Smile

40

October 10th

Moonie sat there as I disinfected and wrapped my wound. She didn't say anything, she just sat there with tired eyes and her hands balled up against her chin like a child.

Sometimes I forget how large I am. I'm tall and muscular and since I didn't use to be this way, I forget how I might look to some people. Right now, as Moonie sits there innocently in front of me, with those dull eyes and that absent look, I can't help but think about how small she seems.

She's not short for an average women and she's not all skin and bones but I used to feel so...equal in her eyes. Like it didn't matter who I was to her, just that I was there. Now there is nothing inside her eyes but the fight for there to be anything at all.

"That didn't look like a cut."

My eyes shot up to hers. I'm not gonna snitch on her only friend. I know she didn't mean it and yes I'm pissed about it and I know I don't like her but, Moonie likes her and Rose cares about Moonie even if her intentions aren't the greatest in my eyes.

"Well, Moons, something cut my skin." I pushed off my knees as I stood up in front of her, her eyes remained straight and where I originally was. "So its definitely a cut." I slowly approached her, her body still remaining frozen.

"C'mon Moon, let's eat." I leaned over, my lips rolling off the top of her head as I stepped around and behind her.

She sat there for a minute as she inhaled deeply and thoughtfully before letting it out slowly and standing up. I reached my hand out for her as she turned around to face me.

"Kai," she looked up at me as she placed her wrist in my hand, her hand holding my wrist. "Stop lying to me."

My eyes widened as I stared down at her scarily blank stare. I'm an amazing liar because I couldn't care less who I hurt with my lies, though I don't lie often because I don't care enough to lie. I guess Celestias been lied to too many times to not know a lie or maybe because I can't lie too well to her.

"It was Rose." My words fell from my tongue like water. It's like she's a truth serum. She tells me not to lie and I can't not listen. "She didn't mean to but—"

"She still hurt you."

I shivered as her cold words rushed across my skin. Her tone was so indifferent but everything else made me want to curl up into a ball.

"It doesn't matter...if she meant to." She looked down at the bandages on my arm then down at the dried blood spilled and splattered across the floor.

I should've lied better.

...

October 12th

I don't know what it feels like to go crazy but, I think this feeling that I have, is it. My throat is always burning, inside and out, my eyes are so dry that I don't think I'll ever cry again and my body feels so limp and heavy all the time that my brain is exhausted just from having to open my eyes.

Breathing, something that was so easy that I never had to think about it—one of the only things I didn't have to think about—feels like a 90 day task now.

I even stopped worrying about her for days at a time but now, all I can think about is her. I even have a constant reminder of her branded onto my body. I can't even look at Kai how I used to. I can't look at anything how I used to.

And I see the way Kai looks at me. His touch is not a hint shy of being filled with love and his words and tone don't make me think otherwise but his eyes...his heart breaks more and more each time he has to help me back to sleep or calm me down enough to breathe or even when he has to sit with me when I eat to make sure I don't choke because my throat feels too small for even a raisin.

And he won't even let me worry about him. I've asked him about his arm—why Rose did it, if it hurt still—I've asked him why he's so patient with me, and I even asked him about his eyes filled so deeply with endless amounts of love and guilt and sadness. Too much for one person to hold...and it makes me wonder if he's just looking at me how I look at him. If all of that emotion in his eyes is all he can show me because that's all he sees. Or maybe he sees nothing in me anymore and he's just trying his best and praying I see it in him, hoping it brings something back for me.

Even that therapist I have to go to looks at me like I'm broken. Like she wants to fix me but she can't, despite her years and years of training and knowledge. Like when she looks at me...everything she knows disappears like these bubbles that surround me.

Maybe I am broken. Maybe I'm not and I just need to think about how things could've been worse. I'm probably lucky and somebody else probably wishes they could be me. Wishes they could've been tortured by synthetic love from someone who was supposed to show them real love for years before they were taken away by a handsome man with millions of dollars, an amazing body, and eyes only for you to stare into as long as you want.

When I put it like that, I think maybe I even want to be me. But that's only the surface of the problem; the plastic wrapping before you get to the actual item.

I would've never pulled off the plastic if I knew this was what's underneath. I would've kept the what ifs as a collectors item that nobody wanted to collect. But the plastics already gone and I'm already past the what ifs and made it to the what was. So...

"Kai." I flinched slightly at the sound of my own voice echoing through the bathroom.

I listened as the door clicked open slightly. "What's wrong?" He spoke softly through the crack in the door, his voice slightly distant as if he was turned away.

"Come in here with me." Despite my hoarse voice and low tone, I spoke certain of my words. Like any shame I've ever carried has left my body.

He stayed silent, not a sound throughout the house other than Needy's soft snoring from my bed. "What do you mean? You want me to sit next to you?"

I hummed, silence once again consuming him.

"Once you finish taking your bath I can lay with you—"

"I don't want you to lay with me later, I want you to come in here now."

"...you're naked, Moon. I don't think this is the time for me to be next to you. I can talk to you through the door if you feel lonely."

I opened my eyes slowly and stared out at the seemingly endless waters in front of me. "I want...to be next to you. Right now, not later."

I looked to the side as much as I could, his black shirt peeking through the cracks and showing me that I was right about him standing with his back turned. "Ok."

Cold air rushed in as he opened the door and his tall frame stepped through. He moved toward me softly and hesitantly, like he was scared I'd shatter into pieces if he walked too heavily.

"Get in." I murmured, his eyes shifting around the mountains of bubbles that surrounded me. "You don't have to take your clothes off if that makes you feel better. I just want you in here with me."

"...Are you ok, Moonie?"

Those eyes...like something out of a 50's movie. Classic and puppy-like. I can't lie and tell him 'of course.' And I can't blame him for asking. I think he would've been perfectly ok with doing whatever I asked, had this not happened to me. And I think—know that he's worried right now because I wouldn't have asked him to do this anyways.

"I know...I wouldn't ask this of you normally and I know it's probably weird but...this is me asking so, please."

For a split second, he smiled. Like he was relieved that I wasn't completely nuts.

"Whatever you want, Moonie."