Smile

24

August 24th

Kai kissed me last night. I let him kiss me. I wanted to run away and pretend he didn't even ask and just regret it later but I let him. I've never been happier.

I used to think people were being dramatic when they were so excited just for a kiss, just for anything to happen but I fully understand now. I think it feels so much like I'm riding on cloud 9 right now because I have never liked anyone as much as I like Kai.

I came close to having a boyfriend my sophomore year in high school but I didn't actually like him. He just liked that I didn't talk to him when he spoke. He thought I was different and playing hard to get. I didn't understand why he liked me for that reason; I still don't but I know I never liked him. I was at peace knowing I missed my chance and I was accepting of the fact that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.

I didn't even think about anything other than that and at one point I was excited to finally be alone. Fully alone. No mother, no friends, nobody to only like me because they thought they had control over me, just me. But now, after I've met Kai and spent 22 out of 24 hours a day with him everyday, I can't think of being lonely anymore.

"Good morning." I spoke, my smile wide as I stretched my body toward the ceiling.

"Morning, hungry?" He spoke blandly as he walked past me, barely even looking at me.

I watched as he jogged down the stairs, not even waiting for my response. I slowly let my arms down as my heart strained in my chest. I followed him down, Needy meowing behind me.

I watched from the doorway as he moved silently around the kitchen. Plates clattering and the fridge opening and closing being the only sounds to echo through the house. My throat ached the more I watched him. I felt like I was boiling from the inside out.

"Strawberry or blueberry?"

I approached him slowly. I was trying to see what he was talking about but I wanted to know if he'd even let me get close to him.

He glanced back at me quickly, "Muffins. They're muffins." He spoke as he slid out of the way and went back toward the fridge.

"Strawberry."

I felt like an ignored child. I felt like I was watching my mother. At least she would speak to me—even if it was just to ramble about what I did wrong and even then it didn't hurt as bad as this. More traumatizing? Sure. More painful? No.

"Do you want an egg?"

He glanced back at me, turning around just as quickly as he looked, but I could still catch that look in his eyes. He was ashamed to look at me.

"Yes, please." I murmured, my heart sinking through the floor and I decided to sink with it.

"How do you want it?" He sounded as if it was a strain to even speak to me. 

Needy meowed lowly as he brushed against my legs. As he stared up at me, he put his tiny paws against my thighs.

"What?" I stuttered. "How do I want what?"

"Your egg, Moonie. How do you want your egg?"

I stayed silent. I don't want to even answer him anymore. The more I talk, the more my throat burns. And the more he talks, the more my heart hurts.

"It doesn't matter." I finally responded.

"Ok." I heard him hit the egg against the counter before cracking it in the pan. "I'll make it sunny side up, okay?"

Now I remember why I stopped watching movies.

"Here." I stared up at him, Needy still beating his paw into my hand, as he slid my plate into the spot I usually sit in. I nudged Needy away with my foot before approaching the table and sitting down.

I stared down at the food in front of me. The oil from the egg slowly dripping onto the liner of my muffin...and now I feel like crying.

"Kai?" I spoke, my voice crackling through my throat. I glanced up at him to find him staring right back at me, an empty look in his eyes.

He hummed, his eyes flickering away from mine after looking at me for longer than he has all morning.

I don't even know what I want to say to him. I just need to know what I did. If I did anything at all or he just realized that his fantasy of me wasn't so nice after all. "...what did I do?"

"Moonie..." I watched as his body sunk in slightly, his expression softening as his eyes finally allowed themselves to meet mine.

"I know I'm not always the most direct with how I feel but I'm not an insecure person or anything," even though I wanted to beg him to look at me, I can't stare at him anymore or I might cry. "I don't want you to think you have to be in love with me or something. Whatever happened last night can just be a last night thing...I like being your friend, Kai."

One kiss and I'm falling apart.

He was silent longer than I was comfortable with. I fought the urge to just recant everything I've ever said to him and leave.

I looked up at him as he slowly turned around, his fists balled up as he held onto the counter behind him. "I promise you that you did nothing wrong."

I felt my body tense up as he prepared the rest of his sentence.

"I just...made a mistake last night, a really fucking bad one." I watched as he lowered himself onto the floor, guilt dripping from his eyes as he stared up at me.

I felt like I was hanging onto his every word. He scoffed lightly as I stared down at him. Even though my heart aches every time he opens his mouth and my throat burns every time he avoids my gaze, I can't help but stare at his beauty. Everything about him was beautiful. Even his words, no matter how much they hurt. His voice, his eyes, his lips: were all perfect.

He smiled up at me softly, his chin resting on his knee. "Don't worry. Kissing you wasn't the mistake," his voice softened as his eyes lowered and my heart pounded inside my chest. "I won't regret that for as long as I live..."

If I never get the chance to be with Kai, if I never get the chance to express how he makes me feel...I'll never feel like this again.

"...I just wish I would've held you longer." He murmured, his voice deepening like a sound you could only hear in your dreams.

I couldn't even help smiling. I feel so out of control of my own emotions.

But I'm so happy.

"Is that why you were being so mean?"

He chuckled, his eyes lighting up as he stood up from the floor, my eyes following his every move.

"You thought I was being mean? I didn't expect you to say something like that," I followed him as he approached me, his eyes low but his smile wide. "Well I'm sorry Moonie. I'm just not very good at controlling my emotions sometimes. I didn't even have this many before I met you."

His hand palmed the table next to me, his other hand holding the back of my chair as he bent over me. My head tilted up slightly as I stared at him over top of me.

A month ago I wouldn't have even talked to Kai. A few seconds ago I wanted to cry my eyes out because he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Now, I can't stop smiling at this man in front of me.

"You didn't have what?" I watched him as he watched my lips move, something dark shadowing over his beautiful brown eyes.

"Emotions." He whispered gently before pressing his lips against mine.

I couldn't resist him.