I think carl might be but no sign of anybody I then see somebody I back up and run away and I hear them yell "JUDITH" I keep running my vision getting bluryer with tears I feel the urge to keep running forever but I can't run away from my problems I stop to take a breath I felt a hand on my shoulder I looked up and acedently let go of kodas leash he runs away I then push his hand off and run after koda once I cach him I'm about to pass out he touched me again and I siad "DO NOT TOUCH ME" he lifts his hand up and looks hurt I say "was it worth risking me and Carl's lives so you could pretend to be dead to get away from your own" I stop and take a breath and just start crying he pulled in a hug I pushed him away and siad "leave me alone" he backed away I siad " dose Carl know" he siad "Carl was in on it that's why he tried to fix things with you to he used to sneak away when you fell asleep and see me I told him about this place I told Dominik to break up with you" I ran away to try and find Dominik I ran and ran but nothing it felt like my mind is in a race against my own body my brain is winning I keep running thinking of what a walker looks like and how I know why I'm so messed up I grew up killing them I lost my mom because of me I *lost* my dad to them I need to get all my anger out I can't be trapped inside a wall only waiting to be eaten in my sleep I actually miss sleeping with one eye open I miss the smellnof the rotting flesh I can't even remember what they look like I miss outside I miss Dominik I miss mom I miss maagie and glenn I miss the car I am as the woods I miss everything thats not here its outside of here were you fight to stay alive I stop my thoughts when I run into carol I stop and say "I want out of here I need my gun and my backpack and a bag of dog food and 2 bowls" she siad "why" I siad " because you haven't exsperinced killing them once you stop killing them it messes with you all you can think about is I'm getting to comfortable this place Isn't going to last very much longer I don't want to be here when it dose" she nodded and called a group of men and handed me a backpack full of stuff I siad "thank you" she opend the gate before I left I siad "tell Carl I don't care that he went to all this work to bringing rick back and I still love him and tell Dominik that I still love him and tell rick go to hell".