Keep me closer

Chapter 30

(Wednesday)

(TW: mention of suicide & Self Harm/SH)

-Billie's POV-

"That's the one" I say, going back to drawing in my journal. "Mom come listen to this" finneas says and after a minute, mom is standing at the door frame.

Finneas starts playing 'listen before I go' and I write lyrics for one of our other songs. "Billie, Are you seriously implying that you'd jump off the roof ?" Mom says softly, looking at me concerned.

I nod my head yes, bitting my lip. "Do you feel OK about a song like that ?" Mom says and I feel my chest get heavy, putting my pencil down.

"I feel like it's something I wanna have said" I say, starting to fidget with my pencil. "This song is the reason I don't, like having this way of saying it instead of doing it is better" i say and after a few seconds mom walks away.

I sigh, curling up on Finneas's bed, continuing to draw in my journal. I just wanna die.

(Few hours later)

"Ok put the audio clips there, there, there, and there" I say, pointing to where I want the audio clips from the office in the song.

I watch finneas put them in and record the background beats. "Billie, Zoe's here" i run out of Finneas's room and crash into Zoe.

"Whoa, you have to slow down baby" Zoe says, hugging me. I smile as she pulls away, making me grab her hand and try to drag her to my room "finneas let's stop for today" i yell, finally getting Zoe to my room.

I open the door, get on my bed and Zoe's closes the door behind her. "You in the bed now" i say, and Zoe gets in the bed.

"Cuddles" I say, grabbing my teddy, blanket, pacifier, and then I lay in my bed. I put my pasi in my mouth and Zoe lays down.

I cuddle into Zoe's chest, cooing a little from behind my pasi. "Oh your so cute" Zoe says, kissing my nose, making me giggle, as I rub my eyes.

"Oh looks like your getting sleepy" Zoe says in a teasing way, making me whine. "Ok ok, I'm sorry, go to sleep lovey" Zoe says, rubbing my back.

My close as Zoe holds me close and not soon after I fall asleep.

(Time Skip: night time)

Tears running down my face as i hold the blade in my hand. JUST DO IT ALREADY YOU FUCKING WHORE. YOU DESERVED EVERY BAD THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU.

My head repeatedly tells me to do it as I slice my left arm, leaving well over 30 cuts up and down my arm.
That's right you little fucking bitch, you deserved all of that.

Tears now fogging up my vision, the feel of blood running down my arm as I aimlessly reach for the towel I left in the sink.

Once I finally felt it, I grab it and wrap it around my arm. Why can't my suffering just stop.

(A few hours later)

Zoe picks me up and I cuddle into her, suckling my binky. "Your so cute baby" Zoe says, rubbing back, as I started falling asleep.

Zoe lays down In my bed, my eyes starting to close as my sleepiness was taking over my body. "Go to sleep baby, I'm right here"

I fall asleep, smiling, cuddled into Zoe, knowing that I have Zoe with me.

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