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We got off immediately after she stopped us. I got towels to wrap around and then went to the pantry to get us hot chocolate.
Stepping to the deck with two hot chocolate mugs, my towel hung around my neck, I walked to her. Jisoo was settled on the edge of the deck, curling against her towel.
"Hey," I sat beside her giving her the mug.
"Hey..." she held the mug and smiled.
I took a sip and sat there waiting for her to start. I know what she was going to talk about and I wanted her to speak more than the almost kiss we were going to share. I want her to trust me and it mattered more than anything. "So..."
"Yeah... I'm a little embarrassed, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stop you, you know... There's a good explanation I want to tell you before anything happens between us." I shook my head, she doesn't need to be embarrassed.
"If you don't want to, you can-"
"Not that I don't want to, I really do, so please let me clarify..." I nod staring at her.
"You know when I was young when I used to live in an orphanage before joining Yg?" I nod, "I started getting nightmares. Every night. And I still have them when I try to sleep. I wake up panting and coughing around midnight with a headache. It got worse with time and nightmares got realistic." She keeps her mug aside.
I slipped my fingers through her hand. "Realistic you mean? What do you see in the nightmares Jagi?" I asked rubbing circles over her knuckles.
She sucked a breath and turned towards me, "Fire... Everything burning around me." Her expression turned into hurt.
"Do you see anything else?" I asked her softly.
"At first I used to hear myself call for my eomma and appa, but I never saw them in the nightmare heck I don't even know their faces. There were screams for the fire. Sometimes the nightmares get worse, not only them, I see the girls burning and screaming to save them." Lisa and the other two? Jisoo fists her left hand on the towel.
If she was watching them then what was she doing there?
"And I used to just always hide under a seat watching them burn in front of my eyes," her voice broke making my heart shatter into pieces.
"When I finally get the possibility to save them, the nightmare ends with an explosion and then I wake up breathing heavily," I could feel her eyes getting wet.
The hell.
"The night when Yg tried to burn our training base, I was awake. I got the smell of burning kerosene and immediately called out the girls to rescue removing most of the traces of our existence before leaving."
"The girls have been helping me to overcome this, staying awake for most of the nights ever since the orphanage days. Mostly Jennie was the one to go through with my medications and stuff, trying to find cures to stop them. I had various therapy sessions over the last 2 years for PTSD and nothing worked." She was about to break down.
"Jagi, you know I won't judge you if you cry. Crying is good for emptying your mind," I whisper wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
"I know, but it sucks to be a burden to them. It sucks that they have to go through this with me. It sucks that I can't even save them in my nightmares!" She bursts out crying burying her head in the crook of my neck. I immediately wrap my other hand around her.
She sobs and whispers, "I feel like I'm a burden to them which I want to stop. I get so furious about my nightmares that I buy pills to stay awake." Jisoo... You're not...
"You're not a burden to them Jagi. They love you and they care for you. And you know nightmares aren't real right?" I caress her back.
"I know," she mutters moving her head. "And I want the girls to be happy and to look after themselves too,"
"Jagi, you know they're doing this just because they love you because they're happy to see you happy, and they'll do that forever. You don't have to blame yourself for everything," I tell her placing a slight kiss on the crown of her head.
She hums and stays in my arms. I held her till she calmed herself.
The woman you are Kim Jisoo. A strong expression on your face, shielding the weakness from others. God, I'm so falling in love with you.
"That's one of the reasons I wanted to tell you before we got further..." She mutters in my skin.
"I know..." I answer moving her wet hair.
"You knew?" She lifts her head from my shoulder.
"I mean I knew you had sleeping issues..." She raises her eyebrow. "I saw the sleeping medications in your bag the day next to my birthday,"
She realizes and smiles, "Thanks for not judging me," she places her back on my shoulder.
"I would never judge you Jagi," she nods at my words and I continue to tub circle on her back.
"Well, from that... I wanted to tell you one more thing." She says shifting her position.
"And what's that?" I asked tilting my head.
"Remember, I fell asleep beside you on your birthday and the other day we got drunk?"
"Yeah," I smile.
"Well... Jennie says that this is a psychological sign that I'm more comfortable around you which makes me sleep avoiding the nightmares," she says making my heart flutter.
I smile and slip my hand on her neck, making her look at me. "I make you comfortable?"
"Yes..." Her face turns red. "And I know you might be angry that I stopped you from kissing me but I really wanted to tell you before you get yourself into this mess of my life,"
"Well, if that's the case. I'm the happiest man alive to get into your beautiful world Kim Jisoo and no one can stop me," I whisper kissing the tip of her nose.
She smiles and before she could speak, I slip my hands through her thighs and back, making her yelp and lifting her. "And I can wait forever for our first kiss, we'll take it slow for now, your sleep is more important."
She slaps my chest lightly, chuckling and I start to walk towards the stairs.
Maybe she still blames herself now but at least I can do is to make her overcome her nightmares. A kiss can wait till then.
*•*•*•*
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