Chaos

Cycle of Suffering

"What will you do now?" Azrail asked. He helped me shrug on a coat over the clothes I recovered from my luggage.

I realised it was his coat, seeing that there was no other for himself other than Juliet's. She'd finished repairing the demonic field and dressed to wait in the car. 

Juliet had remained silent and calm throughout my panicked orders, leaving wordlessly and closing the door behind her.

The coat was baggy on me, so I didn't understand why he gave it to me; it was not as if I could feel cold. At the very least, I was reminded how I needed to wear clothing suitable for combat. A black halter and some tights weren't going to cut it. My only shoes were black sporting sneakers; while they were well made, they wouldn't be suitable for combat; I needed boots.

"First in order is to buy some clothes." I threw his coat back at him, and he caught it, following close after me. 

The scent of blood still permeated the air just outside my original room. The smell drew me back to the witch's voice.

 I felt a shiver go down my body. Fear

 That horrible, disgusting fear skewered my sense of logic, I couldn't afford it right now.

I hated it; every minute I was afraid, Lucille could be dying- even so, those loud and damning thoughts rushed back to me, as they had before, flooding my brain with dread.

I can't lose her.

"Chaos?" Azrail stopped in front of me, gazing at my face. His typical commanding tone shocked me from the voices, which irritated me as usual. Don't say that name, I hate it. 

I snapped back into reality. "Get someone to clean that room already. I'm not heading home yet either, so go ahead without me-"

"I can't do that", he interrupted. His voice was still demanding but desperate. I hate being interrupted too.

"You have to anyways; you should've just sent Juliet or Judith to see me." 

We stopped, standing idly inside the lobby beside the sliding exit doors, waiting for Juliet to arrive with the car.

"I can't leave you alone" he bowed his head as he spoke to me. 

Throughout this conversation, I avoided his eyes; I felt... embarrassed. I didn't usually care what he thought, much-less others. But if I feel weak and frail, then I can only expect that other people must see me that way too. That must never be who I am, those things kept me from protecting myself and those I love. If those I love come to suffer because I am weak, then I must get stronger or die.

"I'm fine, it's none of your business anyways, just leave-"

"I can't," Azrail spoke in a low and vulnerable tone.

Against my better judgement, I peered at him from the corner of my eye.

What a pitiful bunch we are... mourning and fretting over our loved ones while still trying to be the strongest. Guess that's the family secret, the pain that stems from finding love. And we must bare the burden of strength and invaluable weakness; that became the fate of my elders.

That thought had started to blossom, but I shouldn't dwell on that now. I have to protect something first.

Juliet came around with the car; Azrail went ahead and opened my door, entering soon after I did. I had given up trying to persuade Azrail to leave me, but he still posed an obstacle to my plan. If he's as clingy and overprotective as he is now, it will be difficult to pass a plan that places me in danger of being killed. So, my only choice is to trick him.

But Azrail is clever, if not wiser, with age and experience.

"What would you do?" I muttered miserably. 

It almost hurt to ask for advice from him; it meant I was admitting my incompetence. I expected to feel judgement or something of pity from him, but when I braved a glance in his direction, all I could see was his thoughtful gaze. Was he genuinely pondering my question or wondering how he spawned such a useless daughter?

I waited for his response, but nothing came of waiting until I had returned from several shopping trips. At this point, I had something like 'armour', and now I just needed to pick up the weapons- I left them in Lucille's pack's care (I really should remember their name). However, I can't seek their aid thoughtlessly; it must be coordinated.

"I'm sorry, I can't be of any help to you; every plan seems to place you in danger if the means are to save your mate", Azrail continued to ponder despite saying so. He probably was on the same wavelength and knew as much, so he didn't put his ideas forward.

I remained silent, crossing my legs and arms as I aimlessly turned my gaze out the window...

I kept thinking and thinking...

If I were a cleverly foolish witch, what would I do...?

What do I have that can be a threat to her? I have to be able to protect everything I've obtained during my freedom, or she wins- even Lucille's native pack. I have to be able to set things up in at least two days as well. It's easy for Primrose to allocate her forces with magic, but I-

Wait, no.

I snatched my phone from my pocket and dialled the number before I realised what thought had begun to hatch in my head. 

The phone had started ringing, but my thoughts were elsewhere.

If I have their help and hers... then-

But, Chaos, asking for help? Are you so inept and useless that you can't think of anything better?

The dial clicked, signifying that the receiver had picked up the call: "Chaos?"

That damn name again, I'm not a project; I'm alive, aren't I? If weren't, she'd be here with me. 

B-but, Lucille, I could lose her. I could be alone again, all alone and dying. I c-can't... not her. 

I feel sick, and it's almost funny. 

"Pull ov-over..." My head is swimming. Something was really different about me, I felt that sick knot in my stomach. Am I going to mutate again?

I had the advantage, no matter how you looked at it. Though it meant admitting I would never be strong enough on my own- I was born weak. 

The car stopped, and I jumped out, stumbling on my feet. Why isn't there enough air outside?

I don't have time to think about this. 

It's so simple; why is that so hard? Keep using people as you always have... 

Yes, it's just like that.

"Chaos?" Azrail stepped out of the car after me, walking around the back to reach me. I was standing on the edge of a barrage of trees, just pacing in delirium. 

"Hello? Is anyone there?" The receiver asked. 

Chaos, you pathetic manipulator. 

I was sick with myself, but it was also funny that I had fretted over something simple. 

"Are you okay, Cha-" 

I held my hand up to silence the worried, ancient vampire.

I drew a finger to my lips.

"Shhh..." I gestured. This is the first I've felt this way; it felt so liberating. I only wish it had come to me sooner; Is this what they call hysteria? Am I going to collapse again?

I lifted the phone to my head again, almost breathless as the crushing anxiety left me. 

"Ms Marma, I have use for you..."

If I wanted something, I had to steal it with my own hands; it never mattered who I needed to use to get there. I thought I'd dashed all aspects of human feelings, but fear, worry and anxiety were always with me. Things are so simple when you spell them out, but executing them... 

I'd forgotten how great I was at executions.