Smile

37

October 7th

I know this might be stupid and I know that there are so many better ways to have done this but this was how I wanted to do it right now. I needed to do this now.

My skin crawled as I stepped onto the gravel path. Each step I took and each time that sound crackled through my ears, my stomach turned until I wanted to vomit. The feeling only growing stronger as I watched that trailer come into view. Every choked down memory flooding back up.

If I keep Kai in the forefront of my mind, I won't forget what I have now.

"Ma?" I kicked at the bottom of the door as if it was a second nature. "Ma? Are you here?"

I scanned the small room, every inch of dirt that was here before I left was now twice it's size. Beer bottles that had been left for months and roaches scavenging across any source of food possible. If this place wasn't falling apart before I left, it definitely is now and I don't think anything but a miracle can fix this.

I stepped over the mess below me, my heel still catching on scraps of paper. "Ma?" My voice shook as I steadied myself.

"Who is it!"

I stepped back slightly as she exploded from around the corner. I could've burst into tears when I saw her. She looked pale—paler than usual—and her eyes were bloodshot red. Her skin was latching onto her bones so tightly it was like watching your hand through a glove. Her hair had almost completely fallen out...she loved her hair. If she had nothing more important to do, she always took care of her hair.

"Why are you here, child? Where's your Asian boy?"

My eyes lowered as I stared at her, my stomach flipped inside out. "What are you doing ma? Why are you still doing this?"

She raised her eyebrow at me, the veins in her neck stretching from the small movement. "You think you're better than me because you went with that boy? What? He pimp you out? Make you into a real whore?"

She shuffled toward me, her eyes wandering in front of her. Each step she took was a struggle, each step she made tugged on my heart.

As much as I would like to be...I'm not mad at her. Not right now; not when she's standing in front of me like this. The urge to just drop everything and stay here, go back to how my life was before, is so strong my feet feel heavy against the ground.

But I can't. I can't...

"I'm...going to grab my stuff mom. I'll be right back."

I don't even have anything worth saving here. Since I don't have a job anymore and it's just my two work outfits and my two other shirts and a pair of jeans, I don't even think I need them anymore. The only thing in this rundown, godforsaken house is the last picture of my dad with us.

I've been gone so long I'm not even sure it's still here. I hid it well but she stumbles upon anything and everything.

I first looked under the bed for the worn out shoebox that once held my favorite pair of light up sketchers from elementary school. The first purchase my dad made after getting his first bonus check despite my mother begging for a better wardrobe.

Even then I didn't think my mother was some evil being. No matter what she did to me, it didn't seem all that bad because she was proud of me. I saw every thing she did as her just trying to make things better for me. I didn't care if that meant never doing anything but sitting in a room and studying til I cried or selling all of my toys because they were a 'distraction'.

I didn't find the box or anything else that I could've hid the picture in.

I scanned the room one more time before giving up, my heart working to keep me standing and my anxiety down. If I leave, I'm definitely never seeing that picture again. If I stay, there's no guarantee she even has it and I'll be stuck.

"Momma?" I peeked around the corner before I stepped forward. She was leaning against the messy counter, her eyes shut and her arms strained. "Where's my picture?"

"What are you talking about, girl?" Her voice was so hoarse it sounded like it wasn't even her speaking.

"The picture of us with daddy, where is it?"

She hummed lightly as she lazily lifted her head up. All of the strength in her muscles was gone. It was a surprise she was still standing at all, let alone speaking. "I burned it...Sent it straight to hell."

For a moment, I could've sworn the world stopped spinning. I could feel the heat from the Earths core building underneath my feet and I could hear the faint ringing of the galaxies above us.

I knew it was possible that she did something to it, but burning it? She just tore the others apart and had I not been so tired from constantly working and coming home just to argue about nothing, I could've taped them back together.

But I can't fix this. There is nothing I can do. It's gone...My mother is gone.

I don't have anything left to say to her. I don't think I have anymore words at all.

I headed toward the door, my body feeling like a feather drowned under water. I could hear her speaking but I couldn't form a sentence from it. I pulled on the door, my arm too numb to get it open all at once. I tugged one last time, the door shooting open and the air rushing in.

"Hey!"

She flung my arm back, her minimal strength barely moving me. "Stop it." I murmured, not even bothering to look at her.

"I hope you die too! I wish you would've died instead of him! You're worth nothing! Nothing!" She cried. Her tears stuck to her cheeks.

I begun to step down, my eyes almost closed as my body realized I was letting go, my foot not even touching the ground before I was knocked forward. I landed face first into the gravel where I didn't stay long before I was flipped over and met with her tear-filled eyes and crackled skin.

Her hands shook above me, my mind wandering off somewhere I can't remember. I stared at her as she cried, her hands shaking against my throat. I couldn't move. It was like my last bit of life was being clawed away from me by this weak woman who I used to be able to call 'mom'.

I should've burned this place down a long time ago.