dikekang nestapa

the concept of death

it was 2009, i was six that time.
i haven’t understand the concept of death,
the one who is gone and the one who get left behind,
i was a clueless little kid who’s wonder
why my loved one was crying so hard
while surrounded my grandma’s lifeless body,
but in the mind of six years old kid who’s still know nothing;
she is just sleeping and she will soon wake up
and playing with me again, but in fact, she didn’t.
my lovely grandma has that tiny little mole in her forehead,
when i was a child i keep touching and playing with it
in order to get some comfort or when i want to get her attention.
so i did it again that day, but the difference is she didn’t wake up,
even how many times i touch it, she never wake up again,
i was clueless, and no one even bother to explained what happened to her.
i was just sit in my mother’s lap wondering, wondering and wondering.
even until i saw her body get buried and saw them leaving one by one,
i still haven’t get the explanation i wish I get
and just like that, they told me to keep living without her presence,
the only explanation i got is that everyone will get there someday;
dead and will be getting burried.
and as six years old child who has not know the concept of death yet,
i tried to understand.

and then i was ten when i had to say goodbye to my dear Opa,
that time, i already knew the concept of death, my teacher teach me about that,
that time, i began to crying, the painful feelings i felt in my heart left the deepest cut,
i began to understand the concept of the one who’s gone and get left behind,
and also learn how to grief even though I didn’t fully understand the concept,
one thing i learn about my Opa’s funeral is; it is indeed scary losing your loved ones.

and i was seventeen when my Granpa’s dead too
and i already fully understand the concept of death
that someday we will get there too, no one can escape
i already acknowledge that we won’t have much time here,
we will get back, to place they said we supposed to belong,
but though i already know the concept of death i don’t feel familiar by it
death will always comes in most unexpected ways when no one can even prepare to greet it
death will take our loved ones and left us with awful confusion
and then told us to live by that suffocating feelings,
that’s how I learn when my another loved ones get taken away from me again,
i thought i was going to cry until my head hurts, but didn’t,
and that is the horrible way to grief over someone;
emptiness, anger, sadness, and loneliness all comes to suffocate me.
it feels like a big monster comes and forcedly drowning me and i don’t have much power to defense myself, terrible isn’t?

i now will turn twenty in two days
i learn everything about death and alive
the ones who is leaving and get left by
all those suffocating feelings, anger, confusion, sadness, i taste them all,
but even i attend another funeral, seeing my loved one left one by one,
i still can’t get myself familiar with it,
but instead, i saw fear crawling through my mind and soul,
forcing me to open my eyes that i will never get myself to be familiar by death,
because one thing I’m still afraid to admit that;
I’m scared that everyone will left me, trapped me in dangerous feelings named grief.
and that I’m indeed a loser who refused to saying good bye or facing another loss.

(the concept of death)

I posted it in my medium too, you can check it out, i already put the link on my bio. I wrote this almost 4 am. Well yeah, i hope you enjoy and stay safe wherever you are, readers.