billie
after almost two months summer was ready to come and pack up all of her belongings from our apartment. for the time building up to that, she made sure I knew she wants nothing to do with me.
I don't blame her.
I fucked up, beyond fucked up.
I have spent most days in the studio just writing and making music, it's the only way I know how to cope. whenever I feel myself about to break, I lock myself in the studio and fall asleep in the middle of writing.
only problem this time.. there is no summer to come in and get me to bed or to come in and make sure I eat.
I fucked up bad and I know it.
I do think katorah did the right thing.
she had the right intentions.
the whole internet knows about the break up, I don't know how and I don't care, the whole internet is dragging me but I honestly deserve it.
it just sucks that the second I have the intention to fix my act, the opportunity was ripped away from me. when I proposed, I had all the intentions of fixing myself but not even an hour into it, the proposal was called off.
a part of me is glad though, a part of me wanted to tell her about the things I've done but I wasn't ready knowing she wasn't going to stay.
I guess this way is good too because she doesn't have to marry me and my lies.
"shit fuck fuck" I cuss when I drop my drink on the keyboard, I quickly pick it up turning it upside down and use my shirt to wipe but it was no use, that shit is gone now.
"fucking hell" I mutter throwing the can of beer in the trash and the keyboard, I remove my shirt also throwing it aside. I've just been having the worst day, I swear.
"hold on" I shout when I hear a knock on the door, I run to get a random shirt and put it on before going to answer the door and there stands amariana.
"oh hi, come in" I say stepping aside, she hands me her key and makes her way to the room first while I sit on the couch waiting and my leg bouncing up and down.
I wait as she goes in and out with boxes full of clothes and belongings, "you shouldn't have to leave you know, this was your apartment, you should keep it" I say making her stop.
"I'm good, i don't want it" she shrugs going to out the box in her car.
"can you please sit and we can talk?" I ask her as she was walking past.
"what could we possibly have to talk about billie" she asks raising her eyebrow, my head twitches to the side with tics as I shrug.
"I don't know but there's a lot and I want to apologize to you, please sit" I ask her, she stares at me for a bit before sitting across me on the couch but keeps her mouth shout.
"summer, I am so-"
"I don't want your apology billie" she cuts me off, "there's nothing your apology could do for me right now and not ever" she shrugs, "but I guess I have questions and I want you to not lie to me for once, you owe me that" she says, I nod hitting my inner cheek.
"how many times did you cheat?" the question causes my neck to jerk into a painful tic, "fuck" I mutter holding my neck.
"can we-"
"answer the question billie" she cuts me off.
"I don't know" I mutter refusing to meet her eyes.
"you were completely sober while you were fucking those girls multiple times and come home to act all innocent and sweet to me" she spits out making me flinch at her tone.
"then you go ahead and propose with your sorry ass ring"
"amari-"
"it's summer to you" she says making me nod.
"summer. I had every intention to stop when I proposed, I proposed because I want to actually marry you and have a family with you, I've always known that and when I proposed I had every intention to fix myself" I say looking at her yet I refuse to meet her eyes.
"it doesn't work like that billie, the first time you cheated was the time you lost that privilege and you knew that, which is why you didn't tell me instead you proposed as an apology"
"god billie what would you do if I cheated, what if I was out there fucking every walking men and women like you were huh? what if I was disloyal like you are, putting all them niggas before you" she asks getting up to stand in front of me.
"what if I gave my pussy away like you were giving all those girls what was suppose to be mine, can you imagine me sitting and riding them like I did with you?" she asks making sure to lift my head to meet her eyes.
"billie you treated me like shit to cover up your bullshit, always talking about how I'm tripping and all the gaslighting, you've got me forgoting who I am and who I was" she says keeping her eyes on mine.
"if I came to you and told you I had a kid with some other nigga while I was with you, would you still be with me?" she asks, "answer me billie" she says gripping my jaw.
"no"
"then why did you expect that shit from me? you forgot who the fuck I am, out here thinking I'm your bitch to come back to once you're tired of your hoes" she says pushing my face back.
"I've got me so fucked up bro" she says taking her last box.
