Woman in a man's world

23/8 2020 - London UK

I miss you Norah, I miss you all the time I can't be with you. I know you are living your life right now and I'm happy for you, that is the only thing I'm happy about right now. I don't care, I don't care about anything. Nothing. It hurts so much inside, a constant pain in my stomach, my head, my throat. My whole body. I can't, I can't do it anymore. I don't know how you do it, how can you be so strong? And I'm so weak. I can't fight this anymore, they're taking over. I don't know what but something is taking over, I forget things, i don't know who i am. Who am i? Help me, what do I do? How do I do it? I can't get out, there is no way out. I'm hiding, always hiding, no one can know.

There is no need to help me, it's too late. It's okay Norah. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault. I won't be with you but I can't stay here, not with them, not here. I need to go. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I love you Norah, more than you know. I'll always love you and I'll watch you race every weekend from a better place. I don't know where, but it has to be better than it is here.

Goodbye, Matt

"What do you mean you haven't heard from him? Not at all?!" Norah was pacing through her apartment, the letter from her brother in her hands and phone to her ear.

"No he has been really quiet this whole year, i didn't know what to do about it." Scott answered on the other side of the line.

"My god i just can't understand you sometimes." Norah ended the call, went out of her apartment and ran over to her brothers. Her mind racing with thoughts, the letter was clear, atleast to her. Her brother was gone, gone forever. She just hoped that she was wrong.

"999, what is your emergency" the phone spoke out.

"Holland park road, apartment 10, my brother is not waking up." Norah answered with a weak shaking voice, tears streaming down her face.

"Can you describe the situation, what happened? do you know?"

"I think he took his life, I don't know just get here please. He is cold" Her voice weak.

"Norah!!" The voice of her best friend, she would recognize it anywhere. She turned around to see Lando running to her. She hugged her friend tightly, letting her emotions through.

"Norah.." Lando whispered to her. He let go of her partly and she looked at him, his eyes locked behind her. She turned back to the apartment, two of the ambulance staff rolling out a stretcher, a white fabric over it but he was definitely under there. The fabric shaping a body that was his.

"He overdosed Norah. I'm so sorry" Lando said, coming back from the ambulance. She again hugged her friend tightly. Thoughts all over her brain, between all of the devastation, sadness, depression there was a minimal feeling of relief. If he overdosed, there is a small, really small chance that it was a mistake. Perhaps that little part of relief was really just denial. Her brother, the one person that knew everything about her, the one person she would tell everything that happened in her life. Every win, every loss, everytime Norah argued with her father Matt was always by her side. Every time they would go for a ride, just the two of them and two horses and the woods. That one time Matt tried karting and they raced each other, Matt crashed so many times that Norah wasn't able to drive because she was laughing so much. Every summer night when they sneaked out and walked over to the stable and spent time with the new foals on the big summer fields. How Matt taught Norah how to play guitar, she still plays with her friends. The day Charles broke up with Norah The siblings spoke for hours and hours. Last year when Matt came to Abu Dhabi, he looked so at peace back then, perhaps it was all a facade to not show how he felt inside. But maybe the majority of these memories, Matt was truly happy.

"He is gone dad"

"What where? Where did he go?"

"He overdosed, he is gone" The line was quiet, Norah looked at Lando who was driving, and the pair were on their way to the hospital.

"Where are you?"

"Me and Lando are driving after the ambulance to the hospital now, we should be there in ten minutes"

"We're on our way" The call ended and Norah closed her eyes for a second, took a deep breath. Trying to get a hold of her feelings.

The next 12 hours Norah spent in the hospital. Mostly crying, trying to get a hold of the situation. Her family was by her side, they arranged everything for Matt's funeral.

Waking up Tuesday morning, she went in and out of sleep the whole night. Empty, she got out of her bed, trying to make herself presentable for today. Her and the team would fly to Belgium, race on Sunday. She got ready and she got a call from her trainer, she asked him to go inside. They met by the door and she gave him a small note, "My brother died this Sunday, please respect that. You can tell everyone that but keep it on a low. Pretend you don't know" She got her things while he read the note, his concerned eyes met her tired ones. They didn't say anything, just went to the van where everybody else was. She got into the car, not saying anything she put her headphones in and got into her zone. Her trainer told everybody in the car on their way when Norah wasn't listening. Her phone buzzed.

I'm sorry Norah, if you want me to tell anybody else just say so :)

Thank you George. Just if it would come up, Lando already know <3

Alrighty, and I'm here if you need to talk.

Thank you.

Norah stayed in her zone, and didn't really talk to anybody for the whole day. She stayed in her hotel room for the whole evening until she heard a knock on her door. She walked slowly and opened the door a bit. George was on the other side with a smile. She smiled back, for the first time in almost a week. George held two food boxes and a plastic bag.

"Dinner?" He asked carefully. Norah Nodded and let him into her room. They walked over to the balcony and George set up everything for them.

"We don't have to talk, okay, you decide" George said opening the boxes with food. The pair sat in silence, enjoying their food and looking over the beautiful mountains.

"I'm so tired" Norah managed to get out after a while.

"I get that and rightfully so."

"I can't sleep, I just roll from one side to the other and watch the hours go by. I just want to sleep, that is all I want right now." Norah let out a small laugh. George laughed with her.

"It will get better, I promise you. And you are so strong, you'll get through this. You may not have him anymore but you have all of us, that new boy you've met. Don't you have another brother on Laura's side. It may not replace him but I know we all will be by your side."

"Thank you so much George, it means a lot." The pair finished dinner and George left Norah with a big hug and also a few snacks from his shopping round before. Norah felt better, she called home to her mom Anna in Sweden, to Laura in England, to Olivier her step brother in Italy and lastly she sent a message to Josh. The guy she has been talking to for a few weeks, he is currently in USA so if she called now she would wake him up.