Emperor of Mayhem

t h i r t y - t h r e e

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Sometimes I would feel too much all at once to the point of combusting, and other times I was so empty of life it would seem as though it was only a matter of hours before the wind of time would blow me away completely. 

I couldn't remember anything, so the doctor said. And he wasn't even a little bit wrong. I actually couldn't remember anything. 

All the memories I had made my entire life till now were actually gone with the tide. I had forgotten who I once was. 

The reality had felt like a blow that almost knocked what was left of life out of me, leaving me to wither away like the leaves in autumn.

This wasn't simply me forgetting where I left something a couple of minutes ago. This was having completely no inkling of who I was exactly as a person existing through life for over a decade and a half.

Retrograde Amnesia.

What in the world did that even mean and why did it have to be me? How did I end up in an accident and why did I have to lose my memory? What happened to breaking a leg or hand and recovering after a couple of weeks? Why did it have to go as far as taking every memory I had? Every littlest bit of the life I lived since I was born was gone, just like that. In a twinkle of an eye. It disappeared. Like it was never there.

It was like I never even existed.

I had searched my head and explored my thoughts for answers to the point of blacking out from a migraine. Yet I got nothing. Images in my head were fuzzy, shadows lurking in every corner of my mind so much so that the deeper I went on exploring my thoughts for answers, the more it felt like I was endlessly swimming in an ocean of darkness. 

But yet, I needed answers. Answers to the question of who I really was, what my purpose and plan was right before the unfortunate incident. What kind of person I was. What were the littlest of things that made me happy the most or sad the most? What got me excited or caused me to brood the most? All these questions yet I got nothing but a black space in my head. And no matter how hard I tried to give colours to the hazy images, I just could never do it. 

And the worst thing was not being able to explain to someone how much it was hurting and what exactly I was feeling. I couldn't even make myself understand how I felt. All I knew was that my head was empty, and there was this churning void in my chest. An emptiness that I would give up anything just to make sure it wasn't there anymore. I felt defeated, helpless and desolate. Even my thoughts were dissociative. 

Everything was just a big canvas of nothingness. Absolutely nothing.

It was a terrible feeling to wake up from a long sleep only to find out that you almost never existed. That all of a sudden, you couldn't tell who you are. You didn't even remember your own name.

How could I have lived for eighteen years only to forget everything? I must have had many moments. I must have felt pain and sorrow. I must have experienced happiness and all the good things of life at some point. I must have fallen in love once...or perhaps twice. My heart told me so. And I must have set future goals. I must have been broken before and learning how to heal. I must have made mistakes and tried to learn so it would never happen again. I must have had people that I cherished and promised to always stay beside. I must have had enemies I wanted to avoid at all cost. All these must have had ironically unforgettable memories attached to them. I must have desired to treasure those memories till the day I died. But now all that is gone. One disaster and everything was snatched away from me like they didn't matter. 

I had lost everything.

I had lost myself and my existence.

Everything was suddenly grey...Or maybe not everything per se.