Smile

19

August 23rd

When I lived alone I had the privilege of never having to think about anyone else. I didn't have to pretend or care or even eat if I didn't feel like it. Now, with Moonie here, I have to do all of those things. I eat so I don't forget to make sure she does, I care about her more than I care about anything else, and I pretend I'm not falling in love with her.

No. I pretend that I'm not already in love with her. Or maybe I'm not pretending. How would I know? I've never been in love. I've never loved anyone other than my sister and I haven't been able to love her in a long time. I couldn't even compare what I feel for Moonie to the way I used to love my sister tho could I?

I loved my sister because she was beautiful in every way. I admired her from the tiniest black strand of hair on her head to her deep red painted toes. She was sweet to me and I knew she cared about me more genuinely than anybody could care. She was wild and outgoing, unlike me, and always kind. She never forgot how to be kind. Not even when her kindness was clawed from her grip, she didn't forget what it felt like. The feeling was ingrained in her beautiful brain and I wanted to be just like her.

Kind.

And now that I sit on this cold floor, shirtless, covered in paint, and a cigarette between my lips, I think I know why acting so 'good' to Moonie didn't feel like an act and more like who I was meant to be. I had seen my sister be the same way before so I knew how to act the part. It was already familiar and it felt so good I could understand why she was that way all of the time.

But, no matter how hard I tried, I knew it was only temporary. I'm not inherently kind or outgoing or sweet or amazing from head to toe. I'm a dickhead artist with a body count of a hundred and a streak for treating women like nothing.

Now I everything I could've been known for is gone. Not a bad thing because I'm a fucking asshole but art was all I had and now I can't do that. Instead, I'm sitting on the floor having cringe fucking thoughts and wallowing about not being able to paint anything more beautiful than Moonie.

My eyes widened as a bright lightbulb lit up my entire mind.

What if I paint Moonie...just without knowing it's her.

I can paint with all of the same feelings I have harbored for Moonie but paint somebody else! She won't be as beautiful, unfortunately, but it'll be better than nothing. I could maybe even get away with just painting Moonie from the back. Show off her long hair maybe.

"Kai. You fucking genius."

...
I'm exhausted. After I spent three hours sketching out the bases for three paintings, I only slept for two hours. Now  I'm in Target attempting to buy some clothes for Moonie because I can't keep letting her walk around in my baggy clothes all day. I'm also taking her to the fair, because i told her I would, so I think it would be nice for her to have something she'd be more comfortable in. Except I don't know what the fuck she's comfortable in or what she likes. I've been staring at the same two shirts for fifteen fucking minutes trying to decide which one Moonie will like or, at the bare minimum, wear.

I've only ever seen her in hoodies and black shirts for work. And the more I think about it, I'm pretty sure I'd only ever seen her in like two outfits.

"Fuck it." I threw both shirts down into the red basket below me before picking it up and moving on. "I'll just get her..." I stared out at the unknown land of the woman's section. I sighed, my thumbs pushing together as I rubbed my eyes. "I'll just get her everything." I murmured.

"Do you need any help?"

I turned suddenly to see Aurua standing in a red shirt and tight khaki jeggings. "I thought you worked with Celestia." I spoke, getting straight to my point.

She stared up at me blankly with those emotionless blue eyes. "I do," she shrugged slightly. "I just love money and working is more fun that other things." She glanced down at my basket, her head tilting slightly but her eyes remaining empty.

Aurua is like me; a liar. We have fraudulent personalities toward others but we truly are probably some of the worst people to be around. Sometimes I question whether she's a sociopath but her love for dogs confuses my ideas.

"Do you have something to tell me?"

I hesitantly shook my head. "What would I have to tell you?"

"Are you a cross dresser." She said blandly. Her tone was so outright I couldn't feel shocked. "If you are, i really don't care but I don't think it's healthy to hide stuff like that. That's how people become serial killers."

My tongue clicked as my mouth opened and I turned to the side, my eyes staying slightly on her as I attempted to resume shopping for Moonie. "No...I'm buying clothes for Celestia. She doesn't have any at my house and I've been avoiding taking her home to get hers."

She nodded, her eyes glimmering with something I saw in Rose just less intense. "I'll help." She offered, her voice softening as she begun swiping through the rack. I watched as she genuinely examined each of her options as if she cared about what Moonie would think.

"Why are you helping me." I questioned as I followed behind her toward a different area. "You don't even know Moonie. Fuck, you don't even like people. You barely talk to me."

"She's nice and she's pretty and she isn't dishonest."

"What do you mean?" My elbow rested on the top of the racks, my body leaning as I waited for her response.

For the first time, in the many years I've know Aurua, she looked as if she was upset. "She didn't try to be my friend. She barely even spoke to me. I told her about Milo and she listened even though it didn't seem like she was. She let me pretend to be somebody else."

She looked up at me with a conviction in her eyes that I'd only seen when she fought to make Milo hers. "She's the only one other than Jax that will truly accept people like us, so...don't hurt her Kai. Please."

Her soft plead and the scrunch in her eyebrows was such a foreign expression but as I stared down at the pretty blonde girl in front of me, I couldn't help but realize how truly special Moonie is.

She barely spoke to Aurua—probably didn't even say more than eight words to her—but she made this borderline sociopath care about her.

"I won't. I promise."

Hi! I apologize for the super late—and super short—upload. I've been VERY unmotivated and busy so I hope this is good enough and I promise to come back with something I think you all will enjoy. I love each one of you so very much and I hope you have a good rest of your day/night❤️