Emperor of Mayhem

s e v e n t y - o n e

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LOSE CONTROL
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All of a sudden, the once hazy images started to take a perfect form, blurry thoughts morphed into a crystal clear picture, and fragmented ones became whole.

And I compared it to the first time I woke up from a coma. There had been this gaping void in my chest, emptiness in my head that even my thoughts seemed to be broken in chains, the passing wind threatening to disperse them completely.

I remembered how in those tortuous moments, I desperately wanted to hold on to something; a single memory, a flashing image, a quick thought. And I remembered passing out many times because there was always this hazy picture dancing in my mind and I would be trying to paint a story into it, putting pressure on my brain.

I remembered how desperately I wanted to know who I was then, because living without memories felt like I wasn't existing at all. I felt hopeless and useless. Like I was wasting away. And I remembered how I was driven to near madness because of that. 

But now, right now, my mind was suddenly filled with things I had once forgotten, my head bombarded with pictures and stories I couldn't begin to comprehend everything. 

It was too much.

I felt too much. 

And I wasn't sure how to take that. But I knew I wasn't exactly over the moon about it. Maybe because at a point I had started to adjust to my new life. Maybe because it wasn't so long ago I gave up on remembering and decided to make new memories instead. I was ready to shut off the past, because something told me the past held too many misfortunes I would rather want to forget.

But now I remembered everything. In fact, I remembered a little bit too much.

I remembered my very first encounter with an accident when I was five. I was playing in our yard the day before Christmas. I could still remember how excited I was just thinking about how I would finally be able to wear the pretty Christmas themed dress mom had got me a month prior to Christmas. I didn't know whatever stupid game I was playing. I couldn't remember. Maybe I was playing hide and seek with my imaginary friend I didn't know. I just remembered that my eyes were closed and I ended up tripping over one thing and my face falling into another. And before I knew it, my lower lip had busted with blood oozing out like a river, soaking into the artificial carpet grass. 

It was like a horror film.

I remembered how hard I cried, not just for the pain that was seemingly unbearable, but also because the next day was Christmas. Mom, granny and our neighbor were going to cook lots of meals in our kitchen together. And I had overheard their plans to make special meals, even going as far as adding international cuisines. Then I was a girl who loved food a lot. So I felt betrayed by the spirit of Christmas. Of all the days there could be special meals, it just had to be when I was in such an unfortunate state.

I remembered crying still even when the pain began to dull because I believed the little beauty I managed to acquire had been tainted. I was just a child, believing so much in physical beauty I thought of what use was a girl with scarred lips and dark skin?

I was so sure the scar would never heal. But as time went on, skin grew over it, blended until what was left was just the memory. I still remembered even without the scar to back up the story. And that was the first memory that shot in when they began to unchain.

I remembered a lot of other things. Like how I used to sneak out through my window while mom was asleep because I was tired of being a prisoner in my own home.