Smile

61

November 4th
2AM

When Kai called me, after he had already been gone for four hours and the day was already nearing its end, we hardly spoke. He provided me with no explanation and replied to my few questions with simple answers or avoided them entirely.

I don't know what happened. He told me he loved me and gave me an out of breath kiss before throwing his clothes on, grabbing his keys, and screeching off down the driveway.

Worry isn't a strong enough word for how I'm feeling. It may not even be the right word.

Right now, my half-boiled feelings anger.

I feel guilty about being angry but I can't keep discrediting my feelings because of Kai's generosity toward me. I'm angry at him and I have every right to be.

...

My eyelids drifted apart as my ears opened to the sound of keys jingling faintly outside the door. I laid there for a moment as my soothed anger dominated my worry.

He was drunk.

I could tell by his repeated attempts at unlocking the door but the keys only ended up back on the ground. I could hear his slurred swears as he continued to struggle and continued to listen for a few more moments.

I sat up when I finally decided that my emotions were stable enough to help him. Trust me, I am angry but my anger can wait until the morning.

The locks clicked as I unlocked the door, the sticky sound from the door as it separated from its seal clicked as I slowly pulled the door open.

My eyes softened as I was met with a disheveled man, his overgrown hair had fallen over his eyes and the neckline of his T-shirt was stretched beyond repair. His face was shiny from what could be sweat or tears, I wouldn't know which.

I let out a soft breath as he smiled up at me. I watched as his shaky body rose from the floor, a still and bright smile across his glossy face. "Hi, baby." He wrapped his arms around me as he stumbled forward, our bodies knocking backward and through the house.

He whined lightly against my shoulder as I struggled to hold him up against me. "I'm sorry. I tripped.."

"It's ok." I mumbled softly. My hands held sturdy against his sides as he got him to stand upright in front of me. "Where were you, Kai?" I questioned softly as I brushed his hair from his face and tucked it behind his pink ears.

He stared down at me innocently, a dull sadness darkening over his eyes. "To see Gillian?"

I hummed as I patted my palms against his cheeks, his head leaning farther into my hand each time it met with his skin. "That's your manager? Why are you drunk then, Kai?"

His eyes lowered and I watched as guilt mixed with the sadness that soaked into his skin. "I miss her, Moon." He slurred lightly.

I pressed my lips together gently as I glanced over his disheveled form. "What do you mean, Kai? Didn't you just see her?"

He nodded as his arm glided across my front, his legs struggled as he tried to walk away from me. "How'd you get home?"

I held his body as he continued to slowly struggle toward the living room. "Walk. Lots of...walk—" his knees buckled underneath him, my body falling down behind him as he landed back on me.

I grunted as I slid his heavy body up on my front and used my body as his spine. "Are you ok?" He remained still, his chest moving slower than before. "Kai?" I leaned around him, my eyes widened as I saw his glossy eyes glazed over with tears. "Did you get hurt?" My hands quickly trailed across his body as my eyes followed.

"She's dead...I miss her."

My heart stopped as his tears silently flooded down his face. His body softened against mine as I wrapped my arms underneath his and around his chest.

"She was...here, Moon. Always, here." He hiccuped lightly as he shut his eyes. "I was mean to her. So fucking mean...but I love her. I loved her. I love her."

My heart sunk deeper as his chest shook, his lungs struggled to expand as he hiccuped through his tears.

"I broke everything. I break it all. I..." my eyes widened as he turned quickly in my arms, his eyes blurry and red. "I don't want to break you too." He pleaded as he leaned over me, his body seeming more in control of itself but Kai still wasn't there.

"You haven't broken anything, Kai." I whispered lowly, my eyes stilling in his as his tears drilled down onto my shirt.

"I broke Lucy. I broke Jax...I killed Lee and you... I don't want to anymore." His face fell as he had his own realization—as he saw an image of me crumble in front of him and he blamed every shattered piece on himself.

I slid my legs from underneath him and sat up on my knees, my body rose in front of him as I managed a small smile. "Kai?" He struggled to look at me, his distorted vision breaking his heart slowly. "Look at me, Kai."

He grunted lightly as I gently forced his eyes to mine, "none of this is your fault. None of it has ever been your fault...repeat it to me, tell me it's not your fault."

His lips quivered as his eyes shook. Watching my sweet and strong Kai break down like this in front of me was breaking me more than as imaginable but if I crumble because he's shattering in front of me, that's all he'll remember.

"Tell me, Kai. Repeat what I said to you." My voice was hushed as I attempted to guide his words.

His pink and swollen lips parted as his throat strained to speak. "It's not my fault," his tears slowed as his body continued to shiver, "it was never my fault." His eyes shut as his face scrunched up and his head let down. "It wasn't my fault! It was never my fucking fault!" He cried as he leaned into me, his cries now audible and the sound extracted from pure pain.

He chanted the words as his shaky hands held onto me tightly and my forcefully sturdy ones supported him. "You're ok, Kai. You're ok." I mumbled into his hair as I shut my eyes.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry." He mumbled inaudibly.

I remained silent as I knew his sorrowful apologies were not meant for me.

...

I watched as Kai slept, his eyes red and swollen, his cheeks blushed pink the same as his nose and lips.

For the first hour after I finally got him up the stairs and changed, his eyes would shoot open and he'd panic if I moved even the slightest bit away from him. Each panicked look one inch away from him being in full blown tears. Even after he'd calmed down and I repeatedly reassured him I'd still be here when he woke up, he won't loosen his hold on me.

The sun is almost up and he still has his brows furrowed and his jaw slightly clenched.

I brushed my thumb between his eyebrows, his face relaxing almost immediately. "Don't...leave." He mumbled through his sleep.

"I'm not going anywhere, Kai."

He tightened his arm around me, my body sliding farther into his and across the sheets. I rested my ear against his chest as I tucked my shoulders in, my legs slid comfortably between his as if we were tying a knot.

As I listened to his unsteady heart I shut my eyes. I was angry at Kai. I was angry at him for being gone so long and not telling me, I was even angrier that he came back drunk, and I'm not invalidating my feelings but, I'm not angry anymore.