Our Toxic Love

Chapter Thirty Eight

-Ariana's POV-

It's really ironic how every time Ethan and I kiss, we always end up fighting about it. Honestly, I really don't know what this fight is about exactly -- Ethan thinking I like Matt, the way I keep rejecting him, or the fact that he acts like my boyfriend when he really isn't.

I accidentally left my phone back in the bedroom and I really have nowhere else to go right now. I'm definitely not going back in there, I'd look really stupid if I do. The rooms here are too small to fit three people so I don't think it'd be a good idea if I stay at Danielle's tonight.

I make my way to the empty and dark restaurant. I switch on the lights and sit down on one of the tables, putting my face in my hands. I'm so mad at Ethan right now. I just don't get what he wants from me.

I hear footsteps approaching me. I turn around, slightly startled, and find Nathan.

"Hey," he says. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I lie.

I have a really huge headache actually.

"Then why are you in the restaurant at one a.m?"

"Why are you?"

He shrugs. "I was going for a late-night walk I guess."

"And I, uhm... I just needed a quiet place to... think."

"You're a horrible liar."

"Yeah..."

He sits next to me.

"Danielle told me you wanted to talk to me?" I remember.

"I do," he says, shifting uncomfortably.

"Go ahead then," I give him a nudge.

"I haven't stopped thinking about you since I saw you at that party," he says, wringing his fingers together nervously.

"I forgot what I told you but keep in mind I was drunk," I say, embarrassment building inside me. What did I even do that night?

"No, it's not that," he frowns. "I was actually worried about you, you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"You were drunk and you were acting all weird and I wanted to take you home or something but I lost you in the crowd and..." His voice falters.

"Well, uhm, thanks anyway," I try to smile.

Nathan's sweet, really. He's a great guy but I don't know how I feel about him now. I think back to our date. I liked him back then. I'm not sure if I know if I still do.

"I've been a real jerk to you for the past few weeks," he admits.

"Yeah, you were." I don't bother being subtle about this. "I mean, I needed your support, Nathan, but you weren't there for me even when you promised you would be."

"I know," he says quickly. "And I feel really guilty about that. I'm sorry."

"It's... fine. It's okay, I'm over it."

"Look... I don't know about you but I... uh... It's just that... there's this-"

"Okay, slow down. You might want to mentally put that sentence together first," I grin.

He beams back. "I like you."

My heart leaps.

"And I know I haven't proven it to you at all lately but I have since we first started talking."

I smile, really not knowing how to react to this.

I like Ethan and I'm sure of that. But I shouldn't and I don't to. It would be really wrong to use Nathan to forget about Ethan. At the same time, I really don't want to reject him.

"If you want... we can just give it a try?" He smiles awkwardly.

Do I really want to get myself into this right now?

"Uh, I..." I pause. When I see his smile begin to fade disappointedly, I can't stop the next word from escaping my mouth. "Sure!"

His eyes light up. "Really?"

No. But I nod anyway.

Jesus Christ, what've I done?

He leans in to kiss me but I turn quickly so that his lips press to my cheek instead. I can't handle anymore kisses tonight. He seems momentarily confused but recovers.

"So... are you gonna tell me the real reason you're here?" He asks.

"It's nothing," I say. "I'm just a little tired."

"I can see why you'd want to come here instead of going to sleep in your bed upstairs."

I shove his shoulder playfully. "It's nothing. I just had a small argument with Ethan."

He frowns. "Ethan?"

"Yeah, I'm rooming with him."

"You... oh, right. That's..." His voice trails away.

"Don't worry about it. I'm gonna switch rooms with someone tomorrow."

"Good," he says.

I lean into him and put my head on his shoulder. His cologn fills my nose and I close my eyes. Ethan smells more familiar and attractive but Nathan still smells good. I must be so tired to be comparing guy smells right now.

I finally give in to sleep.

-Ethan's POV-

I kick my closet as hard as I can. The thick wood cracks.

I shouldn't have let her leave. This is just like the night I drove away, making her walk to Danielle's house.

I run my fingers through my hair and try to think. I seriously don't know what's been happening to me lately.

I've never been like this. I've never felt all these random emotions inside me before Ariana showed up. I don't like them. How do I fucking get rid of them?

I'm no longer in denial. I'm completely convinced that I'm not just attracted to Ariana anymore. I think I might actually... like her. Do I? I don't know. How does it feel to like someone?

I really don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't want Ariana to be with anyone else but, at the same time, I don't want to be tied down to her. I don't want to feel dedicated to just one girl -- it's just not me.

Fuck, she's changing me.

Are there any beers here? I don't think so, no. I really need one right now. I need something -- anything. A distraction.

I open my closet and search through my clothes until I find what I want. I open the pack of cigarettes, my rapid fingers fumbling with the transparent wrapper. I take out a cigar and light it.

Okay. I feel less stressed right now. I'm fine, I'm fine.

I think of opening the window but there's a blizzard outside.

I lie down on my bed and continue to smoke until the box is empty and the room is filled with too much smoke. My eyelids begin to droop and I fall asleep.