Emperor of Mayhem

92

CRAVING THE DARK

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After so much grief, a bucketful of tears shed in every dark corner of the room. After so much anger, regret, frustration, and self-loathing, thinking I had lost the one thing of light that I could touch when the darkness would start pirouetting in my head, here I was, in our garden of gloomy flowers, about five feet apart from him.

Though a little duller, his blue eyes still had the same brightness I thought I would never see again. With his dark hair in that messy frizzle whenever he failed to use conditioner, the corner of his lips tried to lift in a failed half-smile which brought out a lone tear from his eyes instead of blooming into a full smile. 

I had known Shiro Gusev for more than a year. I had since his anger which though never really lasted. I had seen him grumpy even though the smile would return to his eyes as quickly as it had left. But never had I seen his eyes water in sadness, nor had I seen the tears fall.

I stood rooted to the spot, conflicted on whether to cover this distance between us or remain where I was. But I knew for sure that if he started crying, I would cry too.

"Hi." He said through a struggling grin, and another lone tear slid down the same eye, "I-um, you called for me."

Every bone and nerve in me wanted me to cover the distance between us. 

I wanted to welcome him back. 

But at the expense of what? When did I become such a selfish woman? He almost died because I lured him into this dangerous world of mine. By miracle or maybe his mother's prayers, he survived. Do I want to be selfish enough and drag him right back into the place that almost ended him?

Was I this greedy? Craving the darkness yet wanting to make friends with the light? Asking for death yet I want to stay alive? 

Heaven gave him a second chance at life. Why was I so desperate to snatch it away from him again?

"I'm not a ghost, Azania." His gentle voice pulled me out of the hopeless thought I was battling with, "I am not dead, well I was but I came back?" He was still struggling to grin but he seemed too sad to even fake a smile.

I took a step forward, and from the corner of my eye, I suddenly caught a shadow of Mikhail appearing on the side. He strolled a few feet toward us and then stopped by a flower bush. 

My head lifted to acknowledge his presence and my eyes clashed instantly with his. His facial expression didn't give off much. But he didn't have to open his mouth to say anything. I had lived with him enough to be able to read certain things through his eyes. And right now, he was asking if I was okay. 

I nodded. 

A warm, reassuring smile crept lazily up his lips, breathing life into my tightening lungs, giving me a push to cross the fucking line.

Looking back at Shiro, I saw that he had lifted a hand to wipe his tears and the smile on his face now, had more life than the first one he showed me earlier.

1 2 3 4, and I crossed the distance between us. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of him. With my heels, he wasn't taller than me anymore. And if he was, it wasn't more than an inch or two.